Pregnant and Husband not letting me open the Windows at night.

[ElGraham]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and with the hot weather we are having at the minute I'm desperate to open the windows at night to cool down whilst in bed. My husband hates this, he said the bird noises wake him up and he can't get back to sleep. I just want a little bit of comfort during the pregnancy!

I'm waking up every night at around 4am sweating - its not yet totally unbearable heat but I know it soon will be in the summer. I tried the below to help:

1. He suggested a portable aircon, when I said that would be even louder he said he could handle a constant noise. Parent bought me an aircon for my birthday after I asked. After turning it on, he said it was too loud and we couldn't have it on at night.
2. I suggested ear plugs to help with the noise of the birds, he tried and said he could 'hear himself breathing' so didn't want to use that.
3. I suggested going to the spare room upstairs, he said that it was too bright and hot up there. When I suggested eye mask, he ignored the idea.
4. I suggested wearing headphones, he said he cant roll over onto his side when he wears them.

I am really at a loss here! I can't go into the spare room because its far too hot for me up there and the aircon hose doesn't reach the window - also the cat has his litter tray in there which I need to be away from.

He's really nice about it in the day time, says he can cope with it and we can have the windows open. At night he turns into this monster, he guilt trips me to make sure I close the windows. If I do open then, he gets up and closes them 15 minutes later which means neither of us sleep. If I want to try and talk to him about his he tells me to 'shush' its really making me dread night time and I feel like its only going to get hotter... I end up not sleeping if the windows are open now because I worry about how uncomfortable he is.

Be aware that if you are breastfeeding that might not work out and his role will be to support you.

This is exactly what we’re all saying. It’s very easy to excitedly talk about the cute baby and doing night feeds, it’s very different when you’re exhausted and suddenly woke at 3am when you only just got to sleep.

If he can’t handle an open window without getting so cranky and causing these kinds of arguments he WILL NOT. handle a baby. He’s kidding himself saying he will and you will pay the price.

You’re also being well trained not to fight him. You know there’s no point and you won’t win, so you give in and do it. When the novelty wears off you’ll be doing all the night feeds. It’s not worth arguing with him because you already know what he’s like when he’s so so tired… Slippery slope OP.

Speaking from horrible experience here.

Sleep in the spare room :) I've been married nearly 30 years and very rarely do I sleep in the same room as my husband. He farts and fidgets and I need to watch TV to "drift off", plus I have to get up earlier than he does. I love it when we do sleep in the same bed, but honestly, on a day to day basis - it is so much better for both of us to sleep separately. There's always so much nonsense about how if you're married you should sleep in the same room/bed, and actually I would sleep in the same room as him if we had separate beds, but there's more to life than that, especially once the need to be jumping one another wanes a little bit. And if that hasn't, well do that, and then nod off on your own! Sleep is very important, especially when you are pregnant! Get comfy on your own, don't stress about it :-D

Yeah, I can't wait for you to come back here six months into parenthood. Poor lamb can't bear his sleep being disturbed? He's in for a shock.

I think the fairest way if he's so rigid about this is for you to take it in turns, one night with the windows open/the air con on, and one night off. Because every time he demands 'I can't sleep with x y and z' you say, 'Well, I can't sleep without at least ONE of those things, so the only way to fairly do this is you have one good night's sleep, and I have a shit hot night, and then we swap. It's not fair you get ALL the undisturbed sleep and I get none!'

But mark my words, he is going to be an absolute nightmare once the baby is here.

If you open the window when you go to bed you should both get several hours sleep before the birdsong starts. If he's woken early hours, by the birds, could he close the window then? Hopefully your bedroom won't heat up too much, even if it's past sunrise. Or is he saying he can't get back to sleep once woken, however quiet the room is?
Alternatively, he needs to find a way to make the spare room comfortable for him - blackout blind or curtain, fan or opening the window at appropriate time of day.(I open velux window over the stairs late evening and overnight. Upstairs cools quickly then with a cold draught. If I open it earlier in the day both upstairs and downstairs get too warm.)

Why cant he go into the spare room @ElGraham ?

You've suggested a lot of solutions OP.

What has he suggested?

He sounds an absolute selfish prick and you will see more of this in all it's glory once the baby arrives.

@HelenHywater He says he can't sleep because of the light - its an extension so its a sky light without a blind, and that its 'TOO hot' which, it absolutely is but I can't help that!

Also he hates sleeping in a different bed to me, when I go into the spare room after arguing about the window, he always joins me.

