Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

What do you want to ask me? You can pm
me if you like, really don’t mind. Let me know what you need help with and I’ll try. I won’t put a spin on anything or just tell you what you want to hear, or sugar coat the rough stuff, that’s no help to anyone, but I will gently tell you the truth and support you if I can.

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend read this book. I wish I'd read it when mine first cheated (and I was fed the narrative that it must have been because I wasn't good enough').
https://amzn.eu/d/0Cf0ChC

It slowly kills you from the inside out spiritually. I also wish Chump Lady and this book had been around when mine first cheated (and I forgave and he wriggled out of any culpability). 1st affair was after 7 years together (our son was 3) and he learnt that I would forgive...,.,so he had another and another. Often several years inbetween each one but the final one killed me for good and I ended it. We were together 37 years and I found a whole new woman inside myself once I called it for good.

I was his safe place, his comfort etc etc and now I'm no longer burdened with that; I found myself. The feelings of low self esteem and 'not being good enough' have all gone but I never knew they were part of my psych, how they subtly affected me in so many ways then, whoosh! all gone.

I hope you are ok @GreenBiscuit25, you appear to be handling this so well. One day your husband will realise what a fool he has been.

@GreenBiscuit25 , how are you doing OP ?

If there hasnt been anything physical yet, and he agrees to change jobs and cut all contact with the female collegaue and gives notice at work to change jobs - would you consider giving him another chance for the sake of the kids ....the last meeting for closure is almost an inevitable mistake ......he should have known better i agree

How u doing op x

I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say we need updates for a while because WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! Buzzing for you to get your life back together and to find your joy again. YOU GO GLEN COCO

I’m so sorry OP. 🤗 You have him a chance to fight for your marriage and he went on a date with OW! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@GreenBiscuit25 Been think of you. Hope you are ok. How is life right now? Have you ended your marriage or are you working on things?

I was thinking of you too, @GreenBiscuit25. I hope you found peace.

@GreenBiscuit25 do not do any questioning whilst he has drink in him, it could blow up if you are right and he feels guilty as it is some sort of affair. It could then escalate to him saying he will sleep at his mates until you calm down (gives him time to get his story together) which he may do, or he may ring her and she offers her shoulder to cry on and the rest of her body to sleep on. Wait until he is sober. Sorry if it is true.