Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Well it’s definitely an emotional affair - if it hasn’t turned physical. You have to confront him and tell him you know.

edited to say: prepare for the denial that is very likely to happen.

She’s telling him she was topless in a park and he said tell me more? There is definitely something going on there. I’m sorry but it does sound like they like each other, a lot.

Yeah, that's dodgy. Some of my colleagues are friends and go for walks/coffees at break with each other, in various combinations. But what they don't do is talk about being topless, or keep coffee breaks a secret. That's shady AF.

Sorry OP, it's not nice to see those messages. I think you should mention to him, hopefully it will bring him to his senses before anything else happens.

Confront him tonight

but think about do you want him to stay or sleep elsewhere?

He may have told her he’s seperated. I’d wait and gather more info or turn at their meeting, spy first then surprise them. He’s cheating.

Screenshot the whole conversation. Make sure he can't gaslight you.

So sorry x

Don't confront him yet , get more information as he will only deny anything serious happened..

So sorry OP. Looks like he told her he's a single parent to a son for her never to mention you. Or she knows and because of their affair they both act as if you don't exist. It's really hurtful and while some might get over this I think I would have a hard time moving forward after this. Definitely confront him. Take screenshots first of their conversation and all financial information. It's good to have on a rainy day.

Thanks everyone I just don’t know the best thing to do?

1. confront him tonight and have it out- tell him what I’ve seen and demand answers

2. sleep on it- maybe write down what I want to say and think about it more and talk more calmly tomorrow

3. leave it for now- see how it plays out- eg if he had this next meet up planned see what he gets up to? But maybe I won’t be able to get back on his teams again!

part of me feels this is already serious enough to consider telling him to leave at least temporarily as it feels so blatant

The topless comment implies he hasn't seen her naked, otherwise he wouldn't be saying 'tell me more', he'd be saying they look good etc, so i think this is early days.

It could just be attention-seeking, it could be emotions, you just don't know. I think this is salvageable if you confront him soonish.

Maybe wait, gather info, and go and see what they get up to on their meet.

to see if it’s friendly( still crossed boundaries) if there is kissing etc

then you have more evidence
than him deny it saying it’s just ‘friendly’

What ever you decide to do, make sure you get screenshots of everything so he can’t rewrite history. I’m sorry this is happening- so hurtful. As others have said, maybe you can interrupt this before it becomes physical and maybe he will realise what is at stake.

You’ve already seen enough to know that this isn’t OK. Unless you suspect there’s more happening on other platforms like WhatsApp, and you feel the need to check his phone (with or without asking), I think what you’ve already discovered is serious enough to take action.

If you’re ready, I’d suggest confronting him soon—before things have a chance to escalate. But it’s important to be clear about what you want to say. If you don’t feel ready tonight, or if he’s out drinking with friends, maybe sleep on it and give yourself space to prepare.

What he’s doing sounds like, at the very least, an emotional affair—and you have every right to ask him to acknowledge that, take responsibility, and stop immediately. No excuses, no denial, and no shifting the blame. Based on what you’ve seen, you’re well within your rights to ask him to leave for a while, until you decide if or when you’re ready to talk.

I would take this very seriously. He will try to downplay it, throw you some crumbs about not talking to her anymore and then get away with not changing a thing.

Seeing and talking to her is clearly the best part of his day. If he can, he will gaslight you and make you doubt yourself so he can continue having you looking after him at home while he gets his ego and maybe d*ck stroked at work. It will destroy you to watch him go to work everyday and not know what he is doing.

Best advice is to go nuclear. Kick him out and take time to process. If your relationship is as good as you think it is then he just made the biggest mistake of his life. Hold onto that. If after time apart he is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to build back your trust then you can consider reconciliation if that what you want. If not then stay strong.

Whatever happens now needs to be on your terms. Don’t show him your emotions right now, he doesn’t deserve them. Take control and tell him how this is going to go.

As PP have said confront him either tonight or tomorrow before things escalate further

Are you sure he is out with "Mates" tonight and not her?🙁

This

I’m not one of these women who could sit on information like that.

id me be messaging him and telling him you need him home now as something important has happened that you need to discuss.

I wouldn’t be too sure he is out with his mates either.

If he’s out drinking tonight I would leave it until tomorrow. Maybe ask to meet him for lunch somewhere public so it can’t escalate into an argument.

I wouldn’t reveal your hand straight out of the bat. Just say something along the lines of ‘I know you to be an honest man so I need you to tell me the truth. What is going on with X?’

