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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I save my marriage?

223 replies

MargaretfromtheHeed · 13/05/2025 14:08

I went away on a girl's weekend over Easter, bumped in to a work colleague, got very drunk and ended up having sex with him. I deeply regret what I did and tried to keep it a secret as I was so ashamed of myself. One of the friend's I went with told her husband and he told my husband who is a good friend of his.
My husband went off it, threw me out of our home and took all of my stuff to my parent's house. They are upset and angry with me. I have met with my husband for a coffee since then and I have never seen him as angry. He called me awful names. He says if there is any chance of sorting this out, I have to resign my job and give him the name of the man I was unfaithful with. I have a good career with a great company and don't want to give up the job I have worked so hard for.
My mental health is in decline and I feel awful. I have started washing myself down with soap and bleach in the shower and still feel unclean. I've been for an STI test too.
Any suggestions how I make my husband see reason about my career and still save my marriage? I made a mistake and at the moment my husband seems full of hell and unforgiving.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 16/05/2025 06:39

I don’t think he will forgive you. I think you’ll just be jumping through hoops and it will end anyway.

stop the bleach. You made a mistake. A big one. You need to deal with the consequences. But not harm yourself.

maybe get some therapy

Nettleteaser101 · 16/05/2025 06:39

Well you were in the wrong but why did that women tell her husband and why did he tell your husband? What did they get out of it. Now it has ruined two people and their life goes on as usual.
You have to look for another job if you want to save your marriage or put your career first and spilt. Your in-laws won't forgive you so you might be paying back all your married life.

Beeloux · 16/05/2025 06:41

DO NOT give up your job OP. It seems there is no going back from this. He’ll likely see it as he’s now got a free pass to do the same. You’ll be under his thumb forever if you stay.

Put it down to a tough life experience and learn from it. Also please don’t wash yourself with bleach. You could give yourself an infection.

Orarita · 16/05/2025 06:45

If you have no kids, I think I’d just put it down to experience, start again, get divorced and move on. It will never be the same now anyway. That boat has sailed. Most people in these situations only stay for the kids.

TooGoodToGoto · 16/05/2025 06:48

Nettleteaser101 · 16/05/2025 06:39

Well you were in the wrong but why did that women tell her husband and why did he tell your husband? What did they get out of it. Now it has ruined two people and their life goes on as usual.
You have to look for another job if you want to save your marriage or put your career first and spilt. Your in-laws won't forgive you so you might be paying back all your married life.

Because he’s the husbands friend and felt he ought to know he can’t trust his wife, allow him to get an STI test? Allie him to decide if he wants to remain married.

A few reasons to tell him.

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 16/05/2025 06:49

Nettleteaser101 · 16/05/2025 06:39

Well you were in the wrong but why did that women tell her husband and why did he tell your husband? What did they get out of it. Now it has ruined two people and their life goes on as usual.
You have to look for another job if you want to save your marriage or put your career first and spilt. Your in-laws won't forgive you so you might be paying back all your married life.

Nice bit of blaming the friend, the friend didn't cheat. The husband had a right to know that his wife is a lying, cheat.

SamkaSabrinka · 16/05/2025 06:50

The only way to get through infidelity is:
-total transparency (not protecting/hiding any details of what happened, so of course you had to say who it was, imo)
-total removal of all contact ever again with the person involved
-total openness about what you are doing/where going/what saying for some time, so your partner can try to feel safe again (open phone, laptop, emails, messages, be on find my or a family tracker) (yes)

Maybe a good place for you to start is to understand how you came to fuck someone else when you were drunk. Because a common reaction if so drunk and horny might have been to call your partner for some form of sex. So how this happened with this guy is something that at some point you need to think about.

I guess your DH will contact your company and say what's happened, so the guy gets in hot water.

But whatever your DH does, that's not him being controlling. That's him trying to resolve his feelings of blind jealousy and hurt and anger and horror. So as such, I think it's his job with himself. If you want to save your marriage, at this moment you can only go along with his request for you to have zero contact.

Wolfpa · 16/05/2025 06:59

You need to take a step back and leave the emotions to die down before you start the conversation.

take some time to think about why you did it and what you want from the future.

your husband has every right to be angry at the moment not only did you cheat but he heard about it from a friend, he could feel like everyone is talking about him behind his back.

decisions made in anger or from guilt are rarely good decisions

Neemie · 16/05/2025 07:00

If you want to keep your husband then stop washing yourself with bleach and don’t quit your job.

There are no guarantees that the marriage will survive but giving in to his demands and self flagellation won’t do the trick. It isn’t attractive and won’t make him less angry. It will probably just irritate him. I would tell him you love him and that you are deeply sorry (if that is true) but that you both need some space. I would then stay away from him for a bit and think long and hard about whether you actually want the marriage.

BadSkiingMum · 16/05/2025 07:04

You are in a horrible situation (regrettably of your own making) and I think you have done the right thing in agreeing to look for another job.

I also think that infidelity is far more common than many on MN like to think and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a ‘bad’ person, but that you behaved in a way that was wrong in the context of a marriage.

Going forward I would suggest that you give up alcohol and do not exchange your personal number with male friends or colleagues. Get a new phone or a separate phone purely for work purposes if necessary. You need to show your husband that you have removed both the temptation and the risk.

IkeaJesusChrist · 16/05/2025 07:07

Maybe your husband can fuck someone bareback and you'll be even?

