Why are people long term single?

[loveyoutothemoon]

So people that want a relationship and are single more often than not, is it more because they're difficult to get along with, insecure etc? Or could it be more down to luck?
I suppose I'm looking for personal experiences really.
For me it's fussiness and impatience and insecurity, which I'm having counselling for.

I would only share my time and resources with someone truly kind and loving, as soon as I find evidence to the contrary after the honeymoon is over, I split without a single backwards glance. Haven’t got time for crap if they’re not even a nice person.

So much this.

Incidentally I am in the early stages of dating someone new (who is not mediocre although we’re not very compatible), but he adds to my already fantastic life. If he ever veered into detracting from my life and disturbing my peace in any way, he would be GONE.

Protecting my peace in my number one priority.

Over the years, I have been in relationships, and single for varying periods of time. I was pretty much planning on just staying single as I had had the counter side of your collective experiences (I am a man, and had made poor selections). Then I met my wife in my 40s. She is undoubtedly the best thing to ever have happened to me. I can't work out whether it's no effort to have a happy relationship, or whether any effort seems effortless as the prize is bigger than the price. Either way, we have the type of relationship I would never have thought possible. It isn't without its ups and downs, mostly health related, but my only regret is that I didn't meet her sooner. Strangely, we frequented a lot of the same places when we were younger, but never met. I suppose the universe had its plan for us.

I realised today that I’m immensely privileged to be able to be single. It’s lush. So many people can’t afford it, and it’s the luxury option for women.

I've been single for about 10 years since my divorce. In my case it's because I've not met anyone in that time who wanted a relationship with me.

I’m not willing to cook, clean, pick up or mother anyone other than my own children. In my experience that massively reduces the dating pool!

Good job I like being single!

I'd love a relationship but am looking in rather a small pool being gay, and everyone I meet who might otherwise be in a suitable ballpark seems to flag up red flags.

Recent examples from the past year+:

Not managing basic life admin IT (can't book a flight online or download a file).
Jumping down my neck if I don't reply to a text within 30 mins (I hadn't even seen or read the text).
Getting insecure if I see friends.
Sleeps with their dog and needs a dog sitter to go on a 2-3 hour date.
Tells me they recently had a nervous breakdown, is very shaky and fragile. I fear I might break them!

Somehow needs rescuing in some way every time we meet.
20 minutes into a first date asks me if I want to see them again.
Declaration of love after 1 date.

I'm competent and stand on my own feet so I'd rather stay single than get into any of the above situations.

I sort of wish I'd come out earlier in life and then maybe I wouldn't be single in my mind 50's, but I'm not convinced the dating pool would have have been any healthier 20 years ago.

I do agree that I'm not anxious to take on the burden of a man. If he had his own job and house and so on that would be fine, but so often they require so much help just to function and I don't really want to do it. I don't want to cook and clean and pay for someone and listen to their emotional problems and facilitate their social life and organise their MOT. The mothering thing - I find it very unattractive.

It's funny because as a young woman I think I really enjoyed playing house in that way! I think it made me feel grown up? But as a real grown up, no thank you. I'd want an actual grown up and I'm not sure that many men are like that these days. Or rather, I don't think those men stay single for long!

I’m 50 now I’ve done my time trying to be a wife / partner , I’ve raised my 2 eldest and youngest by myself and I love living with just my dogs , cats and 13 year old.
i genuinely cannot stand the thought of trying to date anymore , I won’t ever live with a man ever again , and I’m happy with that I don’t feel the need , maybe it’s because I like my own company and that if the dogs and child so much I’m not lonely

I've had long relationships all my life and now I can't be arsed.

Plus, giant fibroids, ulcerative colitis and perimenopause are a passion killer 😆

I just can't be bothered dealing with any headfuckery.

I would love to be in love but I'm realistic. It's not going to happen at 53. The men my age want at least ten younger and I'm unlikely to meet anyone.

Unrealistic expectations.

Fat, balding, aging guy thinks he should be with a twenty year old supermodel. Refuses women his own age and pretty much harasses younger women with his creepy behaviour.

Single mum of three wants the kind of guy who whisks her off to Paris for a date not considering that type of guy wouldn't want someone with such different commitments and consequential lack of spontaneity.

