Pregnant and Husband not letting me open the Windows at night.

[ElGraham]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and with the hot weather we are having at the minute I'm desperate to open the windows at night to cool down whilst in bed. My husband hates this, he said the bird noises wake him up and he can't get back to sleep. I just want a little bit of comfort during the pregnancy!

I'm waking up every night at around 4am sweating - its not yet totally unbearable heat but I know it soon will be in the summer. I tried the below to help:

1. He suggested a portable aircon, when I said that would be even louder he said he could handle a constant noise. Parent bought me an aircon for my birthday after I asked. After turning it on, he said it was too loud and we couldn't have it on at night.
2. I suggested ear plugs to help with the noise of the birds, he tried and said he could 'hear himself breathing' so didn't want to use that.
3. I suggested going to the spare room upstairs, he said that it was too bright and hot up there. When I suggested eye mask, he ignored the idea.
4. I suggested wearing headphones, he said he cant roll over onto his side when he wears them.

I am really at a loss here! I can't go into the spare room because its far too hot for me up there and the aircon hose doesn't reach the window - also the cat has his litter tray in there which I need to be away from.

He's really nice about it in the day time, says he can cope with it and we can have the windows open. At night he turns into this monster, he guilt trips me to make sure I close the windows. If I do open then, he gets up and closes them 15 minutes later which means neither of us sleep. If I want to try and talk to him about his he tells me to 'shush' its really making me dread night time and I feel like its only going to get hotter... I end up not sleeping if the windows are open now because I worry about how uncomfortable he is.

What a pity the selfish pricks cannot get pregnant! Can you just imagine????!!!

OP said that room's really warm as it's at the top of the house, and the cat tray is there.
As her 'D' H doesn't mind being v warm, i think he needs to go up there and let OP get a decent night's sleep

I would highly recommend a MEACO fan - we have one and the airflow is great at making the room feel cooler at night without the windows being open. It also has a sleep setting so you can have it turn off after an hour or so if you want. That and either buying a 1 tog duvet or just sleeping under a flat sheet should help keep it cool

We use a fan at night to help keep us cool - DH can't sleep with the window open.
I think you may have to sleep in seperate rooms if he can't accommodate your needs whilst pregnant.....

but the cat tray can be moved (by him, or by her PPEd up) and you can get an extension for the aircon, and a few cool packs.

What a prick! But you need to go in spare room and open the window? Move the litter tray somewhere else. Although it’s only an issue if you touch cat poo etc!

Doesn’t bode well for having a child as he sounds selfish!

Yes, agree.

Are you a little (or more than a little) wary of this man, @ElGraham?

Your post is quite troubling OP. There is no place in a marriage for someone who "won't let" the other do something simple for their comfort. If it's his way or no way, you've got a shitstorm coming your way when baby arrives.

You need to start standing up for yourself and your baby. And he needs to learn that at times, your needs are more important than this.

Well it wasn't hot last summer was it? Not round here anyway. Barely got above 20°.

Could he try a white noise machine on a bedside table next to him? But he should be prioritising your comfort, and getting used to nighttime noises!

Tell him the noise is practise for when you have a baby

If his hearing is so sensitive, how does he cope sharing a bed? Surely you would disturb him every time you turned over or coughed, indeed your breathing must be a bit of a problem.

I was going to suggest a fan trained just on you, on the basis that they're very quiet and if anything would provide white noise - but I see he objects even to white noise.

To be honest, he's the outlier here, it's up to him to solve this one. There is no way you should be forced to lie awake all night just because he's so picky. As people have pointed out, he's going to have to get used to noise at night, so maybe acclimatising now can only be beneficial for him.

Omg OP he is awful! And in for a very rude awakening when the baby comes. It’s not just the noise of crying but babies babble and snuffle ALL NIGHT LONG. Then there’s noise and light when you (and hopefully he!) get up and feed/change/burp baby plus running round getting spare clothes/cleaning up baby sick, wee and poo/grabbing a clean dummy and walking round the house trying to get them back to sleep!!! And the white noise machine/lullabies will be on constantly!!! (Please don’t be alarmed, this period doesn’t last forever lol, first 3 months really! And I became able to sleep through practically anything)

But honestly every couple argues at night with a newborn, nobody gets enough sleep and everyone is snappy, so you need to nip this temperature issue in the bud now as you’ll have more to deal with down the line. Is he planning to get up and help you in the night with the baby? Even if you’re breastfeeding they’ll be plenty he can do believe me!!!

Also as other posters have said, I was hotter than usual for nearly a year post partum, so this isn’t an issue that’s necessarily going to go away anytime soon.

