Shit men on dating apps.

ThatAquaRobin · 2025-05-10T13:13:59+00:00

Feel like giving up. I mean seriously what's the bloody point? I'm 49. I have been chatting to what seemed like a smart intelligent guy (55) for the past week in Whatsapp. Met on bumble. He checked out ok, one mutual Facebook friend. We had set up a date for this evening 6.30 and the last message I had was around 8ish last night saying how he was looking forward to it. Today he cancels at 1pm-ish saying "he's met someone else he likes and wanted to be honest" Am I naive or is this the norm now? Honestly I just want to cry What's the point?

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 14:17

Maybe see dating apps as a way of meeting new people, rather than a way to start a relationship. Then it won't feel like every match that flourishes in the whatsapp stage was a potential partner.

Original poster

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 14:29

Not sure I am thick skinned enough for it.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 10/05/2025 14:33

That's disappointing but at the same time it's better than two timing you.

OLD is a rough sort of ride I do agree. I got quite hardened to it so still enjoyed it up to a point but was glad to stop after meeting dp for sure.

KitsyWitsy · 10/05/2025 14:41

A male friend said to me that dating for men on the apps is a numbers game. Another man confirmed it and said he swiped right or whatever it is on everyone and then perused any matches. Recently, I was on a singles group and getting the odd message from a guy but then he wouldn't respond back to me. I assume he was talking to many people and couldn't keep up. He periodically comes back but he's burnt his bridges with so many women locally now by doing that...

So I think that's what's happened to you. He's just juggling a few women. It's not something I could do, really. Just because of having to let people down when you decide you don't like them.

Beenaboutabit · 10/05/2025 14:45

He did the right thing rather than string you along.

Just remember that dating apps don’t want you to find your match and disappear. They want you to stay on them and continue using them. They flourish when dating doesn’t work out.

Original poster

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 14:49

Yeh I know. But at 49 and a single parent it feels like I have no other choice.
I hate it.

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 10/05/2025 14:52

They’re absolute shit and a waste of time fir women looking for any sort of actual relationship.

Im older than you and my experience was that all I attracted on dating apps were men looking for easy sex most of whom could barely communicate in words of more than one syllable.

Yes there are some decent men out there but they’re almost impossible to find in cases of complete dross.

Tbh it makes no difference if you are meeting men socially rather than online, the older you get, the more shallow the pool is to the point it’s pretty much non existent.

Original poster

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 14:54

This one was intelligent, articulate and smart. Seems he can have his pick.

OP posts:

GingerPaste · 10/05/2025 15:04

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 14:54

This one was intelligent, articulate and smart. Seems he can have his pick.

Yes, I should think a good man will have a very wide circle of women to pick from.

Conversely, a good woman won’t have a wide circle of good men to pick from (because the circle of good men is small… and getting smaller)!

LemonLass · 10/05/2025 15:04

Hi @ThatAquaRobin I can totally relate (not thar it helps - your latest experience sucks).

I had similar - someone messaged, hit it off messaging. Didnt go over to whatsapp as been doing OLD a while and fed up of timewasters. I message back in App, meet soon a few times and then decide if something has potential.

The last guy "excited" to be meeting for coffee eve before. A few hours before, he cried off that he had to "dash" to help one of his "at uni" kids. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said let's reschedule. When didnt hear off him ever again 😂, it was obviously an excuse. Rinse and repeat, basically!

I call them lucky escapes and privately laugh at claims that they would "never cancel" in a Bio.

On occassions when have actually met, have yet to meet someone who I want to pursue a relationship with. Guys seem in a rush to get their leg over. I want to weed out those guys and actually see who they are rather than what they say they are.

Good luck. Enjoy the chats and know they are probably chatting to multiple people (which is fine) but then dont make arrangements with everyone, guys!

