Why are people long term single?

[loveyoutothemoon]

So people that want a relationship and are single more often than not, is it more because they're difficult to get along with, insecure etc? Or could it be more down to luck?
I suppose I'm looking for personal experiences really.
For me it's fussiness and impatience and insecurity, which I'm having counselling for.

Everyone knew what she meant,
your pedantic correction wasn’t required

Im 49F (straight) and I also only find someone attractive once in a blue moon, so in order to find that rare person that I might be attracted to I think I would need to go on hundreds of dates and I really can’t be bothered doing that, If I meet someone I meet someone but If I don’t I’m absolutely fine as I am
I also think men around my age feel the same though so even if I did go on hundreds of dates and found someone that I really did find attractive the chances of him then feeling the same about me are so so slim that the whole debacle just isn’t worth it

It was life circumstances for me. I was always the type to be in a relationship and when I divorced I met two men and was in a year long relationship with each.

My two dc had a lot of difficulties and were both out of school and I literally had no time (another pp said she had the same situation) and it was not fair on my dc or any man to bring them into the situation.

It’s now too late to bother as the calibre of men is not out there in my age group.

I think, if you're single & think you want a relationship it's a combination of luck and really being ready/knowing what you want if it turns up.
I've just started seeing someone (via OLD) for the first time in over 20 years. In my 20's I had a series of short, rather unsatisfactory dates/flings/involvements & had an unplanned pregnancy which I decided to go ahead with but the father didn't want to stuck around. So my 30's & 40's have been single parenting, without the time or opportunity to date. And really feeling that while a relationship might be nice it wasn't a priority in the same way that getting my career back and building a good social circle was.
Now I'm in my early 50s, I'm pretty happy with all other aspects of my life, approached OLD after quite a bit of thought about what I might want, but no desperate need to, or expectation of, finding it. And have been lucky enough to meet a man who, so far, ticks all those boxes, but I probably wouldn't have gone out with at a different point in our lives. So, timing & luck.

It's just an amazingly liberating way to live. I'd struggle to live any other way, I think 😊

Because I’m heterosexual and that means dating men.

do I need to explain further? 😂😂

I’ve just never been very good relationships. I have no idea why as I had a very stable childhood- my parents had a loving stable marriage & were good parents. I’ve had many many interactions with men- never had a problem attracting men. I’m a very good mother- took to it like a duck to water. Have some long term female friendships too. It’s just romantic relationships I’ve always been really poor at. Given up trying to work myself out now in my mid 40s. I get along very well with men generally, I have issues socially or anything like that. It just all goes wrong when there’s romantic or sexual engagement. I’ve been with all sorts of men and met them in lots of different ways but nothing has ever worked in the very long term (longest relationship 8 years).

Such an empowering statement

The poster corrected themselves

So much time has gone by and I realise that I've now been single for nearly 20 years. I do feel sad thinking about having been single for 20 years but just couldn't make myself want to try again. I'm very very thankful I managed to get a couple of kids out of the car crash of my non love life 😂

I know two women who would like a relationship but haven't been in one for a while. Both 60ish. Both not native to the country we live in and there's a bit of a culture clash. One would prefer someone from her own country as she doesn't want to speak a second language with her partner. The other is really used to living alone and I'm not sure a partner would fit in her schedule, even though she likes the idea in theory. She's also very outspoken, often to the point of rudeness, and would not tone that down for a man - she'd like a partner, but not at the expense of changing her character, reasonably enough.
In my late teens and early 20s I wanted a relationship but wasn't in one. I was so shy I was afraid to speak, and I was aware that it could make me a target for an abusive man, which made me extremely careful. Looking back, I'm glad I didn't meet anyone until later.

I guess all these are examples of people only wanting a relationship of a specific kind - they don't want to be single per se, but they'd rather be single and even occasionally sad about it than compromise.