Your husband is being very inconsiderate and you need to sit him down and tell him firmly that this is unacceptable and he should be supporting you. I can promise you you’ll always be more uncomfortable than he is for at least the next year and so your needs should come first. You’re growing/giving birth to HIS child whilst he carries on as normal, he’s got the better deal!!!

We freeze bottles of water/ ice packs and wrap them in pillow cases to put in the bed and that helps a lot :)

not that this is your problem to solve anyway, your husband should really try some strategies this is probably as good as it will get for noise now- you might find that you start snoring as your pregnancy progresses.. my husband has to move to the other bedroom when this happens. Your husband is going to have a bit of a shock when the baby comes, all of the suggestions you e already made are things he should be trying to get used to now to enable him to sleep as well as he can when the baby does arrive.. they are super noisy even when they are sleeping and it’s very inconsistent noises- if you’re a light sleeper it makes it very difficult to sleep even when you do have the chance!

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions everyone.

He is in fact a really lovely person (most of the time!). In fact, every day after we argue about this at night he is always apologising and saying how he completely understands and he will be fine to sleep with the windows open. Then we get to the middle of the night and its a totally different story!

Its so strange because any time of day if I mention how I am craving something we don't have or mention that I would like something without hesitating he will jump in the car and go and get it for me. He is the first person to drop everything and pick me up from somewhere if I need. There is something about at night where he turns into this really horrible person that can't understand reason!

I think its to do with the fact that he knows if he persists I will capitulate because I just need sleep and arguing for 2 hours at 4am does no one any good. I also struggle with the guilt of knowing that he is sitting not being able to sleep at 4am when the windows are open so I then don't sleep worrying that he isn't sleeping.

I have had all these conversations with him, that the baby will be making a lot more noise and he seems to think that will be totally fine because there isn't anything he can do about it. He just can't get over the bird noise because he knows that for him its a simple 'fix' of closing the window.

Sorry I missed the bit about the cat tray, that's a no

THIS

He’s got a baby on the way and he’s complaining about…birdsong??? Jesus wept. Has he ever met a baby? Does he have any clue how noisy they are?

I take it it’s going to be all on you to deal with the baby’s night wakings? And the toddler comforting when they have a nightmare? Or D&V. Or the rest.

Is he intending to do any of the parenting grind at all?

You’re going to have to develop a backbone sharpish.

think its to do with the fact that he knows if he persists I will capitulate because I just need sleep and arguing for 2 hours at 4am does no one any good. I also struggle with the guilt of knowing that he is sitting not being able to sleep at 4am when the windows are open so I then don't sleep worrying that he isn't sleeping.

What I hear is that he knows when he wants to win he can just keep going because you’ll give in. He would rather be fully awake in the middle of the night and arguing with you until he gets his own way than letting you have your comfort met on occasion and maybe have some disturbed sleep.. Is that really a good partner?

I also hear that you feel guilty that he won’t sleep but he isn’t feeling guilty that his PREGNANT WIFE can’t get any sleep. No compromise for him on this issue at all.

He does know you need sleep to grow this baby, right!?

He's not a lovely person, and I expect you'll find that out in time. I wouldn't leave him alone with a crying baby, that's for sure.

Oh OP, I’m sorry but he’s not as lovely as you think. Judge a person by how they behave at their worst, when they’re uncomfortable, when the rubber hits the road. That’s who they are. Your husband is selfish and unreasonable. And potentially controlling. Love bombing and collecting you from places etc. sounds lovely…until it’s paired with guilt trips and uncompromising behaviour. Put your foot down tonight, tell him the window stays open and it’s up to him to find a way to live with it. If he keeps closing it and causing an argument in the middle of the night, then I would ask him to leave. If he won’t, I would leave and deal with it the next day. Put your foot down now, because trust me, once you’ve had a baby it’s gonna get a lot louder, stressful and uncomfortable. And he’s lying to himself and you if he thinks he’ll magically be able to handle noise from a baby.

Actually, he is hugely excited about the baby and and has maintained that he wants to do his share of the feedings and be very involved. We have talked about him doing the late evening feeding shifts (as he is a night owl) and me doing the early morning ones (as I like to be up early). I just really worry after his behaviour about the windows that he's going to behave the same (or god forbid worse) when we are both sleep deprived at 3am trying to get a baby fed! Its already a very difficult time even with a husband that is nicer during the witching hour!

Easily sorted, One of you into the spare room.

This. Totally silent. A game changer.
Shark FlexBreeze Portable Fan, Charcoal

It's not that hot and I'm not a great fan of hot weather. Take a hot water bottle filled with very cold water to bed. And turn on AC an hour or two before you go to bed.