MoominMai · 10/05/2025 15:05

@ThatAquaRobin urgh so sorry OP, must be utterly soul destroying and demoralising.
Similar age as you and even have it easier being child free but OLD was just too traumatising for me! I gave it up in my late 30s - even back then exactly the same things were happening as you describe. Probably worse now with the rise of unsolicited d*ck picks! Honestly I feel for you and have no solutions unfortunately.

I met someone early 50s in real life 2 years ago, he was ridiculously handsome, fun, financially secure and I smugly congratulated myself for this. But then he turned out to be insanely jealous with an inferiority complex so had to throw him back and now 2 years later back to square one! 😭

As someone said, really does seem the older you get the ‘normal’ ones are nowhere to be found!

Do you think you’ll carry on OLD?

LuvACustardCream · 10/05/2025 15:06

It's a numbers game and it's a two way street. Until I met them and we decided we wanted to date, I always chatted to multiple men. You really can't take anything seriously until you meet face to face.
Did Old for just under a year, met lots of people, most of whom were no way a match. Eventually met DH. It does work but you need a thick skin, strong boundaries and know what you're looking for

Original poster

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 15:08

I really can't see the point.
I think that's it for me now.
I'm 49 and never thought this would be the end of my life as a sexual being.
I'd so love to feel touch and desire again.
It's not attainable at my age unless I settle for an elderly man.

OP posts:

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 10/05/2025 15:10

It’s not uncommon sadly. I had the same a couple of weeks ago except he unmatched me on the day of the date, that he’d suggested we go on. No clue why, but don’t think too much about it.
Next one was a nice guy that I’ve seen twice. But it’s very clear he lied about his height (I wore flat shoes to the second date and I’m still taller than him) and there’s no spark. I was getting bored, especially when he gave me a lengthy explanation of GDPR. On a date.
You’ve got to be resilient on the apps and don’t assume you’ll find the one. Just see if you can progress to some dates and see how you feel. If it gets too annoying then take a break.

RockingBeebo · 10/05/2025 15:13

I am 50, also a single parent, and did OLD for about 6 months aged 47. It was a cesspit, I agree. I then met someone out dancing (I am into house music and often go to events). It was only a one night stand in the end, he was too young too, but he was so much better than who I'd met on the apps that I immediately deleted them. I then met by partner at another music event, dancing. He's 53. I've never had better sex. Neither has he. It's not over yet! Like you, I had thought my sex life was permanently behind me but I was wrong.

LemonLass · 10/05/2025 15:17

@ThatAquaRobin you sound like you could do with a break from it or step back and enjoy the coffee dates. Some good advice here from everyone.

So annoying that matches suggest a meet then are flakey. View it that this person has done you a favour and these are the way they treat people i.e. disrespectful, no backbone, no class and just childish game players. Wow, what a winner, right?!

I believe timing is a big thing too. It could be the person right for you isnt on that platform (yet) so just check in and browse when it suits you. Meet locally so no big commute and choose somewhere you would like lunch. Enjoy the experience, whether or not they are right for you x

dollyblue01 · 10/05/2025 15:17

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 15:08

I really can't see the point.
I think that's it for me now.
I'm 49 and never thought this would be the end of my life as a sexual being.
I'd so love to feel touch and desire again.
It's not attainable at my age unless I settle for an elderly man.

No don’t give up, see it for what it is abit of a pastime, when you’ve an hour spare, don’t overthink anything, just look to make friends and if anything comes of it great, id been on match about 5 months and used it to get to know people and made some nice friends , eventually found someone, he said for men it’s like they cast a net , then weed through the women, not nice I know, men hey.

TwistedWonder · 10/05/2025 15:21

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 15:08

I really can't see the point.
I think that's it for me now.
I'm 49 and never thought this would be the end of my life as a sexual being.
I'd so love to feel touch and desire again.
It's not attainable at my age unless I settle for an elderly man.

The apps are fine if you’re looking for sex rather than a relationship.

Theres plenty of men who want something casual - unfortunately many of them pretend they want a relationship at the start

Smithey885 · 10/05/2025 15:47

It’s a little unfair to stereotype men on OLD, when in reality the women can be just as bad. Everything that is wrong with the men on OLD, is pretty much the same for the men looking for women.

