Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

I think if you don’t confront it soon, then it’s heading down the path of a full blown affair, she knows he’s married and some women unfortunately don’t care, they only think of themselves and have no self respect.
personally I’d stop this in its tracks and tell him you know what’s going on and imagine if it was the other way round.
He stops this stupid little teenage crush now or he leaves , it’s disrespectful to you, the wake up call and abit of reality of what he’s doing may just be what he needs, he’s clearly enjoying the attention as most men would, but hit him with the harsh reality and he will soon realise he’s been a stupid man. It’s text book , it really is, I wish you luck.

@Lostinmyself

We are ok, however I do not trust him. Every day I have a feeling in my gut he’s hiding things from me

One of the most basic definition of an intimate partner for me is someone you feel you can trust. If you don't have that, then you may have something that resembles a partnership, but isn't really one.

Think about it - would you go into business with someone who you don't trust?

Most people say no, but they end up sharing their lives with someone they don't trust. I understand why people do it but find it sad.

it does seem like all the communication is on work channels unless he’s deleting stuff from his phone as she’s not even a contact in there?

Just to say @GreenBiscuit25 Don't take that on face value. I am speaking from experience as someone who had an affair (no, not proud of it, but stating the fact). We had each other saved in our phones as a totally different name and deleted all chat history on phones at the end of each day. We also used a gmail that was set up just for us to communicate on instead of messaging at times. Where there is a will, there's a way.

Agree. It’s quite easy to camouflage.

I would say to him I borrowed your laptop the other day and I saw the messages between you and OW, I think you need to explain them because if you had seen messages like that on my phone you would be jumping to conclusions that I was heading for an affair if not already invested.

Her number will be saved under something else in his phone.

Sorry OP

Tell him you checked for a recipe and accidentally uncovered somehting that has shocked you tothe core.
Ask him if he is still committed to the mariage.

In the discussion it is right for you to be honest and say that him having an emotional bond with another woman is not something you can live with.

I would communicate at a time when you are both relaxed and kid is in bed.

I think he is too far gone. Get your ducks in a row and sorry this has happened to you,

Why don't you just turn up at their next meet ups.

Refuse sex with him too. Cover a sanitary pad in red lippy and pretend you have been having a horrendous period for some time

@GiantSaucepan has given excellent advice. The longer this goes on the more damage will be done and the less likely your marriage is to survive. Act now. He needs to move out to give you time to think about whether you even want to stay married to him, and even if you do, he doesn’t need to know that yet. His reaction to the thought of losing you tells you a lot and he needs to stew and truly get a taste of the reality of being a divorced dad. Not having you, his family home, getting to see his children everyday, and financially too.
Nuclear is the only way to give this hormonal man-child the slap in the face he needs to wake up from his stupid fantasies. Show him what his life will become.
Personally, I’m not the kind to just nip something in the bud and hope another doesn’t grow, I’d throw weed killer on it too and then salt the earth for good measure. I would even go so far as to get him to produce his pension statements, bank statements, even get some estate agents round for valuations and provide him with the cold, hard figures of what a divorce is likely to cost him. Good luck swanning off into the sunset with this woman and her TWO additional children with half of your financial assets…. Do all of this away from the children of course. They can’t know or suspect anything whilst nothing has been decided.
You can evaluate what it would take for you to stay married to him and rebuild trust later if you decide that’s what you want, and more importantly, when he finally wakes up from his dopamine trip. Any discussions about why is actions are so deplorable and how wrong he is and how much work he needs to do to salvage your marriage will be like trying to argue with a conspiracy theorist if he’s still in his delusional fantasy land, minimising and gaslighting. You know what you’ve seen and how it’s made you feel.
You’ve got to burst that bubble of his totally and completely if your marriage stands any chance.

Agree with @GiantSaucepan and @Nodlikeyouwerelistening

This is the best way to go. You will keep your dignity and if he values your relationship it gives you a chance at reconciliation that could actually work.

You need to be prepared to walk away. It’s the only way you will respect yourself in the end and the only way he will know that his relationship is at the edge of a cliff because of his own behaviour.

I also agree with @GiantSaucepan It's great advice. Having been in a similar situation, with hindsight what I would do is put my foot down hard and quickly. But not screaming and shouting, calmly but like you mean business. The longer you sit on it the worse it gets and harder to bring up.