Wait for him to give you an explanation. If he tries to be evasive tell him he has this one chance to be honest and give you full disclosure, after that you won’t be able to trust a word he tells you again.

Either his explanation will tally up with what you know or the inconsistencies will show you will never get the full truth from him. If you don’t have access to his phone ask for access then and there before he has time to delete. If he refuses then you tell him that is enough to know he has cheated.

Either way you tell him he has broken your trust and your heart and you need him to find somewhere else to stay until you have processed how you feel about it. Don’t ask for his excuses or the why. Don’t tell him what you know or how. Having him guess what you are thinking.

Im so sorry OP this is not nice and you don’t deserve it.

This must have been a terrible shock for you, but you have the upper hand here as you know what he’s doing and you know it’s wrong. Don’t minimise it, and whatever you do don’t let him minimise it. He is having an emotional affair, he emotionally invested in a woman you’ve hardly heard of but he is spending a significant amount of his mental energy on her, and planning to meet her in secret. The secrecy, the collusion, the sexual comments, no mention of you. It’s all completely inappropriate, and deeply disrespectful to you.
You need to confront him and kick him out - ideally tonight. Short sharp shock treatment might bring him to his senses and make him realise what he stands to loose. Only let him back in if he is absolutely remorseful, takes every step he can to rebuild trust and stops working with her.
Kicking him out might sound like a drastic end to a day that started off with you thinking you were in a faithful and committed relationship- but it will achieve one or two outcomes: he’ll realise what a cheating shit he’s been and make every effort to reconcile, or he won’t and he’ll run off with her. If he was going to throw your marriage and family away on this, then let him.
Do not play the pick me game. Make him fight for you, and if he won’t then you’ve already lost him.
Sending strength.

@GreenBiscuit25, your H is absolutely having an EA with this OW. They are in constant contact, are flirting and building intimacy, and share commonalities and mutual physical attraction. You are not mentioned, which you would be if this was a platonic friendship.

They are escalating to sneaking off from work for dates, and are finding gratification in planning and executing these covert adventures. As sexual energy has already been introduced via the topless/tell me more comments [and there will have been more in person], you can bet they will soon be sexting and enjoying some physical involvement on their outings.

This is not the behavior of a committed, monogamous man. He is making a fool of you — acting like a single guy with a new girlfriend.

I would go nuclear, @GreenBiscuit25. Don’t allow him to manipulate you with deflections, downplaying and blame shifting. My H would be experiencing the sharp shock of being kicked out for now, while I considered my options.

This is similar to how I found out. Even worse I had the OW contact me to reassure me they were just friends. Wanna know what happened. Two years thinking it was a blip and misunderstanding whilst my nervous system knew it was much more. He then left us abruptly and within two weeks was with her. The affair never ended.. it wasn’t friendship.

OP don’t show your hand unless you can follow through with what you want to do regardless of what he says. People are honest when they respect you his actions don’t show respect, he will lie.
He will say it’s just banter and play it down. An if you don’t buy that, that’s when they usually get angry and defensive and the issue will become how dare you for snooping.

Like others have said it’s not worth it. My ex was the same would talk about the weekend about our kids and the things we did together but with myself cut out the picture, unless it was a convo about bashing me.

What a lot of people don’t realise when they post these threads. Is that for affairs to start it often starts with bashing your other half to people, letting someone know they’re not happy, leaving the door open for anyone willing to listen and enter. It’s not just an ego stroke it’s a multitude of lies and secrecy, no doubt whilst showing you a smile whilst you hold the fort at home with the children and household chores. It’s usually the tip of the iceberg what you see or find. You won’t know what happens when he leaves the house and goes to work.

Like others have said he’s likely with her now.
sorry to be a downer it’s depressingly obvious half the time. Screenshot what you can so you don’t feel crazy when the gaslighting starts.

I wouldn’t be able to sit on this.

He is having an emotional affair and it’s only a matter of time before it turns physical.

Print off the messages and just sit in silence until he explains himself. Do not be fobbed off by “she’s just a friend”. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

He is putting your marriage in jeopardy. I would give him once chance to stop and cut all contact with her and if he can’t (or won’t) then I would be divorcing him. Do not settle for this shit.

This is clearly an affair, no question about it.

It depends what you want to happen? Confront him tonight after drinking and late is probably not a good idea but in the heat of the emotion, I couldn’t sit on it.