Pregnant and Husband not letting me open the Windows at night.

[ElGraham]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and with the hot weather we are having at the minute I'm desperate to open the windows at night to cool down whilst in bed. My husband hates this, he said the bird noises wake him up and he can't get back to sleep. I just want a little bit of comfort during the pregnancy!

I'm waking up every night at around 4am sweating - its not yet totally unbearable heat but I know it soon will be in the summer. I tried the below to help:

1. He suggested a portable aircon, when I said that would be even louder he said he could handle a constant noise. Parent bought me an aircon for my birthday after I asked. After turning it on, he said it was too loud and we couldn't have it on at night.
2. I suggested ear plugs to help with the noise of the birds, he tried and said he could 'hear himself breathing' so didn't want to use that.
3. I suggested going to the spare room upstairs, he said that it was too bright and hot up there. When I suggested eye mask, he ignored the idea.
4. I suggested wearing headphones, he said he cant roll over onto his side when he wears them.

I am really at a loss here! I can't go into the spare room because its far too hot for me up there and the aircon hose doesn't reach the window - also the cat has his litter tray in there which I need to be away from.

He's really nice about it in the day time, says he can cope with it and we can have the windows open. At night he turns into this monster, he guilt trips me to make sure I close the windows. If I do open then, he gets up and closes them 15 minutes later which means neither of us sleep. If I want to try and talk to him about his he tells me to 'shush' its really making me dread night time and I feel like its only going to get hotter... I end up not sleeping if the windows are open now because I worry about how uncomfortable he is.

By not being pregnant I guess 🤣

Actually ( and slightly in his defence ) I remember my husband just not getting how the hormones changed your sense of smell / tiredness / emotional state etc with our first. I suppose on paper if I’d read about it before I’d ever got pregnant I’d have thought I understood but wouldn’t have realised the full extent of the impact of pregnancy until I experienced it ( which he can’t do ) . So he just may be being slow to catch up here, but catch up he needs to.

Thank you - I will take a look!

I agree that it doesn't, but surely within the marriage, the world shouldn't revolve around the sleep preferences of the co-creator of the pregnancy?

I still think that this needs to be handed to him as a problem to solve. The OP is hot due to specific biological changes. He has options. The onus is on him to figure out which to choose that accommodates both their needs at this moment.

Just an update to this. We had progress... I had a serious conversation with him during the day, rather than waiting until the night where we are both tired and just end up arguing about it.

I explained how we have been back and forth about this for weeks and during the day he always says "window can stay open no problem" then it comes to the night and its a different story. I explained how he is putting his comfort above mine at a time where my comfort needs to go first full stop. I explained how I have tried to help in many ways. I explained how I was very concerned with his behaviour about a window and how he might react when we are both sleep deprived at 3am and the novelty of a 'cute' newborn is definitely over. And I explained that this wasn't a simple marital argument for me, it shows something I am deeply concerned about fundamentally with our marriage and his attitude towards my comfort and what is important. I said that I'm not going to banish him to the spare room BUT if he can't cope with the noise and solutions don't help him, he needs to take himself to the spare room without argument because that window was staying open.

He agreed. Last night, I left the aircon on for an hour, turned it off when I got to bed (it was FREEZING). Windows closed. Woke up at 2am hot, and opened all the windows and fell back asleep. Woke up to pee at 5am very comfortably cool (to the sound of birds hahaha) and saw that husband was snoring softly with his earplugs in and the windows still open!!! They stayed open all night.

I don't know how or why we needed this much time and agro to get to this point when he absolutely should, from the beginning, understood my needs and agreed without question. BUT I think we are on the way to him understanding a bit more about my needs and what it means to be a supportive husband. A way to go and I think we will look at some counselling just to try and understand a bit more but at least I'm more comfortable now!

I think that sometimes we think men are on our wavelength and often they're not. But when we actually explain things calmly a little light bulb goes off in their heads 🤣😅😂. Shouldn't have to be like this, but hey - men are from Mars and women are from Venus!

Good result @ElGraham!

They're not children, for fuck's sake. And all this infantilising them and Mars/Venus bullshit only perpetuates and normalises women being treated badly.

Men are definitely not children. But their brains work differently. Always have. Not a popular opinion but none the less it's true.

It was an adequate result, but really, none of this should have happened.

He’s shown himself to be a very selfish prick at a time when you should be his main concern.

And if he kicks off and apparently magically switches into some monstrously unreasonable person at night time (I think this is bullshit, I think he just loses his ability to mask who he actually is at night) then I’d be very concerned for how he’ll be when the baby is screaming for no reason in the middle of the night. You will likely bear some anger of his about the baby. Not good.

I’d also be concerned about this: Also he hates sleeping in a different bed to me, when I go into the spare room after arguing about the window, he always joins me.

It smacks of codependency and control.

Hear, hear. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth.

I agree. Why women fall over themselves to excuse truly shit treatment of a pregnant woman, I can never understand.

@ElGraham Great update.. well done on sitting him down when it was calm and explaining your points.. You got him to listen. It was very assertive in a good way.

You showed him that you'd really considered the issue (which he hadn't) and had all your points assembled. You may need to repeat it but its very good practice for when the baby comes.

I have to admit that it took me a while to learn to pick better times to have chats like that in the early days.

On a practical level. I'd still get the fan a pp recommended tho and also get the Skylight blinds up...for those times when baby has a high temp and needs to be kept cool. Also I do remember that midsummer dawns required good curtains to delay them all roaring into the room at 5.am.🌞It's non negotiable.

Hi, dad and grandad here, this is awful, bordering on abuse. This is the tip of the ice-berg, I don't care how wonderful this specimen is othewise, he's a prat here, isn't he ? Somone suggested you clear off before it's too late and I'm not sure they are wrong. Just ask yourself how useful this apology will be when your baby arrives.

Can’t he just close the window when the birds start tweeting and then come back to bed? He is going to need to get used to broken sleep soon.

Fortunately the OP is only asking for support from the father of her child and not "the world" 🙄

What a selfish arsehole he is- tell him to STFU

What a selfish arsehole he is, tell him to STFU

Have you tried a hot water bottle fill with cold water pop in freezer in the morning then take it bed with you great for keeping cool and also no noise also if you have any spare room pop your pillow in there to life save or just more hot water bottles goof luck x

Christ he sounds like a fucking annoying spoilt baby. Brace yourself for more self centred shit once the baby arrives.

The trouble is, monkey666lynn, that OP is probably not able to say STFU, hence her writing to Mumsnet. Milord most likely battened onto her for that very reason. Being bullied and STFU do not go together