Catfishing, ghosting, using OLD for a free meal, and dating multiple men at the same time - I can assure you men have it (nearly) as bad as the women.

But I agree it’s hard work, and very demoralising. I’ve met someone wonderful from Hinge, and honestly it’s makes sifting through all the dross worthwhile!

Jacarandill · 10/05/2025 15:58

TwistedWonder · 10/05/2025 14:52

They’re absolute shit and a waste of time fir women looking for any sort of actual relationship.

Im older than you and my experience was that all I attracted on dating apps were men looking for easy sex most of whom could barely communicate in words of more than one syllable.

Yes there are some decent men out there but they’re almost impossible to find in cases of complete dross.

Tbh it makes no difference if you are meeting men socially rather than online, the older you get, the more shallow the pool is to the point it’s pretty much non existent.

Edited

That’s not my experience at all.

I’m mid-forties and all the men I’ve met in person have been nice, attractive, chatty, intelligent and easy to talk to.

Some of them have turned into brief relationships (ended by me), some have gone no further and others have ended up being just one-off sex.

Mind you, I view it like a man would: it’s a numbers game. I’m also not particularly looking for a long term relationship, so if things don’t work out Im philosophical about it.

There’s lots of dross out there for sure, but you just have to weed those out before you meet them.

LoveItaly · 10/05/2025 16:08

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 15:08

I really can't see the point.
I think that's it for me now.
I'm 49 and never thought this would be the end of my life as a sexual being.
I'd so love to feel touch and desire again.
It's not attainable at my age unless I settle for an elderly man.

Don’t give up, it can still happen for you. I know two women, one who was in her mid fifties and the other early sixties who both found love again with single men of a similar age. Both still very happy nearly ten years on, the first was via online dating and the second through the local church.

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 16:48

Jacarandill · 10/05/2025 15:58

That’s not my experience at all.

I’m mid-forties and all the men I’ve met in person have been nice, attractive, chatty, intelligent and easy to talk to.

Some of them have turned into brief relationships (ended by me), some have gone no further and others have ended up being just one-off sex.

Mind you, I view it like a man would: it’s a numbers game. I’m also not particularly looking for a long term relationship, so if things don’t work out Im philosophical about it.

There’s lots of dross out there for sure, but you just have to weed those out before you meet them.

Show quote history

I think that's the key. I think at 50, a lot of people are leaving heavy long term relationships and don't want to make the same mistakes again so want to keep it more casual and see what's out there.

If you're desperate to secure a full time relationship, and not enjoy the more frivolous things like fun dates, sex and spontaneity, then you're probably not a good fit for that age group.

Original poster

ThatAquaRobin · 10/05/2025 16:54

Well I can see that. It's just depressing.
I'm too young to never have sex again

OP posts:

potplants · 10/05/2025 17:17

Not just men on the apps op the women can sometimes be shit as well.

BeEagerTurtle · 10/05/2025 17:32

KitsyWitsy · 10/05/2025 14:41

A male friend said to me that dating for men on the apps is a numbers game. Another man confirmed it and said he swiped right or whatever it is on everyone and then perused any matches. Recently, I was on a singles group and getting the odd message from a guy but then he wouldn't respond back to me. I assume he was talking to many people and couldn't keep up. He periodically comes back but he's burnt his bridges with so many women locally now by doing that...

So I think that's what's happened to you. He's just juggling a few women. It's not something I could do, really. Just because of having to let people down when you decide you don't like them.

Agree with that , I was on OLD a few years ago and there are lots of flaky women on there as well , BUT most women don’t respond so it certainly does end up just beta numbers game waiting to see if anyone responds

The other issue with men in the kinda 40 to 60 range is that they are just as likely to have come out of a LTR or divorce and are in no hurry to jump in another one and just as likely as women to be looking for some friendship, company and some light dating