Shit men on dating apps.

[ThatAquaRobin]

Feel like giving up. I mean seriously what's the bloody point?
I'm 49. I have been chatting to what seemed like a smart intelligent guy (55) for the past week in Whatsapp. Met on bumble.
He checked out ok, one mutual Facebook friend.
We had set up a date for this evening 6.30 and the last message I had was around 8ish last night saying how he was looking forward to it.
Today he cancels at 1pm-ish saying "he's met someone else he likes and wanted to be honest"
Am I naive or is this the norm now?
Honestly I just want to cry
What's the point?

He ll be back, bide your time, if you want him.

My guess is someone flirtier and getting into sexting with him has focused his attention, for the moment. He ll be disappointed in real life and then you ll receive the "hi, just checking in" message.

But that’s exactly what women do , not sure how many times I have read “weed through the dross” on this forum when referring to men , but women’s behaviour on OLD is exactly the same as men, just that women don’t like to admit to it 🤷🏻
not nice I know, women hey.

I'm a single parent and the kids are with their dad.
I could have made plans with friends but had this date.
Now I'm just stuck here by myself on a Saturday night. I even refused my daughter a sleepover (her dad doesn't have room at his)
I'd allowed myself to get excited about plans and now I have none.
Back on Bumble but I don't fancy anyone

I'm 42, not even a single parent. Have plenty of time to date but it's such slim pickings on all apps. Constant mind games, misogyny etc.

Only three things guaranteed in life - death, taxes and every thread that vaguely criticises men, the ‘man here’ brigade will be along to mansplain why women are even worserer

Success story here - I met my dp OLD nearly 6 years ago at 53, so persevere it does work but I won’t lie I did kiss a lot of frogs, was ghosted, love bombed (didn’t realise it was a thing until it happened) regularly sent d*ck pics,
was told (politely if that’s possible) I need to lose weight I was a size 12/14, (when one found out what I did) was asked how much I made and the list went on!!
My friends loved my dating stories always made them laugh! So nice to know my horror brought joy to others!
Now fast forward today I’m in the best relationship so don’t be disheartened there are some good ones out there and you only need to meet one.
OLD is not for the faint of heart and you need a thick skin but you can meet some nice people, even if it’s only as friends

Men are infuriating.
He's still on Bumble but has unmatched me.
I've deleted him off Whatsapp now.
Initially I blocked him in temper but have unblocked.
Why do I want to be someone's back-up option even if he does come back for another try.

Perhaps OP doesnt want to be his second or third choice or want to do the pick me dance

Men like this know they can get away with it though.
It's not as if there's a long line of intelligent fit 55 year old men within 5 miles of me, with good sentence construction and grammar skills.

Most of them are from the the old and fat 'hows u?" brigade.

Most likely he hasn't met anyone, it was just a lie, an excuse to stop communicating with you. OLD is full of low effort people like him. Why even agree to go on a date with you, get your hopes up and then back off with a lie?

It's also possible he doesn't resemble his pictures in real life and is scared of anything more than texting.

I thought I could spot low effort or players but clearly not.
Most men I swipe right on don't match.
Those that do match, I message and then nothing.
Then the really rare one like this that chats on Whatsapp and set up a date, then cancels.
😥
No idea how this is supposed to work for anyone.
Maybe if you're 28 slim and no baggage. Then the 55 year olds will be all over you.

I reckon it’s this. He was too scared to meet you in reality (or maybe anyone or maybe married). But you are literally too good for who he really is.

Hopefully it is that.
What was so weird was that he was literally "looking forward to meeting me" tonight when we were messaging yesterday.
What the hell suddenly changes within 16 hours?☹️

Exactly- even if he’d had a better offer he would have made an excuse and rearranged. I bet he knew he was never going to go through with it.

So the first guy went wrong and now it's all over forever more, yes?

Well I'm venting.

Keep the faith. I was OLD on bumble for one week last year - met my partner on my second ever OLD and we’ve been together 14 months now. There are some good ones out there….

Think we’ve all had last minute unexplained let downs.

I was chatting to a really nice guy for a couple of weeks - would have arranged to meet sooner but I was in Crete for a week. Even while I was away he messaged every morning to ask how I was, what we’d done the previous day and said how much he was looking forward to meeting.

I got home Tuesday evening and we arranged a date fur Saturday. Chatted all day Weds and Thurs then Friday morning I messaged ‘good morning really excited about tomorrow’ and he didn’t reply. So I left it thinking maybe busy at work and do I just dropped a ‘how’s your day going’ about 2pm - again no reply.

And up to that point he’d been the one doing most of the chasing.

Id rather he sent a message saying he’d changed his mind rather than nothing.

You do need a thick skin.
I did OLD on and off when I was about your age (post - divorce friends said I needed to 'get out there').
To quote Obi Wan Kenobi, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
Decided to jack it in after one last go. I wasn't hopeful but he turned out to be the love of my life.

Thing is, it's entirely a numbers game.

There might be 200 idiots in the group. But all it takes is for one perfect chap for you to sign up tonight and the rest is history. If you give up tonight, you won't ever meet him. Maybe he's on a date at the moment that won't work out and he'll "re-join" in a month.

Sit it out. Wait for the one decent person to arrive, because the 200 idiots you've tolerated will suddenly have been worth it.

the same, not better , not worse- just the same

I'm not sure what aspect of this has pissed me off more.

1. That I didn't have enough notice to sort out something else to do on a Sat night when the kids were with their dad.
2. That I got played.
3. That I allowed myself to get excited and feel attraction (albeit to some texts and pictures) and became invested after 1 week of chats.

@ThatAquaRobin
All valid points to be raging about and it helps to consider what you would do differently going forward

e.g. saturday or sunday lunch date (leave your eves free from first meets due to potential flakey matches).

No harm in looking forward to meets but they/we paint a picture of ourselves to look the most appealing. It is a fantasy to some extent so try to keep your feet on the ground.

You may or may not have been played from the start or they may have got cold feet. Only they will know for sure. Maybe they never intended meeting and were lonely /married/emotionally immature/insert anything cos we dont know... Maybe they met someone and giving it a go. OLD seems to mean people are less committed or invested so set your rules and keep looking for someone on your terms x

I think you’re a bit over invested - you didn’t even meet him (unless I’ve missed something)? Yep of course it’s disappointing you didn’t get to go on a date with him, but for all you know he may have had horrific BO, or a really awful squeaky voice or something (dunno if you’ve actually spoken to him). It’s definitely a numbers game. You have to keep going, keep going and keep going. And don’t make meetings into too big a deal. When I was doing it I’d arrange to meet for a daytime coffee, that way it was just a short hour or so and I’d make an excuse to leave if I didn’t like them.

I had all sorts of idiots - someone who suggested (after chatting for a week) that he thought his 70 year old dad might be more suitable for me (!) and then someone else who was some sort of president of some fan club for Vegemite and that was all he ever talked about.

Then met now dh for a coffee. We stayed in the coffee shop for 3 hours until they started shutting the shop around us and 15 years later we’re still together.

But yes; you do need a hard skin. It’s not you.