Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Yes this bit of a subsequent post really stuck out to me too.

Its a step further than anything in the op and makes a me feel it might be more than I originally thought.

I wouldn’t bother doing this. It’s a game for young teens, not married people with children.

Firstly, if his mind is preoccupied with another dynamic he may not really even notice the comments, which wastes weeks of time op could be grappling with the issue, rather than acting out a non-issue.

Secondly, it may actually be a relief for him if he’s feeling at all guilty.

Thirdly, it muddies the waters when op does confront him. She is better to have acted well throughout and not to pretend otherwise.

Thanks again everyone your advice means a lot- I’ve decided to take a few days ro think this through and decide when to raise it and how I do it- I’m definitely leaning towards just asking him- saying I know about them and see what he reveals- for now I can keep an eye on their work messages- I know this isn’t ideal snooping but since he doesn’t know at least it gives me an insight into what’s happening to build a better understanding of how far this has gone or might go- for this week the messages have been a bit more low key- talking about the weekend- kids etc- she’s been unwell this week and he’s been checking in with her- to be fair one of the things that drew me to him originally was how attentive and thoughtful he is- just sucks someone else is getting that too- even if it’s not flirty the messages annoy me especially knowing what they have been like- will keep you all posted on how the next couple of days go :)

I wouldn’t feel bad about the snooping op. He’s your DH; you didn’t set out to do so and he shouldn’t HAVE things that he isn’t unconcerned to have snooped unless he works in a confidential role.

this is about protecting your life, your health, your finances. He has grossly violated your trust. Don’t feel guilty about this or think that your trying to figure out what is going on negates or is on par with what he is doing. Wishing your strength and peace.

Watching and waiting is a good idea.

Don’t worry about snooping - he lost his rights the moment he crossed boundaries.

I agree with everyone.
He is the innapropiate one dont worry about the snooping, its necessary. It's a good idea to wait and gather more information/ extent of what's going on.
I hope you are OK OP. You are not just smart but also a very thoughtful person. xx

Use this time to quietly get yourself into a position of strength. Book a free 30-minute session with a solicitor to understand how a split might affect assets, custody, and child maintenance (e.g. in a 60/40 arrangement). Check what benefits or support you might be entitled to using an online calculator. Gather and copy all important documents- properties, savings, assets, tax returns, salary details etc etc. Get those ducks lined up.

Start thinking about your long-term independence / increasing your income. What your support network might need to look like if you were by yourself. What your housing could look like.

You need to protect yourself now -treat this as a wake up call. He could leave you for her, or you may not be able to get past this. Even if you stay together and work things out, don’t do it because you think you have no other choice.

So he left his work laptop at home today and more messages have been popping up between them.

he keeps checking with with her asking how she is, if she’s getting looked after etc (definitely more attentive than when I’m ill!)

she complimented his dress sense talking about how he always picks the perfect shirt and blazer combo

They have been discussing planning something special for when they both are done with their stressful work things- they’ve mentioned going for lunch together, a picnic etc

im just done in- he’s literally taking her for dates at this point! Going to have it out tonight

Yes. He IS “dating” her, in all but name—the constant check-ins and coffees/lunches.

Yeah enough is enough. But I’m glad ur seeing it in real time and there’s no denying what’s going on. What a prick

This is horrible and so unfair on you, thinking of you. You sound lovely and don't deserve this, he's an idiot.
Although you're hurting stay strong and believe in a positive future without him, he's being unfaithful and weak.

I think you’re realising just how damaging emotional affairs can be, even if they haven’t (to your knowledge) crossed that physical line.

You say that he’s being more caring to her when she’s ill than he is to you and he’s planning romantic outings and dates with her. Essentially the time, effort and energy he should be putting into your marriage, he’s ploughing into his relationship with someone else, to your detriment.

He’s not watering your “relationship plant” and instead is choosing to watch it wither and die, whilst he waters and fertilises the “emotional affair plant”.

Ugh how awful for you. You're worth so much more than this and I hope you see that. X

I would have a bag packed for him when he gets home.

Tell him you need to have a discussion and let him see the bag. Ask him to explain what is going on with X. Then just wait. He’ll deny, gaslight, throw accusations but just stay calm. All you respond is ‘I know but I need to hear it from you. This is the one chance you get to be truthful.’

Whatever is said you need to ask him to stay somewhere else tonight. If you can organise somewhere for him to stay like a hotel or his parents it will show you are serious.

Has he been in touch with you much today? What’s his behaviour been like towards you? Have you noticed a change in his attitude to and your marriage since this ramped up?

It’s hurtful and totally unacceptable.

@GreenBiscuit25 i think @GiantSaucepan has nailed it 💯. Follow her script tonight.

I would sending him messages like, do you fancy doing something special at the weekend, we could a picnic, or should i meet you for lunch, you could wear that shirt and blazer i love

He's absolutely taking the piss, hope you are ok and goes ok tonight - don't take no shit from him

Agreed.

@GreenBiscuit25 I’d ask him if he fancies planning a date with you.. maybe a picnic… compliment him on how sexy he looks in that shirt and jacket combo.. see if he starts to go pale and a funny green colour.

My method of checking if I’m over reacting is - would he do the same with a man.
Would I feel the same (insecurities etc) if he was talking to a man like this.
It’s different because he’s taking it beyond workplace friendliness and into emotional relationship areas.

never mentioning each other’s significant others etc. weird. When someone asks me my plans for the weekend my answers will include my children AND partner. The person I live with etc.

Its like you’ve been nearly erased and sanitised from the type of relationship he has with her.

and that’s what i find dangerous.. because once they start pretending significant others don’t exist - it’s easier for some to move onto the next step. Physical affairs.

I have a sad thought here in thinking he’s left his laptop in plain sight as he doesn’t have the balls to directly come clean with you.
I am with @GreenBiscuit25 all the way. Please follow her advice and keep strong x

This is a horrible situation, I am going through the exact same right now, you definitely need to play your cards close to your chest regarding what you know, as if your husband is anything like mine, everything will be completely denied, you will be gaslit and made to feel guilty for even asking unless you have hard evidence. I really feel for you.

This is awful you sound so reasonable and nice definitely sounds like he's invested in this other female sorry to say. Maybe get your ducks in a row. Total betrayal of trust good luck x

You'll feel so much better when it's all out in the open, whatever the outcome. Holding on to things like this can make you ill, physically + mentally. I made the mistake of waiting weeks until after a family holiday to tell ExH I knew what was going on, as I knew it would be our last one. It was a horrible time for me.
Good luck for tonight, you've got loads of MN ladies rooting for you, stay strong...