Pregnant and Husband not letting me open the Windows at night.

[ElGraham]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and with the hot weather we are having at the minute I'm desperate to open the windows at night to cool down whilst in bed. My husband hates this, he said the bird noises wake him up and he can't get back to sleep. I just want a little bit of comfort during the pregnancy!

I'm waking up every night at around 4am sweating - its not yet totally unbearable heat but I know it soon will be in the summer. I tried the below to help:

1. He suggested a portable aircon, when I said that would be even louder he said he could handle a constant noise. Parent bought me an aircon for my birthday after I asked. After turning it on, he said it was too loud and we couldn't have it on at night.
2. I suggested ear plugs to help with the noise of the birds, he tried and said he could 'hear himself breathing' so didn't want to use that.
3. I suggested going to the spare room upstairs, he said that it was too bright and hot up there. When I suggested eye mask, he ignored the idea.
4. I suggested wearing headphones, he said he cant roll over onto his side when he wears them.

I am really at a loss here! I can't go into the spare room because its far too hot for me up there and the aircon hose doesn't reach the window - also the cat has his litter tray in there which I need to be away from.

He's really nice about it in the day time, says he can cope with it and we can have the windows open. At night he turns into this monster, he guilt trips me to make sure I close the windows. If I do open then, he gets up and closes them 15 minutes later which means neither of us sleep. If I want to try and talk to him about his he tells me to 'shush' its really making me dread night time and I feel like its only going to get hotter... I end up not sleeping if the windows are open now because I worry about how uncomfortable he is.

I think its to do with the fact that he knows if he persists I will capitulate because I just need sleep and arguing for 2 hours at 4am does no one any good.

How is he a really lovely person? You mean he’s lovely when you don’t each want different things?? No, you need to nip this selfishness in the bud or it will get worse. I’ve been there. Your needs as a pregnant woman and the baby’s needs will trump his. He needs to have that explained to him to save everybody more hassle.

I think you SHOULD be worried. You've literally said he's a loving husband about it in the day and a selfish bastard in the night. He treats his pregnant wife like this, why do you think he's going to be different with the addition of a screaming baby?

Show him the replies on this thread.

Or can u ask a male relative with kids to explain to him that this is not how things work? The deal is you grow a baby for nine months and he gets a grip.

He sounds ghastly.
You will become far more uncomfortable as the pregnancy continues.
It seems he is a selfish, me me me person.
Sorry for your situation. This will only end badly. A serious conversation is needed.
However as a previous poster has stated, you are being groomed not to disagree or make a point.
Can only wish you good luck & hope he gets a personality change when enjoying his much needed sleep.

What’s the betting this delicate soul who gets woken up by birds will somehow sleep through a baby crying at night

So many solutions here OP, but just one more that I didn't see mentioned. Try layers on the bed instead of a duvet. Sheet, thin duvet, top layer, eg a throw or something, perhaps on his side of the bed only. On any nights you're letting him have the window closed, when you get too hot you can peel the duvet off from your side and chuck it over him, so you are just sleeping under the sheet. Also, can you angle the bed so that his head is further away than yours from the window?

@ElGraham So every possible solution you suggest, he shoots down in flames and still gets his own way. He agrees with them in the cold light of day when he's Mr Reasonable, but then completely back-tracks at night causing you both to be tired. As much as he says he's excited about your imminent arrival, if he can't cope with the dawn chorus, he will not be able to cope with a crying baby.
You need to fit a slide bolt to your spare bedroom door and when it's hot and you need to go in there, you lock him out so he can't join you. You give him a stark choice OP: he sleeps in the same bed as you with the window open on a hot night, or he sleeps alone with the window closed. That's it. No other option.

Keep opening the window and inform him that you are literally running hotter now that you are carrying his baby.

You need to not give in, even if it means a couple of nights of arguing at 4am. He is being a prick.

Also, if he can’t cope with the sound of birdsong and lack of sleep “turns him into a horrible human” at night, I’m sorry to break it to you but he will definitely not cope with a crying baby!! Maybe he needs to seek therapy in preparation? Something is making him anxious about not sleeping and he needs to get over it quickly.

I can see both sides. I can not sleep with windows open. Firstly my room is on the side of the house with a road and people start going to work from 4-5am. We also have the bird problem and I sympathise with anyone who can’t sleep through them. Worst is the wood pigeon. We also have a bird that sounds like an alarm beep. Minister woken by it thinking a smoke alarm is going off on my house or next door, or even a car alarm. Can never get back to sleep. Also in the summer my hayfever gets worse at night.

I’m also having issues of waking up hot. I’ve tried a fan and find them too noisy. My kids often have theirs on. I’ve now popped the loft hatch which does mean the hot air continues to go up from our rooms. When it’s unbearably hot I resort to ditching the duvet for a sheet and wearing the lightest PJs I can fine. I like to be covered though.

I tend to keep my blinds and curtains closed during the day now. Stops the sun getting the room too hot to begin with.

I’d seriously suggest one of you does sleep in your upstairs spare room and buy the necessary extension hose, blinds, open windows at the right time, move the litter tray. Suggestions people have made.

As a man he will sleep through baby noises though. As a woman you’ll never sleep in a proper deep sleep again!! If that room is the only spare, is that going to be the child’s room eventually?? If so you’d need to sort the summer heat issue out anyway as kids don’t like it hot either.

