Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

You're an amazing person and I can sense in the stuff you've posted, that you've gradually become stronger and stronger because you know your worth.
I'm sure you have a brighter, happier future ahead of you. Him, not so much x

@GreenBiscuit25

so yeah I’m out- I just can’t see a way to go on with our marriage. I will need to figure out the logistics, but nothing is worth a life like that.

Well, I'm sad for you but not really surprised. You were right to sit back and see what he did of his own volition. And you got a ring side seat to "When they tell you who they are, believe them".

So now, go stealth. Say no more, just start moving quietly towards your exit. First step, see a solicitor.

The way you've been so rational and calm about this is admirable. I think you're making the right decision. Good luck to you op! Xx

I’ve kept up to date with your posts op and I just want to say you have been amazing. Calm, rational, willing to give him a chance to make his own choices and he has thrown it back in your face. If he truly wanted to save the marriage he’d be moving heaven and earth to prove it to you. Instead he’s still meeting the other woman. Let them have each other. It will all end in tears.
Wishing you all the luck in the world. Keep your chin up and your head high.

So sorry that you are having to go through this - but you will find better and more worthy of you by being this strong and moving on. You have been so brave and strong. You will find the life you deserve.

@Lavenderfarmcottage i don’t want to derail the op’s post but pm me if you would like to chat. 41 is fine to start again x

@GreenBiscuit25 What a fool your faithless STBEx is, OP. You were prepared to give him a lifeline to save your marriage and he hasn't grasped it at all. He has, again, proven himself to be utterly untrustworthy by meeting with her again - I'm so glad you see his infidelity (even if only emotional) for what it is and are taking steps to protect yourself (and your DS) from him as he would surely cause you more hurt down the line.
I wish you all the very best for the future OP which will include in time, I'm sure, you finding a new partner who will love and want only you, and who will show you the respect you deserve. 🤗

@GreenBiscuit25 the worst is not knowing. Now you know so can move forward.
He’s made his choice now you make yours to move on with your life.

I’m really sorry that you found yourself in this situation but there’s life ahead of you. You have your wonderful DC that will keep you going.
You will be fine. There’s life out there and when you finally leave the emotional abyss you’ll see. The pain will be getting smaller every day.

Best wishes 💐

It's a cliche but this is probably one of those times when the greatest act of revenge is to let her have him.

He will bitterly regret it at some point.

Do you think they'll really regret it though? Do many end up with their AP

Oh OP, how awful.
Unfortunately he is long gone.
What a loser, to betray you and his child like that.
He has 100% cheated.
Don't be confused by his language.
He has cheated with a colleague.
I would be so tempted to tell his job.
Total power imbalance, even if she was encouraging him.
What a waster.
You mind yourself and tell people the truth so you are supported.

Ita definitly the start. When my ex was cheating he convinced me to change my meds as the current ones made me paranoid. Due to this I began having panic attacks sometimes in the middle of the night. Despite knowing that, he refused to cancel his works 'bowling' for me as he was staying over at his 'friends' afterwards from the pub. He later admitted he had booked a hotel. So after 27 years together, having 2 of his children, helping him through a breakdown last year.. he wasnt prepared to stay home with me to make sure I was OK home alone with out children ( primary age). That told me everything i needed to know in that moment about how fucking selfish he is,not just towards me but to our two children. The slapper is welcome to him.

I really do wish you all the best. As people have mentioned chump nation and leave a cheater gain a life is brilliant, esp the podcasts. It's so common. We've done nothing wrong.

That is just so bloody awful. I am sorry he was such a massive, massive twat x

What a piece of shit - leave them both to it. He will soon see that the grass isn’t greener and she won’t be a soppy after living with him etc. Walks are romantic but washing each others underpants are not!