Yep - I will go for coffee woth my male collegues but definitely not being flirty. I would never message them out of office hours and always ask how their wife is doing.
OP, just take a picture and tell him when he is back. Tell him to pack and leave. There will be no end to this If you forgive him.

Before you say anything, I'd test the water and see how invested he still is in your marriage with you.

Suggest something nice for you or family to do, a date night or a break away and see his level of interest/excitement about that.

It will give you an idea of how much of his head is still in this marriage. If he brushes you off or appears uninterested, then you know the problems run a bit deeper than you may have thought.

There is still time (hopefully) to derail this little fantasy of his, that's if you want to.

Either way it will require his focus to turn back onto you and your children.

Hope he is remorseful, sees the error of his ways and shuts that whole thing down entirely.

I agree that @GiantSaucepan approach is the best, especially this:"“What do you need to tell me about your relationship with Sheila at work?” which sets the tone for you in a position of strength and builds from there, rather than the position you feel in, being blindsided by this. I'd take her advice. Good luck OP.

It's not an affair and it's not worth splitting a marriage with a 6yo child involved for it.

However, it's not really on so he needs to tone it down with her. How you achieve that, I don't know.

It's an emotional affair, if not more than that. He is totally invested in another woman who works with him and who he will see and speak to every day.

There is another active thread on this board at the moment posted by someone whose husband had an affair with a work colleague. As they still work together, she has found out that he has cheated on her again. As she won't end the marriage, he knows that he can keep doing this as she will never leave. She is deeply unhappy.

As OP's DH seems to have checked out of the marriage, it would be entirely reasonable for OP to ask him to leave.

If she wants the marriage over, great, that's her choice, she doesnt need a reason. If he's checked out of the marriage he can end it, that's his choice. ( I doubt he has.)

However, as things stand, everything is good except he's been flirty with a colleague. As far as we know he hasn't done anything. I really wouldn't be trashing the marriage over that.

He might cheat in future but so might the OP's next bloke and he won't have the added commitment of being the child's father to keep him on the straight and narrow.

I'd probably confront her directly there in that moment in the chat and tell her in very crude and direct words to get lost and leave my husband alone or I'll make her life hell. And then I'd have a chat with my husband. He wouldn't be able to deny it then either.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour are you male by any chance?

Thanks again everyone- I’ve read uk a lot on emotional affairs today- lots of people say they are worse than physical affairs- however at this stage I don’t know how far they’ve gone a it definitely is flirty and suggestive chat they have, not just emotional support etc. it may well have become physical even if they haven’t had sex yet- some of the messages are just so close to the bone.

I will raise it with him tonight- I will ask for honesty from him and explain everything I know so far- I just can’t go on like this. I don’t earn much right now so can’t even contemplate managing on my own, rent is so expensive close to school etc. but this is eating me alive the wondering what’s going on the whole time.

it’s so hard for us to get proper time together- and it feels like instead of trying to prioritise that he’s just found a younger model he can spoil, buy drinks for and plan special outings. I don’t know if that’s enough to end a marriage over but I know I can’t just go on accepting it either

Please don’t explain wot u know. He will then hold the power….

tell him to tell u everything, total honestly no lies. And then stay silent, let him do the talking

What a horrible thing to have uncovered. I hope you get the reaction that you want and deserve from him but don't be surprised if he gets defensive and blames you.

Plus, who sunbathes topless in a park?? Is this a thing now?

It’s very illegal. Indecent exposure…

she likely hasn’t, just attention seeking from a married man. Vile woman

I would caution you against this as an opening gambit ‘explain everything I know so far’. There may be more you don’t know about and if you tell him everything you know, you won’t find out what you don’t as he’ll have no need to tell you. I also wouldn’t tell him you’ve checked his messages - it’ll become about you being in the wrong, not what he’s been doing and it’s hard to turn that around. Believe me.

You don’t need to break up by kicking out and asking for space. You just need to get him to realise what he’s set to loose.

He sounds gross.

Echo advice to keep your cards close to your chest. His reaction will tell
you a lot. Prepare for him to blow up, storm out or tell you off for invading his privacy.