Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

If your DH works for a well know company, they will have a hotline at work. You could anonymously call it in & let HR deal with it. Sure they’d be interested in his activities during work time…

Those messages are beyond inappropriate and the longer you let this go on, the more they’ll bond. They're quite literally planning to move on to physical.

I imagine he wouldn’t act like this with any other work ‘friends’ secret rendezvous with Keith from accounts, I think not. Totally inappropriate emotional affair going on here. When is this next meet up happening? I’m not sure I’d have the balls to turn up myself but do you have any friends he wouldn’t recognise who could pop in to which ever cafe or wherever they are meeting ?

Just read your update from this morning.

Gosh Op, I would be utterly devastated reading messages like that. He’s clearly smitten. Crossing that emotional boundary is sickening.

I think advice you’ve had to take a breath and figure out what YOU want out of this is the best way to approach it. That way, when you confront, you hold the power and he can’t minimise and talk his out of it.

If not already, it’s only a matter of time before this steps into physical affair territory.

Stupid stupid fucking man.

I’ve been in the same situation with my DH. I tried to hold it in and gather more evidence and it ate me alive.

I ended up going nuclear one night with absolute no warning, I myself didn’t know it was happening and it was ugly. I was sobbing, shouting. It wasn’t pretty at all.

He then got defensive for me reading his private conversations and changed passwords on everything so I had no more access. He did take accountability for wot I had seen but not a single bit more and as I didn’t have anymore evidence I eventually left it. We are ok, however I do not trust him. Every day I have a feeling in my gut he’s hiding things from me.

He recently claimed “low libido” and there is next to no physical connection between us. But he is still searching for women from our local area on Facebook and watching porn when I’m out the house.

Please don’t accept this for you or your son. I will keep u in my thoughts and hope this gets resolved. You do not deserve this! ❤️

I’d be amazed if she wasn’t on his phone contacts. Maybe using fake name? If they haven’t crossed the line physically then they sure have emotionally- when you confront him he will deny there’s anything inappropriate, of course. He’ll probably say he’ll stop all of it : But the reality is I can’t see this finishing unless one of them finds a job somewhere else.

Agreed.

In this case I’d try to stop it in its tracks rather than “ducks in a row.”

For me, trying to keep this to myself would eat me alive. Plus, DH knows me so well, he’d take one look at my face and know something was very wrong. Personally, I would confront him, calmly as I could. Explain what I’d seen and tell him how I felt and see what his reaction was.
It doesn’t sound like it’s crossed into physical yet but he is so far out of fucking line it’s unreal. He’s justifying it to himself so I would expect to hear some of those (utterly farcical) justifications when you confront him. I would I ask him to honestly consider how HE would feel if you were messaging some other bloke asking him to tell you more about his cock??

@GreenBiscuit25 It's hard but try to act normal and eat, you probably feel sick to the core but keep your health in check.

I've been thinking about it from your messages and what you've seen. Ive worked with male colleagues where chat gets a bit ott and I think with your DH it's more of a work friendship that's crossed the line a tad.

He's flattered, she's probably a bit lonely, single mum on her own and it's just gone a bit out of sorts. They may have things in common and get on with each other and it's been mistaken for something else.

You will go through lots of emotions...at the moment, heartbroken, hurt, feeling sick to your stomach. Anger and rage is the next stage but I dont think you're there.

I dont see the point asking him to leave...it disrupts your life even more, your child may pick up on it, IF it is sn affair you willbe giving him free access but I dont think it is.

I would set a day when you and him are in the home on your own, your son should not be there and say I need to speak with you, dont beat about the bush, in a calm way say...

I need to say this and I dont want you to interrupt me. Ive seen quite by accident messages between you and X which feel inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable. I know you've met up for coffee, have spoken about arranging fake meetings commented on her being topless. Are you having an affair? Is this a work friendship that's crossed the line?

Also I get you need to speak to your Mum but she will be angry Im.sure. You will need to do what you feel is right.

As a pp says, it's never secret rendezvous with Keith from accounts is it? Don't let him gaslight you with "she's just a colleague........"

He's such a fucking walking cliche, drooling over a woman 10 years younger and flirt messaging like a teen. He needs to know how ridiculous he's become.

You don’t need more evidence — what you’ve seen already is enough. The topless comment alone crosses a clear line and indicates he’s thinking about her physically as well as emotionally. I would be beyond hurt.

When you confront him you can start by saying:
“What do you need to tell me about your relationship with Sheila at work?”
This gives him a chance to be honest. If he minimises it or brushes it off, follow with:
“I’m aware there’s much more to this. I’ve seen the evidence and I know you’ve been meeting in secret. Whether you call it cheating or not, from where I stand, it is. You are cheating and I will not accept it.” (I wouldn’t mention you’ve seen the messages by looking on his device - it’ll only then become the focus of you invading his privacy. Keep him guessing - someone at work might have told you or seen them together)

Don’t wait for this to escalate further and see if they meet - this needs nipping in the bud now. It’s highly unlikely he’ll stop on his own — he hasn’t so far. The longer it goes on, the more damage it will do, and the harder it will be to rebuild anything.

I would say:
“If this continues, your actions will destroy this family. I’ve lost all trust and respect for you and I don’t know if I can get that back. You are not who I thought you were. I’m not threatening you — I’m being honest about what your actions have done to this relationship’

Then, set your expectations clearly. Tell him to leave and give you space to decide whether you can continue in the relationship- this is critical.
I would say ‘I’m deciding whether I can stay in this relationship, and I need you to find somewhere else to stay now.”
If he refuses, then you leave - can you go and stay with your mum?