Good luck OP - you are amazing

I have read the full thread and the sheer audacity of this man is astounding. You are so strong and have clearly seen right through his gaslighting and, frankly, the sheer arrogance he has shown in assuming you are blind to his awful behaviour. The disrespect is there in everything he has said and, more to the point done. I wish you well, and can already predict his 'poor misunderstood me' complaints to all and sundry when you give him his marching orders. Good luck OP, thinking of you and sending you strength.

mind boggling that the idiot had to go & have lunch with the very person he should be avoiding.
i guess he wanted confirmation she was still keen & ready to be new gf.
You are completely right to cut your losses.
He is playing for both teams

He is, that’s true. What an idiot. His head has been turned so far, he must have whiplash.

He is. He is bragging now that she is paying fot them both to go on holiday in Oct. She's a fool too ( but a slapper so who cares). He refuses to have them overnight too. I really wanted to go away for my birthday but I now can't as he wont have them.

@savagetomato why the thumbs up?

I am 47 and have been living an amazing life since I left him. It’s never too late. Life is short.

That is really hopeful!!! Thank you x

@GreenBiscuit25, I’ve been thinking of you. How are things going now?

How’s things @GreenBiscuit25?

Thank you once again.
I totally agree, I was “PAIN SHOPPING’ - and I am triggered all the time about the details within the 1000’s threads I’ve read. I have screenshots of them all and I am now slowly starting to delete them, 1 at a time, but in doing so, I reread B4 deleting and I KNOW this process could tip me over the edge. I am in a constant state of trauma.
I would not recommend the “PAIN SHOPPING” to anybody. However, I needed to “pain shop” at the start as he had convinced me for 3 months it was “a very good connection ” and not sexual. I believe that had I not uncovered the full truth thru “my shopping”, then the attempt at reconciliation would be different to what it is now. He would not be showing remorse for the physical affair because he had never admitted it to me. He displayed much more remorse once I knew it was sexual as well as “a great connection” (he’s still in denial that it was an emotional affair, but till my dying day I can’t believe that he would risk his marriage and check out and totally distance himself from me for all those years, if it wasn’t.)
Although the affair stopped the day I found out (trust me, I know it did stop that day, (I’d now make the best detective ever). I still really struggle to believe that after 5 years he didn’t love her (says he didn’t but he’s shown himself to be the biggest liar ever, over 5 years. I cannot now believe what he says, I hope that in time, with his continued effort, this may change.
I absolutely love your nightclub analogy …. which would/ could explain a short fling. HOWEVER I am really struggling to understand that she was not special to him or he didn’t fall in love with her, given the intensity, frequency and number of years that it continued. He sat next to her every day in work. I can only imagine how exciting that must have been for them, day in day out. They had the time of their lives, having fun together and attending exciting events and building their “great connection”. Surely this is how 2 people do fall in love over that time and do have a “great love affair” ?
He definitely chose her over me during those years. He pushed me so far away from him that I could no longer connect with him.
Thewookiemustgo - Please feed me a bit more in the hope that I can try to understand it better.

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend I remember your previous comments/posts. It’s such a big betrayal. As much as you want to get over it, your ability to do so and time it takes to get there is directly related to the hurt he caused you. It wasn’t just the act of sex, it was the way he treated you for an extended period of time. It may take equally as long to not think about it every single day. Is this something you want to invest in, not knowing if you will ever truly get there?

Have you had couples therapy?

I think he’s still minimising because in his mind he doesn’t want to hurt you any more than he has. The problem is that the lying is more hurtful than the truth at this point because truth is what has been missing in your marriage for years.

Of course there were emotions involved. The thrill of sex alone would have faded after the first few encounters. Whether those emotions were part of the affair bubble and a reflection of his need to be desired and validated by someone that wasn’t you, or because he had a deep genuine connection can only be speculated.

If he is still in denial as to the extent of his betrayal then you can’t trust what he says. He needs to do the work to be able to look at his actions and behaviour and take full accountability. Not just be sorry for what you can prove. Without this I honestly would walk away from reconciliation. It will be a long and painful road and there is no point if he’s still not doing his part. And doing his part is not just being nice to you now you know.