Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

He will deny, minimise and gaslight you, but you know what you've read.
And regardless of physical or emotional affair per se, what you say here:
"it’s so hard for us to get proper time together- and it feels like instead of trying to prioritise that he’s just found a younger model he can spoil, buy drinks for and plan special outings"
is such a hard pill to swallow. I know too well how hard having young children and full time jobs can be on relationships, if my partner was putting all that effort into someone else, I'd feel it as a betrayal. 😔😔😔

Do not tell him what you know.

Ask him what he needs to tell you about <other woman’s name> and then be silent.

Let him tell you. If he thinks this is all you know, then it’s all he will admit to even if there is more.

And tell you you are insecure or distrustful or possessive or controlling or jealous… 🙄

"it's so hard for us to get proper time together- and it feels like instead of trying to prioritise that he’s just found a younger model he can spoil, buy drinks for and plan special outings. I don’t know if that’s enough to end a marriage over but I know I can’t just go on accepting it either"

@GreenBiscuit25
The above behaviour is what does kill a marriage when things are tough (general family life etc). He takes his energy elsewhere and any desire between you both disappears so almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

I will ask for honesty from him and explain everything I know so far

I really, really wouldn't recommend this. Your power currently exists in the facts that a) he doesn't know what you know and b) he doesn't know how you know it. Do NOT reveal to him how you know. For all he knows, Alice told you herself. If he badgers you about it have a repeatable line prepared such as, "We are not discussing how I know about your cheating, we are discussing your cheating."

I would suggest you say to him calmly, "I know about you and Alice. You have one chance now to come clean and tell me absolutely everything. If I discover that you continue lying at this point I will find this much harder to come back from. Tell me what's been going on between you." Then stay silent. Prepare for him to keep lying, fling accusations at you, play the victim etc.

He will probably deny that anything inappropriate has happened at all,.so then you can ask him if he's set up meetings with her during work hours, if they've been considering arranging fake meetings to cover up their affair, if she's been telling him about being topless and if he's responded to that. You will easily be able to catch him in multiple lies.

Cheaters are motivated by loss. He needs to understand that he is risking you, his marriage and his family. I would ask him to pack a bag and leave for a few days to give you some space to think. I suspect you're correct that he's investing in his relationship with her whilst neglecting his relationship with you. It's very common for cheaters to rewrite history and say things like "our relationship was practically over" when what actually happened is their head got turned and then they killed their marriage themselves.

You may end up deciding that you don't want him to move back in. Don't do the pick me dance, he needs to work for you to pick him. If he picks her you don't want him anyway. Have you had a look on the ChumpLady website? I would also make sure you have proof of all financial assets and get your ducks in a row. It's no good saying he'd never try to fleece you, I imagine you never thought he'd be talking to another woman about her breasts either.

OP this is really solid advice on how to approach the conversation.

Another one just to say hold your cards close to your chest.

Agree with pp. You can show him the evidence eventually but don’t do that until he has lied to your face. Once he’s been caught in a lie it’s harder to dismiss as ‘just friends’ or ‘flirty banter’. It shifts the narrative to his deceit and he has been deceitful.

You have found out a bit of who he really is. A man who is flattered by attention and wants his ego stroked. However you will find out more by how he deals with your confrontation. Will he see that he has been stupid and risked something of value for his own ego and take responsibility or will he double down, minimise and dismiss what he did and your feelings? I hope it’s the former but you need to be prepared for the latter.

You can’t forgive a man who doesn’t ask for forgiveness.

Good luck tonight.

little pet names for each other and he calls her mischief and a distraction and says after she made the topless comment he didn’t get any work done that day and it was all her fault!
she also leans into this- encouraging him and using lots of smilies etc

This is appalling OP. I’m so sorry. This betrayal and humiliation would be the end of the road for me.

I’m also going to highlight this for you @GreenBiscuit25. It’s really good advice.

You poor thing, great advice on this thread though.

You have a lot of power right know so use it wisely and good luck.

Gosh this is absolutely unacceptable . when you confront him ask him if he would be ok with you sending these messages to a male colleague, talking about being topless etc. any time he tries to minimise just ask “so you’d be ok for me to do this then?” And also agree that you should demand he message her in front of you shutting the whole thing down, make him leave the house and tell him absolutely no chance of coming back unless and until he books therapy as you absolutely won’t accept any repeat of this.. good luck op. X

Emotional affairs are definitely worse than physical affairs. Sex on its own is just sex, but when emotions and close bonds are involved, it goes so much deeper and it’s far, far harder to break away from and to get someone to stop. It looks like he may need to look for a new job if that’s the case.

Also transfer any funds out of joint account to let him know you mean business !!

This.

Don’t tell him what you know, he needs to tell you.

personally I’d be showing him the messages you saw and get him to explain what’s going on.

im sure he wouldn’t be too impressed if he found messages like this between you and a male colleague.

good luck

Unless there’s some way he can tell that those messages have been read then I would sit him down and ask him to tell you what’s going on with ow, tell him you already know everything so there’s no point lying .

If I was that man, I might say ‘she’s just a friend, harmless banter, she’s having a rough time and needs a friend, you’re making it something it isn’t. Really there’s no need to overreact, I’ve done nothing wrong so there’s no need for any of us to do anything different. What do you think you know? What have you seen, heard? ‘.
When you press more I’d just deny more. If you asked me to leave I’d call her as soon as I was out of the door. If I went to her then I’d tell myself and everyone else it was your fault, it was all innocent until you overreacted.

@GreenBiscuit25, I would use @GiantSaucepan‘s excellent suggestions above.

It would be very unwise to let on what you know. Keep the upper hand and tell him to explain his and OW’s relationship. Then follow the above advice.

He is cheating on you, @GreenBiscuit25. He is obsessed by and enchanted with his new girlfriend. Your revealing update re their intense level of contact and intimate knowledge of each other’s lives, his day-long reaction to her topless comment, and their pet names, ‘top priority calls’, and clandestine plans to set up fake meetings — it’s all reprehensible and unacceptable.

Another feature of his devious subterfuge: OW will be in his contacts under a fake name or he has a second phone.

He has opened a wide door to OW and is super invested in their adventure and the feelings it engenders. As I previously said, the only thing that might shake him out of his obsession is to feel the loss of you. It’s the only way. Stand your ground and show him the door. Do not allow him to gaslight you with anger, denial, downplaying, blame shifting, or rewriting history.

Sending you strength and solidarity, @GreenBiscuit25.

I agree- please never tell him how you found out. Just say her name, tell him you know, and let him talk.

Don't allow him to turn the conversation into how you found out. Keep saying that's not relevant.

I am very sorry you read all the grim evidence. But better to know than being in the dark.
This is going to be tough OP, but you will go through it.

@GreenBiscuit25 how are you? We're all thinking of you 🩷

I agree with others that it is very important that you don't reveal what you know. Aside from what lines have or haven't been crossed, this is your rare chance to get some idea of how willing he is to lie to you, which is of huge importance in deciding how to move forward. Good luck, I really feel for you.

DON’T tell him what you know or how you know it. He WILL gaslight you. Stop and be rational as hard as that is right now.

Hope ur ok @GreenBiscuit25

This is also true of these situations. You’ll either shock him into realising what he could lose and make him stop his bullshit with ow or push him towards her. However if the latter happens it was going to happen anyway regardless, and you deserve better than a cheating bastard.

Sounds a bit odd but I wonder if you could shock him back into focussing on you? Start making tiny hints about a guy at your work and giggling or whatever, to see how he responds? If he gets angry or suspicious you could reveal what you know but it might remind him that while he’s out chasing burgers he’s left his steak at home unattended