Pregnant and Husband not letting me open the Windows at night.

[ElGraham]

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and with the hot weather we are having at the minute I'm desperate to open the windows at night to cool down whilst in bed. My husband hates this, he said the bird noises wake him up and he can't get back to sleep. I just want a little bit of comfort during the pregnancy!

I'm waking up every night at around 4am sweating - its not yet totally unbearable heat but I know it soon will be in the summer. I tried the below to help:

1. He suggested a portable aircon, when I said that would be even louder he said he could handle a constant noise. Parent bought me an aircon for my birthday after I asked. After turning it on, he said it was too loud and we couldn't have it on at night.
2. I suggested ear plugs to help with the noise of the birds, he tried and said he could 'hear himself breathing' so didn't want to use that.
3. I suggested going to the spare room upstairs, he said that it was too bright and hot up there. When I suggested eye mask, he ignored the idea.
4. I suggested wearing headphones, he said he cant roll over onto his side when he wears them.

I am really at a loss here! I can't go into the spare room because its far too hot for me up there and the aircon hose doesn't reach the window - also the cat has his litter tray in there which I need to be away from.

He's really nice about it in the day time, says he can cope with it and we can have the windows open. At night he turns into this monster, he guilt trips me to make sure I close the windows. If I do open then, he gets up and closes them 15 minutes later which means neither of us sleep. If I want to try and talk to him about his he tells me to 'shush' its really making me dread night time and I feel like its only going to get hotter... I end up not sleeping if the windows are open now because I worry about how uncomfortable he is.

I can’t believe he tells you to shush, says he can’t possibly sleep in the spare room but then follows you in! That’s major red flag controlling selfish behaviour and all about his needs

Then we get to the middle of the night and its a totally different story!
There is something about at night where he turns into this really horrible person that can't understand reason!
I think it’s to do with the fact that he knows if he persists I will capitulate because I just need sleep and arguing for 2 hours at 4am does no one any good.

Let’s reframe this. Your husband is a really “lovely” man, except that he’s a really horrible person that can’t understand reason when he drinks and he drinks every night.

You want him to stop but he continues because he knows that you don’t want to fight with him in the middle of the night about his drinking.

Still acceptable? Still “lovely?”

I would commit to several nights of making my point. He’s happy for you to be up so he can sleep, I’d make the effort, and go back and open it again. All. Night. Long. Say pretend it’s a baby since frankly I don’t believe you will cope as you never have for a single night thought my wife deserves some sleep, I’m up every night miserable so you can sleep which makes you an asshole. Go sleep somewhere else, and remember when the baby comes you won’t get to walk away from your night stint unless you want to walk away from your whole family permanently.

Have a really good think about how often he actually compromises in general life OP, or whether you have fallen into the habit of doing what he wants pretty much all the time. I found myself in that position but (somehow!!) I was 20-odd years in before something happened which required my feelings/needs to take precedence and by that time the dynamic was so ingrained it took the battle of the century to change it.

My DH is a good man but not the most emotionally intelligent so I genuinely don't think he realised how unhealthy our dynamic was, and he certainly didn't understand why I was suddenly so insistent on changing it. It took me completely digging my heels in and refusing to back down to get through to him, which is exactly what you need to do here imo.

What exactly does/would happen if you opened the window at bedtime/in the night and when he objects you say 'no, it stays open, my needs matter as much as yours and I need to sleep'?

Divorce divorce divorce - coercive behaviour......

What’s he going to do when there is a new born in the house and he has to get up and help with feeding and changing diapers.

Your husband sounds like an ignorant selfish asshole.

He is denying you comfort because he’s a lacks empathy for you or simply doesn’t give a 💩 .

He needs to either sleep in the other room or let you be comfortable. If he turns off your fan or closes your window tell him to put it back and if he wants to argue tell him to go somewhere else.

I love this idea! 🤭

@ElGraham i don’t know if you saw my post, but it’s a link to a really really quiet fan. Honestly I can’t cope with noisy ones and this one you can’t hear. If it’s just directed to you and it’s not oscillating he won’t even know it’s on. Let me know if you need me to send the link again.

When I lived in a hot country, I hated sleeping with air con - it made me feel really dry and scratchy throat-ish in the mornings. So as a PP suggested, I would run the air for a couple of hours before I went to bed, and that would get me through the night. Other tips - I would sleep with a very light covering and a fan. Put a bowl of ice water in front of the fan to blow cool air at me. I would also sometimes spray myself with cold water which helped.

100%

This doesn't bode well for you @ElGraham

This. He is extremely controlling and lacking in empathy. I fear for that baby.

Why don’t you go in the upstairs spare room ?

Selfish bastard.
Stop any further suggestions and concentrate on your own comfort( including ear plugs if he complains)
Seriously how is he intending to cope with a baby, if he complains about birdsong waking him up?!

What he does when you are too hot is the true measure of him, not the lovebombing he gives you later.

Consider your pregnancy options carefully and start to divorce him because he will only get worse later on.

What do you have as covers? I would ditch the quilt and have a thin blanket and use the air conti cool the room before bed.

I’d take the pregnancy out the equation , it’s very hot currently I’d imagine most the country are sleeping with a fan or window open. He needs to be more caring and fast because soon he’ll he getting no sleep and needing to look after you / baby after birth.
we have a Dyson fan it’s quiet on numbers 1/2/3 and nice and cool

I would say tell him to bugger off to a different room or take the sofa because you need your rest.

This guy who wakes up at every noise will be the same guy who will sleep through all the baby's night cries and feeds.

Just tell him you understand and want him to sleep but you also have to sleep so a compromise is needed. Will it be the sofa or the open window?

This.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

now is the time to face up to life OP, don’t bring a baby into a bullies man cave. It’s easier to leave now & get settled elsewhere than with a baby.

So sorry op, your husband is a massively selfish shit. This is only going to get worse the more pregnant you are. You have offered reasonable compromises which he has dismissed. You need to put your foot down- your body is busy growing a person and your sleep is more important than his.

Doesn’t sound like he’s going to compromise so maybe an extension cable for the air con and move the litter tray to the hall. It’s not actually a safety issue to be in the same room as it but I’d still not fancy actually sleeping in the same room as a litter tray pregnant or not due to smell.

This!!

The world does not revolve around pregnancy but yes compromising is good

Wow, he’s so selfish. If this is your only issue with him, try and stand firm and not pander. However, if he has other coercive, controlling and bullying traits PLEASE seek help and support because it won’t get better once a baby is in the mix (eg he’ll come out with gems like “you can’t go to your mum/friend’s house again”; “you will spend Christmas with my family”; “you’re only part time, you have to do all the cleaning” and on and on, worse and worse).

On the plus side - if birds wake him up, he’ll have no problems hearing a baby cry at night and can do the night/early morning care 😁 (sarcasm - he’ll find a reason not to hear baby…)

This. You need to sort this now, maybe with a relationship counsellor. You need compromise and support when you have a new born and you feel too knackered and vulnerable to have arguments then.

Yes I remember being so tired I couldn’t face arguing with my DH about something he’d said that upset me. Then I thought to myself : this is how women get stuck in bad/abusive relationships, they get to a point they actually have no energy to argue and then they get stuck with the bad behaviour.

Thankfully my DH is lovely and we were both just exhausted but women really are so vulnerable after giving birth, they have nothing left to give and can’t advocate for themselves.