Fussiness, not willing to put up with much, get the ick very easily, quite judgemental, not willing to put in the time / effort required to find someone and just can’t be bothered with relationships really, the cons outweigh the pros as far as I’m concerned and they are just not worth the effort also I like living on my own and doing what I choose with my free time

You are right, never really thought about it like that, I have my own house and earn my own money so not reliant on anybody and have no intention of ever doing so, won’t be supporting anyone either though

My friend has been single 5 years now which I know is not long long term but a decent chunk of time when she has been actively dating in that period. She has probably dated about 30 different men in that time and none of them has progressed beyond maybe 8 weeks or so. My friend is attractive, a good laugh, kind, has a good job and her own flat. There is no reason why any number of men wouldn’t want to be her partner.

In my opinion she just doesn’t really want to be in a relationship. If she wanted to be in one, she would be in one with one of these 30 odd men. But there is always something wrong with them - sometimes they seem like valid reasons, other times they seem kind of arbitrary but she is looking for a reason to bin them off.

So in answer to your question I think people are long term single because they don’t actually want to be in a relationship.

It's going to depend isn't it? There's a difference between those who have been in a relationship and are now divorced, maybe with children, and me, who has never lived with anyone, let alone married.

I am in my 50s, and had boyfriends, but also spent a lot of time single. I am quite self-sufficient in many ways, which may put dome off. I also know I'm fine on my own, so I'm not going to have a relationship just for the sake of it - they need to please me sexually and intellectually. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not hideous-looking, yet clearly there is something about me that means no one wanted to go out with me at school or uni. I was single for all of my 40s.

I go out and do things, I earn money. I look after myself and my home. I don't need anyone.

But I do sometimes need a hug.

A maladaptive attachment style.

Being single in my 20s and 30s I just hadn’t met anyone I could see a long term future with, but was told I was “fussy”. And? Why tf should you NOT be fussy about the person you spend all of your life with? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I met DH in my 40s and instantly he was someone I wanted to be around all the time. No fireworks or anything, just obvious on both sides. It’s not really a choice.

Oh I also think that when someone has been in a relationship, they expect someone that they are dating to feel as good as it felt in their old comfy relationship but it won’t - you have to put in the effort to get to know someone.

I am married and have known DH since I was 18 (now 32). If we split up I would never have a connection like I have with him with someone else right away, I would have to work at a connection with someone who is otherwise kind, funny, and interesting.

I don't want a relationship so might not be the type of person you wanted answers from, but after two lovely relationships I realised I was just much happier in every way single. So that's how I'm staying :)

My ex husband was horrible and an alcoholic my recent ex who is still messaging me constantly after said I'd be friends i found out was a cocaine addict. I've met some man online been out few times. But he is a very bad texter and setting up dates or suddenly working extra so I don't think he has time tbh to date.

Horrific divorce after years of being treated like shit. Never again. I’d rather be single than risk it.

I think regardless of what the original reason was that triggered the drought, the longer that one remains single then it sort of compounds the longevity because you get a little more set in your ways and more familiar with who you are, your boundaries and expectations the older you become/longer you’ve been single so when a man starts overstepping those you’re not afraid to kick him to the kerb and go back to your well established single life.

And I do think we women are better at this than the men, even when it’s clear the relationship is on life support it’s like I literally have to uncurl their fingers from me as they hang on for dear life. I think the longer we woman are single, the more confident we also become to go DNR when our basic needs aren’t being met 😅

Also for the older ones like me, there’s no ‘rush’ for anything like to have children (you’ve either got them already or that ship has sailed) or to get on the housing ladder (frequently you’ve made your own money and got a little home or a secure tenancy) so then there’s no other agenda other than to satisfy yourself - and that’s the hardest! Hence some of us circle about with dalliances here and there until we run out of dating steam altogether! (Or of course, find ‘the one’ 🙂).

I was married for 23 years and I’m still good friends with my ex H.
When we split I was terrified of being single and had 2 pretty crappy rebound relationships afterwards.

I wish I knew then what I know now that being single is very liberating and finding that inner peace with yourself is a gift.

I think the internet gave men porn and women the ability to communicate globally and realise that no, really, all men ARE like that. Or the majority at least.