@Hallywally agreed! I've come to the realisation that my situation is very common and I shouldn't blame myself. Also I think I just want sex to be honest, I struggle without that! I have someone safe I can call on to do that with. 👍

Sex is fun but I don’t think I would want the rest of it
And people criticise men who just want ‘hook ups’ but actually some women just want the same, no strings

if I suddenly became single at 52, no one would be throwing 30 year old men my way as though it were natural.

Don't bet on it. Despite my profile saying I want someone 50-60, I still get the odd guy in his late 20s or early 30s trying to connect. Goodness knows why - I am financially okay, but not rich (though they wouldn'tknow from my profile either way,) I am okay looking but not stunning, and they've not spoken to me to know anything about me. (I don't respond, so they still don't know.)

I also get over 60s, but that doesn't surprise me in the same way. They're just proving their reading comprehension is inadequate.

Oh if you ever try OLD in your 50’s you get lots of 20/30 somethings messaging telling you they prefer mature women.

You get both extremes - men young enough to be your son or old enough to be your father chancing their luck when you’re a reasonably presentable 50 something divorcee.

Yep, I get loads of men in their 20s interested but I don’t go there.

I'm married now, but I really enjoyed being single, I need a lot of space and solitude, so wasn't willing to give it up except for someone who understood that. Fortunately DH is a similar person so he does. We spend less time together than your average couple, and each have our own interests, but it works for us. Obviously all marriages require compromise, but neither of us could do the 'joined at the hip' type marriage, not that I'm decrying that - it just isn't right for us personally.

I'm pretty sure our parents thought/think that we don't really understand how to 'do marriage', though. 😂

I agree

I hope it's because the men out there are awful, as the alternative is that none of them want me, so ill go for the former as its more pleasant to come to terms with.

I’m married and can do all those things 🤷‍♀️

No…you’re single when you’re not in a relationship. If you’re married/in a relationship you’re part of a couple - ie. not single 😆

I’m not single because I’m married. I’m “coupled up”. You’re single because you’re unattached, whether you’re fucking loads of men or not. Having sex with numerous guys with no commitment doesn’t make you “not single” 🤣🤣

I got tired of men and their demands. I got tired of being someone’s cook, housekeeper, business advisor, therapist, sex bot, and built in loyal friend and in return treated badly.

I had enough therapy to learn that if I would never treat someone the way he treated me, I shouldn’t stick around and accept the way he treated me.

i am loving my life without a grown man acting like a baby expecting me to leap and take care of his many, many “emergencies”. Life is so peaceful without a man who was addicted to stress and strife.

What's wrong with being fussy when looking for a relationship? To me it seems like a time when you should be fussy and don't settle.
i did want a relationship but any women I knew who did online dating just met a string of absolutely awful men, the majority of whom seemed to think they were God's gift. it just put me off it.
Now I'm genuinely happy by myself. I have a very full life. I'm not looking for a relationship; unless it was a very special man I don't see what it could bring to my life.

@loveyoutothemoon I assume you meant those who want relationships but are single? With my friendship group, its probably 1. average looks combined with realising OLD doesn't work for them, 2. beautiful but very picky about culture/food/drink so slim pickings, 3. very pretty but always going for bad boy types

I've had a few longer term relationships because I've been a bit more open to them but i have found that I've been disappointed by the men I've met, and I'm now not sure it's worth it. Either Peter Pan types, or not over their exes, dope smokers, abusive, traumatic childhoods which mean emotionally unavailable, etc. So logically why would i keep giving my all and get these. I see lots of the parents at my school looking really together/happy and the common factor seems to be meeting younger. I'll certainly be encouraging my kids to date when younger.

I think people are very jaded by OLD these days post covid, so its really hard meeting people in their 40s!

This, really. For me it's a numbers game - IF there were plenty of appropriate, single men that I found interesting and might be interested in a relationship with me, I'd be dating. But there aren't: the number is few to zero. So I could waste my time, effort and money on a doomed search - or spend it on pleasing myself! No contest!