If he truly wants to repair this, it has to start with:

• Full accountability — no excuses, no blame-shifting. I would want to see him call her infront of you and say ‘I’m married, I love my wife and my marriage is my family is my number 1 priority. Our relationship is becoming inappropriate and I do not want to jeopardise my family therefore our contact needs to be strictly work only - please stop any communication outside of this’.
• He then needs to avoid work contact with her and if he can’t, he needs to find a new job.
• Full transparency — including access to his work devices and communications.
• Genuine remorse — not just regret for being caught, but real understanding of the hurt he’s caused and that it was wrong. If he claims it’s nothing ask him ‘how would you feel if I had an intense friendship at work with a man you knew nothing about, that I was sharing details of my life with but I didn’t mention you. And I made sexual comments about thinking about his dick all day’
• A commitment to couples therapy to work through the trust and emotional damage.

If you settle for less than full accountability, remorse and actions now, it’s likely to repeat or go underground. But you need to be absolutely prepared to walk away now if he doesn’t step up.
💛

'We are ok' - well you aren't are you! You also deserve way better than this.

Yeah, you are right. I’m not. But I dropped it with him, but it’s just not the same.

I hope for better for the OP

OP, don't think because you've not found anything on his phone that there isn't anything. My ex had a second secret phone he kept at work.

And he used a hidden app on his phone at home to message her.

Screenshot every message you want to keep as he'll delete them the second he know you know.

Are you ever going to be able to trust him again?

It's hard to boot them out when you love them and I didn't do it either. But I so wish I had now!!

Take care. He's a shit and you deserve better.

I think I'd let him know I know without been direct. I'd start a conversation along the lines of " I saw something interesting online the other day about the rise of emotional affairs, particularly in the workplace. It seems men amd women arrange walks, coffee amd stuff during work time playing it off as meetings - can you imagine the mischief that could cause for peoples relationships?" See what he says......

I would definitely go nuclear. Everyday I'm surprised about how chill some people can be in these situations. It might not be a full blown affair yet... but it's heading there. I'd leave him over the comment he made in regards to her being "topless" but that's just me. If you think you have something salvageable then you need to confront him ASAP. But then again, will you be able to trust him if he says he's cut all contact etc with her? They are colleagues, so he's still see her.

My ex did this with a younger woman.
It absolutely ate me alive, destroyed my trust, destroyed me. He passed it off as 'banter' and accused ME of being jealous, prying on his phone etc.
He then did other stuff like checking out women online, telling me 'all men do it ' etc.
I ended up a shadow of my former self, screwed up with suspicion and mistrust, expending energy checking up on him etc.
I've had 18 months therapy and I'm now in an amazingly strong position, I finished the relationship 3 months ago and I'm rebuilding my life.
It all nearly destroyed me and all he could say is 'how would you have been if I'd actually HAD an affair?"
He's now feeling very sorry for himself and doesn't seem to have had any luck with all these younger women he's been chasing.
He killed the love with his weakness.
Don't let him try to minimise what he's done, a loving relationship should never include someone giving attention to another person. He's disgusting and pathetic and is completely disrespecting you. Stay strong x

I’d go nuclear OP. It’s completely unacceptable behaviour from the both of them.

If you want to give him a chance that’s up to you but I wouldn’t, he’s crossed the border into ‘can never trust him again’ territory now.

I’d also send the messages of them planning to set up fake meetings on work time to their managers but I’m a bit scorched earth like that (and I get you might want him to actually keep his job if you possibly split and he has to pay maintenance).

This is really good advice.
Don't give him any power to dismiss what he's done.

Make him tell you what he's been doing. Tell him you know, but not how you know, and it will unsettle his grubby little lies

Wishing you power and strength ❤️

Unfortunately, this is what EA do to people. It makes them feel like teenagers so they start acting like them! The dopamine high is like a drug and once you get started it’s hard to stop.

You have the added problem of them working together which will still be the case if all comes out and he cuts contact.

EA can be more damaging than some physical ones as they are sharing everything with their affair partner and not you.

Only you can decide what you want to do

Why are you accepting this?

I don’t want to piggyback on the back of the OP post. I’ve got low confidence, I do love him and basically thought I would rather stay and hope it doesn’t happen again, than lose him

Ugh, my ExH did this - he actually lost his job over it and of course me...

Be careful - he will minimise and say it's you with the problem as you don't trust him, but if it's not already an affair he needs to walk away from it now and concentrate on what matters.

Good luck!

the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more

Jesus. That would be it for me. Game over.

This and his other behaviour suggests there's something that's already going on.

I'm sorry OP. It's just shit.

Don't hurry to do anything right now. You don't owe him honesty. I recommend you screenshot everything and send it to yourself though - if you see something shocking, you could start questioning what you've seen and you'll need to see it again in black & white. Also, the screenshots will be useful in case he gets any mad ideas of twisting it around to make it look like something it's not.

Don't have sex with him. Just make an excuse regarding your health or thrush or something. He might be suspicious but would you really want to have sex with him now with this on your mind? For one thing he could be sexually unfaithful.

OP, just be prepared that no matter what he says / appears to come to his senses he will continue to work with her. Unless he changes jobs, you will never be 100% certain that this ends. Messages will become more secret, they will be better hidden and deleted.