Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

@GreenBiscuit25, I too wouldn’t sit on this. Take action tonight or, if he comes in intoxicated, early tomorrow. Please don’t let it play out and risk their further deepening their connection.

He is making a mockery of you and your child, so he needs to feel the loss of you asap.

You poor thing. What’s your gut telling you to do?

I’m so so sorry. What an awful thing to uncover. I would also find it hard to sit on this. I would probably screen shot the messages that hurt the most and send them to him one after the other and tell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight. He’s ruined your evening, might as well ruin his.

This might not be the right thing to do but I would have to tell him immediately and I wouldn’t want him near me. He’ll probably still come home and want to explain but if you can, refuse to discuss it until tomorrow. Let him sober up and watch out for any gaslighting when you do talk. Listen to what he says about the messages and just let him talk. The less you say, the more he has to take ownership of it all.

You’ll probably be thinking about this already but as someone who witnessed the fall out of this type of thing as a kid, please protect your son from the arguing. If he can stay with family or have a sleepover with a good friend, you can have it out with your husband without your son having to go through it too.

Do not confront yet, if you do & he is having an affair. He will go to an extent to hide it further, you won’t be able discover anything else. Just sit tight, let it play out, observe quietly then gather all evidence. Once you have everything, then confront him. He will not be able to gas light because you have all the facts ! But If you approach him now, you will always be wondering what he was capable of you had waited.

I found myself in a very similar situation. It was flirty, it was covert and it was gathering speed. I was utterly blindsided.

I don't know if this is the best thing to do but it was what I did.

I went absolutely nuclear. This wasn't a strategy. I was fucking furious. I just thought fuck you for thinking it's ok to do this when we (like everyone else) have so much bloody shit to battle through in life. You are into a great thing with me and you are disrespecting me and us and our family. Get the fuck out, I've been loyal and faithful to you in every way. This shady behaviour does not need my standards. I don't need you and your shitty treatment, I'm fine on my own.

He knew I meant it. He did everything I asked; he messaged her in front of me saying I'd seen the messages and was upset. I wanted to see the response with no opportunity for them to have a private talk. Her response did reassure me that nothing had happened but that she was an attention seeking c* and he was delivering.

I told him to get out of our bedroom and to book a therapist. I said they were his only options or he was welcome to leave the house immediately.

She offered to speak to me to explain that nothing had happened between them and I was overreacting. I told her on the phone how maybe flirting, suggestive remarks etc was ok in her marriage but it certainly wasn't in mine and DH was well aware of this. I told her I found her pathetic and we would never be friends in any universe.

I am positive that DH never saw her again, he told her he understood why I was upset and that he had caused it.

He moved into the other room for a few months, we went to therapy and we moved on.

I'm not upset at all about it anymore but I know he came close to crossing a line of no return.

Do you know the location of this next hangout they have planned? If so, I'd either show up and watch/confront if needed or confront him tonight.

I’d do your option 3 if you can. Gather as much info/evidence as you can. Otherwise, he’ll likely gaslight you!

This ☝️. Don’t wait it out for weeks to see if you can get more. It will just drive you crazy and potentially he will cross a line you can’t forgive.

You don’t need to catch him in bed with her to leave the relationship. His disrespect and hurtful behaviour is enough to do irreparable damage. Confront him but don’t tell him what you have seen yet. For all you know he’s been out with her tonight, been messaging on WhatsApp etc. Like I said before just tell him you need him to be honest. Keep repeating ‘You know what you have done.’ See what he says then when you know you won’t get anything else go nuclear and kick him out.

If he wants to reconcile tell him to message her (and watch him do it) to tell her you have seen the messages and are upset, he knows he has crossed a line and will no longer meet for ‘coffee’. Get him therapy and take your time apart to decide whether you want to put the effort in to rebuild trust.

Of course confront. Life’s too short. I can’t imagine he will be honest though. So comes down to whether you want to stay with someone that’s like this

Send her a message saying keep your mitts off my husband. Remind her you have a child together. Then confront your husband when he gets home - it’s a betrayal.

I’m very hot headed with these things so I know I would screenshot everything and then immediately call him on video and tell him to get his ass home.

I’d probably reply from his account too to those messages so that she knows you know too.

They’re both playing you.

If you can bear it, 3.

But I'd dig more first, whatever you do and get all his pension details, savings, everything in case it all goes tits up.

He will only admit the bare minimum- remember this op.