Those snooze bands sound like a good idea if he wants to hear music. I can’t personally sleep near plugs or ear phones. I shared with my DM many times and as an older (70+) person who has sleep apnoea I struggle to sleep unless I can fall asleep first. She snores like a train is coming through a tunnel. Last time we shared I seriously considered sleeping in the bath but just stayed comfy and got less sleep. I did try the ear phones with some music on at one point which helped a bit but were not comfy.

Sorry @ElGraham it all sounds so annoying for you! Hope some of the suggestions here help. @wordler what you wrote is hilarious. OP pls update us when the time comes!

Separate duvets of different tog thickness.
Extra blanket on his side of the bed.
Aircon on until bedtime making it cool enough to get to sleep.
He sleeps in pj's and you in nothing.
Blackout blind in the spare room.
Fan for you in the spare room.

Those are all the ideas I can think of.

Yep, this is the vibe I'm getting too.

Men are very excited before the baby.

And in my experience, super helpful for the first 2-4 weeks.

Then the novelty wears off and you will very much be dealing with 3am wake ups on your own for the next 12 months.

You're both in for a shock tbh. So don't let him get away with it now.

Never underplay to him how tired or sick or in pain you are. Men like him will continue as if you're fine even when you're clearly not.

After speaking with him today, he has said he is completely happy to set himself up in the spare room while its hot, will buy black out blinds etc... but I will believe that when I see it. Perhaps for a day or two!

He sounds unutterably selfish. He should be in the spare room - shouldn't NEED to be asked. You are pregnant. He needs to start taking one for the team.

Or… he lets OP open the window like she wants to and he deals with the bird noise with earplugs??

seems a bit easier and cheaper than buying aircon unit, duvet, fan, blackouts etc

If he were really lovely the rest of the time, he’d agree to sleep in the spare room, get an eye mask and all this would be moot.

You’re pregnant and growing his child inside you…he needs to stop acting like a petulant child and being a stroppy princess about the alternatives you’ve given. I’m not sure about the dynamics in your marriage but in mine, that window would be open and he can sort himself out either in the same room or somewhere else! I certainly would not be suffering because he’s a selfish twat..

He says he can't sleep because of the light - its an extension so its a sky light without a blind, and that its 'TOO hot'

When is he saying this? During the day, when he’s apparently the loveliest most considerate man?

Also he hates sleeping in a different bed to me, when I go into the spare room after arguing about the window, he always joins me.

So, his inability to sleep in that room vanishes? The selfishness here is insane. How are you not appalled?!

After speaking with him today, he has said he is completely happy to set himself up in the spare room while its hot, will buy black out blinds etc

Also, if he’s only horrid in the middle of the night, why will you believe it when you see it? All of that stuff, and him going to bed, doesn’t happen in the middle of the night. Buying and fitting black out blinds etc is a daytime activity.

Buy this fan. we have it and it’s really quiet until you get to like level 5.
I mean whisper. Really whisper quiet. You can’t hear it on level 4

www.argos.co.uk/product/3931640?clickOrigin=searchbar:productdetails:sku:3931640

Crikey, he needs to toughen up before the baby arrives and keeps him awake all night. Why can't he fix how bright the spare room is with blackout blinds? Or deal with the window open noise with earplugs?

Separate rooms all the way. Gamechanger! DH and I have had them since we were around late 30s (when we were married 12-13 years, and had 2 young kids.) We moved from a 3 bed house to a 4 bed - and I had my own bedroom.

DH, even though not overweight, snored like a buffalo from his early 30s. He never did anything about it either (wasn't affecting him was it?!) Amazing how much better your sleep is when you haven't got someone in bed with you!

IMO it's untenable to sleep with someone long term IMO. 2 grown-ass adults squashed together in a 6' X 4' bed. Even if you have a king bed you still have the grunting and snoring and heavy breathing and coughing and flapping about! DH and I had/have completely different sleeping habits too. He is always cold and has a heater on in the bedroom, (half the year) and the windows closed, and he had 5 or 6 layers on his bed too. I am always warm and have windows open, no heating on, and very little covering me!

@ElGraham Sleep in the other bedroom whenever you want. My DH pulled a face when I moved rooms, like 'married couples shouldn't sleep apart' but I told him 'tough shit I am gone'. Sleep is essential for good mental health and good physical health. His wounded masculinity was of no concern to me. He wouldn't do anything about his snoring, so tough shit mate. I LOVE having my own bedroom. He loves having his own now too. In fact he loved it after a few weeks. (Had them some 20 years now we have. Could never go back.)

Yeh my husband has this also!

She wasn’t pregnant last summer.

It’s common knowledge that women tend to feel hotter when pregnant due to increased blood flow, hormonal changes, faster metabolism due to the baby’s additional energy demands etc.

Tell him the birds start around 4 am and your currency awake all night ask why his sleep is more important than his pregnant partner’s he’s being selfish if the birds wake him he can close the window then and go back to sleep at least then your both getting some sleep.

Why can’t he go in the spare room? Why does he not understand you’re pregnant and need to be comfortable as it’s baking hot and being pregnant is fucking hard!! Is he always so insensitive? I really worry about what he’ll be like when baby is here, I assume he won’t be getting up at night