After speaking with him today, he has said he is completely happy to set himself up in the spare room while its hot, will buy black out blinds etc... but I will believe that when I see it. Perhaps for a day or two!

For now to have both of you get some sleep put the air con on in the room an hour or so before you go to bed.

See if that gives enough cool to get you through.

Or try as PP said - open windows when going to bed before birds start, ear plugs for DH and see how far through the night you get until The Birds make an appearance.

Actually re baby arriving I suspect you might find your previously aurally sensitive DH who wakes at the merest ‘cheap cheap’ will miraculously find himself able to sleep through all sorts of baby crying and whining so that he doesn’t have to get up to deal with it!

At that point you never have to argue about the windows again.

Blackout blinds so he can sleep in the spare room? Or a musicozy sleep mask with inbuilt headphones - costs about £20 from Amazon.

@ElGraham He is not a lovely person. Lovely people don't behave like him!

Just tell him to stop being such a selfish twat and open the window when you need to. You are growing a baby. You need your sleep and your comfort.

Don't put up with his awful behaviour. If he doesn't like it he can go upstairs or sleep on the sofa.

Don't wait for him to move rooms. Start having the windows open from tonight. I don't know where you are in the country but it's hot anyway at the moment. Even without being pregnant, many people will have their windows open at night.

He isn’t lovely op. He’s only nice to you when it suits him. He’s not prepared to compromise one iota on the stuff that really matters. As pp said, he’s training you that his comfort comes first, then putting on a show of being Mr Nice Guy with grand gestures that are easy wins for him so that you kid yourself he’s ’lovely actually’.

I bet everyone else thinks he’s a great guy too. He’ll make sure everyone knows about how he dashes off to buy you stuff and all the other love bombing crap, so nobody will believe he’s actually a selfish twat about the stuff that matters.

He’s manipulative and controlling. You need to be acutely aware of what’s going on here.

Yeah, like he says you can have the window open yet 15 minutes later he's closing it or arguing with you for 2 hours about it.

Lovely guy. 🙄

His actions don't match up with his words much, why will this be different?

Oh my days, if he can't manage slight impacts on his night now, what happens when the baby arrives! Honestly, he needs to get used to interrupted sleep and not having everything his own way, because you're carrying his baby and the baby is the priority for the next ever..... I get it, I hate bird noise and the light coming in, but it doesn't happen till 5ish, can you agree to go to sleep a bit earlier? I don't see why he can't go to the spare room anyway. Can he handle a fan instead of the air con unit?
I'd also suggest you look at;
A cooling pillow - loved these they have a gel in and it's like it's always been freshly turned over
Ice pack type things you can sleep with (like a cold version of a hot water bottle)
I also used to like just a wet flannel

I also think you might need a bigger chat about how life will be with a baby, how much it will impact and how individual wants of parents do have to take a back seat sometimes and does he understand that....

He is going to be a joy with a crying baby in the night.
He is very selfish .
I have the window open .fan on. Audio book playing . But I get most people would hate that

This might help with you feeling hot....

1. Fill a hot water bottle with very cold water and hug it when you wake in the middle of the night.
2. Always have an extra pillow propped up against the head of the bed. When you wake up hot, swap the pillow you are sleeping on for the vertical cool one.

Best wishes from a menopausal woman used to having the dreaded early hours hot flushes 😬

But he doesn't care your not sleeping and need the energy to walk let alone give birth a loving partner would do anything for you to sleep ....
.his sorry is no different to a toddlers sorry not meant just a shut you up.

Sounds like he's going to be in for a bit of a shock when the baby arrives, the birds tweeting will be the least of his worries!

Tell him to either fuck off to the spare room, or go and sleep on the sofa. He’s an idiot.

Go and sleep at your parents house for a while until he grows up, hopefully before the baby does.
Seriously op, you’re too soft, your needs come first at the moment.

You are joking he drives you out of bed but then needs you as his comforter so he comes into a room he can't sleep in....how the fuck does he sleep then? He's controlling you I wonder how he will share you with breast feeding.

He sounds insufferable and I'd be very concerned about what he will be like during the night when the baby arrives.

Also if anyone tried to shush me (whether I was pregnant or not) they would not be in my good books.

He's being a twat.

I sleep with the windows open and I have seagulls outside screeching at 4am every morning - I barely register them any more.

He needs to put up with the birds until he gets used to them. The normal dawn chorus is a lovely sound anyway, what's wrong with him?

The good news is I'm 100% sure his hearing will deteriorate massively once the baby is here, and he'll be insisting doesn't hear it crying in the night, especially if it is his turn.