BadSkiingMum · 16/05/2025 07:12

BadSkiingMum · 16/05/2025 07:04

You are in a horrible situation (regrettably of your own making) and I think you have done the right thing in agreeing to look for another job.

I also think that infidelity is far more common than many on MN like to think and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a ‘bad’ person, but that you behaved in a way that was wrong in the context of a marriage.

Going forward I would suggest that you give up alcohol and do not exchange your personal number with male friends or colleagues. Get a new phone or a separate phone purely for work purposes if necessary. You need to show your husband that you have removed both the temptation and the risk.

Please note, I am not saying that everyone should do these things, but they might be helpful for the OP, as she has already demonstrated herself to be vulnerable to one of these factors.

Toptotoe · 16/05/2025 07:19

Don’t quit your job as the marriage may not survive even if you do this but do let him know you are looking for another one and get busy doing that. Also get some therapy.

Enicks86 · 16/05/2025 07:19

OP your marriage will never come back from this, the trust has gone. Over time the resentment will grow which will result in two very unhappy people. I would accept the marriage is over otherwise one day you'll look back and regret trying to make it work. All the best

Scottishgirl85 · 16/05/2025 07:21

Sorry, there's no coming back from this. Your marriage is over.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2025 07:23

I hope you won't leave this job without another one to go.

Your marriage is probably about to go down the pan, regardless of what you try. You wouldn't want to be jobless in that situation.

Just how drunk WERE you?

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 07:24

BadSkiingMum · 16/05/2025 07:12

Please note, I am not saying that everyone should do these things, but they might be helpful for the OP, as she has already demonstrated herself to be vulnerable to one of these factors.

Show quote history

''vulnerable'' becuase she cheated? how many times an hour does that label get used on here, next it will be the person serving the drinks fault they should have realised the OP would cheat and should have stopped it

I presume the easiest thing any time someone cheats is to first admit they were wrong and not try and justify it for fine ways for everyone else to be blamed, and lots of times people are told if you know someone is cheating code for a man then it is your repsponsibility to tell people in relationships with them, when a women cheats code for brain flip, not responsible for their own actions anyone telling the man is a busy body

RedRock41 · 16/05/2025 07:26

Mistakes usually describe likes of forgetting to pay a bill. Your actions way more than that. Unfortunately it’s the ultimate betrayal that has potentially destroyed the very foundation of trust your marriage is based on. Indelibly potentially.
It’s no wonder your DH acting as he is. All very raw and recent yet you say you want to make him see reason and that he is full of hell and unforgiving.
Least you can do is give up your job. For all the reasons you cite that will be a sacrifice and cost to you but if you want a chance of saving your marriage does seem a deal breaker. Quit drinking too.

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2025 07:27

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 07:24

''vulnerable'' becuase she cheated? how many times an hour does that label get used on here, next it will be the person serving the drinks fault they should have realised the OP would cheat and should have stopped it

I presume the easiest thing any time someone cheats is to first admit they were wrong and not try and justify it for fine ways for everyone else to be blamed, and lots of times people are told if you know someone is cheating code for a man then it is your repsponsibility to tell people in relationships with them, when a women cheats code for brain flip, not responsible for their own actions anyone telling the man is a busy body

Show quote history

''vulnerable'' becuase she cheated? how many times an hour does that label get used on here, next it will be the person serving the drinks fault they should have realised the OP would cheat and should have stopped it

I imagine posters describe her as vulnerable because she stated her mental health is poor and she's scrubbing herself with bleach in the shower.

MellowCritic · 16/05/2025 07:29

categorychaos · 13/05/2025 14:25

Don’t give up job OP
Think why you did this?
Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully
Look after yourself - most of us at some point in our lives make mistakes and learn from them - use this and time away from DH to work out what you want
Stop being hard on yourself and please seek support re feeling “unclean” and Mental Health
Whatever you decide don’t “roll over” and give DH anything - financial or otherwise that you are not comfortable with
Dump your friend - she is a shit stirrer

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Dogaredabomb · 16/05/2025 07:33

People make mistakes, they drink too much and make mistakes. It doesn't make them evil, forgive yourself and don't do it again. It's over.

I wouldn't bother trying to save the marriage, who wants to live with that hanging over them forever and ever. Keep your job and move on.

Walkden · 16/05/2025 07:34

"Is there something in marriage you are unhappy with?
DH sounds hurt but is also being a bully"

Classic double standard from this poster.

If a man cheated on his wife with a work colleague everyone one would say kick him out get your ducks in a row and ltb. You are worth more and what example are you setting for the kids?

No one turns around and says which of his needs didn't you meet? Why was your hubby unhappy

MellowCritic · 16/05/2025 07:34

IkeaJesusChrist · 16/05/2025 07:07

Maybe your husband can fuck someone bareback and you'll be even?

What a disgusting thing to write. Are you ok?

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 07:35

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2025 07:27

''vulnerable'' becuase she cheated? how many times an hour does that label get used on here, next it will be the person serving the drinks fault they should have realised the OP would cheat and should have stopped it

I imagine posters describe her as vulnerable because she stated her mental health is poor and she's scrubbing herself with bleach in the shower.

Show quote history

Yes separately the OP sounds like she needs needs serious help but I doubt it was just the affair that caused it, but the word vulnerable is way overused

Dogaredabomb · 16/05/2025 07:39

I cheated at every opportunity during my marriage. I didn't respect him and wanted out, I shouldn't have married him. Did you want out?