@GreenBiscuit25 this is the time to really check in with yourself. I say this because when you eventually confront him, be prepared for him to minimise this, blame you for going on his laptop, denying and or dismissing it as nothing physical has happened.

Someone who wants to be honest and respect your feelings will be honest and take accountability.

So again, write down how you feel. and don’t let him twist it or make you think you’re being too much or unreasonable. You are justified in your anger and justified in how you want your husband to communicate with other women. It is a fair demand and you do not and SHOULD NOT ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOUR

Do not let him break you down, make you think this is small. You are allowed to have boundaries in your relationship. He may not like this, but only because he benefits.

But write everything down and let these be your non negotiables.

For instance, In a marriage this behaviour is wrong, inappropriate and unacceptable.

its wrong for a married man to be communicating to another woman in that way and so much.

Do not let him dismiss you and minimise your feelings

As someone who approached and communicated with a now ex dh who lied and behaved like an idiot. I would say I know it’s hard but take your time gather your evidence don’t let him lie to you. I would be tempted to bump into them at their next meeting.

Check messages on work phone too. Also emails from her in work email inbox. You've just seen some on the work messenger. There may be more.

You cant chat tonight Imo as ..

You have a child you wont want him woken, needs to be when he's not there

He'as out drinking

It will be late

It will go like this...it's the start of the SCRIPT...

He will be in shock you've been on his laptop
He will be mad that you could even think such a thing
He will deny
He will get angry and blame you
He will make you feel you've done something wrong
He will clear all evidence, secure passwords etc.

Best thing to do is GATHER YOUR EVIDENCE! Screen shots, go and spy on the next get together, get the evidence.

I wouldn't confront until you know what you want to do. You've seen the evidence.

He will make up excuses and apologise...perhaps minimise.

Are your prepared to forgive?

Gather your thoughts first. Too many people confront without thinking of their next move.

I would confront, and suggest he leaves for at least a few days while he thinks about what he wants out of a marriage, as what he seems to want is incompatible with being married for you.

I would go to their next meet up incognito and see for myself what the hell is going on. You DO NOT need the heartbreak of being gaslit & hoping & praying & listening to shit. Which he will do (and I totally understand you will desperately want to believe)
gather your evidence. Ducks in a row and get the truth for yourself.

He will deny anything is going on. He will say it's just banter, she is like one of the lads to him .

I would gather more information and then confront him

I’d sit on this until the day their meet up is planned. And then I’d ask after work ‘how’s XYZ’ you used to talk about her quite a bit, is she still working with you?

He should then respond telling you they went for lunch. But I think his reaction and answer will tell you a lot about who she is to him.

Hope you got screenshots OP so he can’t deny it later, or make out you’re crazy as it didn’t say that.

Not sure you can turn up at coffee meetings that’s a bit odd. Not sure if by saying something they go more underground either about it.

What an awful situation for you.

Have you suspected anything different about him? Have you not been getting on? I wonder if there has been signs or gut feel?

The awful thing is they have a way to remain secret, through work etc and ways to meet which enables an affair - be that physical or emotional. It is an emotional affair at the moment, whether it progresses through these catch ups I don’t know.

I really feel for you.

I am so sorry, it is a horrendous shock.

This is an affair. They’re also creating a narrative where you are not even mentioned. This is classic behaviour making you wallpaper in the background of their relationship.

I would not collect evidence, it seems like a boundary has been very clearly crossed. I would go full on nuclear and kick him out for a period of time to see if he can kick this need for pathetic ego kibbles and validation from this woman.

What a grim pair, you deserve so much better.

Hi all-

thanks again for your replies- I’m still wrapping my head around this and didn’t confront him last night- I did screenshot some of the messages and read them again.

shes a single parent to two kids and also about 10 years younger than him-

it does seem like all the communication is on work channels unless he’s deleting stuff from his phone as she’s not even a contact in there?
but it feels partly that’s how they are justifying this is it’s all during work time so is ok!
also the messages just really got to me- how often they are messaging, how much they know about each others lives, kids etc
little pet names for each other and he calls her mischief and a distraction and says after she made the topless comment he didn’t get any work done that day and it was all her fault!
she also leans into this- encouraging him and using lots of smilies etc!

I feel like I’m married to a 45 year old teenager with a secret crush, instant messaging and planning dates whilst i am holding the fort at home.

atill not sure what to do next, going to sit on it today and speak to my mum again. Thanks agaain to everyone who’s commented

Forgot to say- they also talked about setting up fake meetings to spend time together and blocking out diaries etc- calling each other top priority! WTF