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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has left with no warning

231 replies

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 04:38

Hi all just need a hand hold or some advice really.
I've been with .my partner 2 years in general it's been good. However whenever we have a disagreement his reactions are always way over the top.
We have been away this weekend and have had a minor disagreement. His response has been to storm off block me on everything and not come home.
For context he doesn't come from my area and moved here a year or so ago so has nowhere to stay.
All his stuff is here including passport ,driving licence etc. He quite regularly storms off in huff's but not to this level. We have joint bills etc and now I have no way of contacting him. I have a DS and he's really bonded with him. Before when he's stormed off he hasn't been present but now he's aware of what is going on,and is really upset.
This isn't normal behaviour is it? Just feel so confused

OP posts:
2JFDIYOLO · 06/05/2025 00:15

He's unblocked you - you are now expected to beg him to come back.

Instead, send him the email telling him to collect his box of stuff on a certain date, or you will send it to the tip.

And tell him you will send his security docs to the issuing office if he does not collect.

Keep the email and his message. You may find you need this evidence.

Follow through with both actions.

Have you had the lock changed yet? Even though he gave your key back he may well have had copies made.

JojoM1981 · 06/05/2025 05:44

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 22:45

So for an update I have been told to bin all his stuff including passport and laptop ? Should I?

Nope. Stop dancing to his tune. Tell him to get his stuff and HE can bin it.

Twiglets1 · 06/05/2025 06:45

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 22:59

Hia family are 300 miles away so this isn't possible I have an email stating I can do this

Please don’t do this.

I think he is just trying to get a reaction out of you and create more drama.

Just don’t react to the email or whatever message you have asking you to do this. Soon enough he will be saying you haven’t destroyed my passport and laptop have you? Wait calmly until he asks for them back then ask him to get a friend to collect them or meet outside his workplace to return them.

Original poster
Confused225 · 06/05/2025 07:04

I have decided to post his passport and documents to his mum and dad's address
He doesn't speak to them but they may be able to just alert him to the fact they are there.
His clothes etc I will box up and in a month I will email again and see if he wants them if no again then I will tip.

OP posts:
Kathbrownlow · 06/05/2025 07:20

As others have said, he absolutely thinks you're going to start begging. Good for you, OP!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 06/05/2025 08:57

Send the documents and get rid of his stuff. Don't keep it and don't contact him as he'll take that as you holding on and using it to initiate communication.

Iamnotalemming · 06/05/2025 09:00

You are doing really well! Keep going!

Floralhousecoat · 06/05/2025 09:00

Op he hasn't left you without warning, he has behaved in this exact manner 7 times already, this is who he was all along and he didn't even hide it.

I can empathise with the loneliness and wanting to hold onto a relationship, any relationship, out of fear. Lots of us have been there. Do not take him back no matter what he promises now. You do not want this manipulative man in your life and definitely not round your son.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 06/05/2025 09:10

Confused225 · 06/05/2025 07:04

I have decided to post his passport and documents to his mum and dad's address
He doesn't speak to them but they may be able to just alert him to the fact they are there.
His clothes etc I will box up and in a month I will email again and see if he wants them if no again then I will tip.

Do not send the passport to his parents. A passport strictly speaking doesn't belong to the passport holder but to the issuing authority. In some countries it's an offence to destroy your "own" passport, far less some one else's. You have no right to send it to what is basically a random address. If he never collects it from you return it to the Passport Office.

viques · 06/05/2025 10:48

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 22:57

Sorry for clarity he has told me to !

Ignore him. He is setting you up for another guilt session where YOU will be the one who chose to bin his possessions.

Turn it back on him, tell him you have binned it as requested and wait for the fury to descend.

Then say, “ Ooops, my bad , have just realised it was you I binned, not your stuff , which is still sitting in my hallway in bin liners.”

MattCauthon · 06/05/2025 10:51

This is a man who very clearly likes to play the victim. So I would not do anything with his stuff - including sending it to his parents - for a few weeks. then, I would email him in a couple of weeks and say if he's calmed down now, you assumed he did NOt want his stuff all binned and he's welcome to collect it outside your house at a date and time that's convenient and if he doesn't arrange to do so within xx amount of time you will bin it as per his original request.

Although passport I'd send back to the passport office as a lost passport. I think there are legal implications to messing with passports.

Kathbrownlow · 06/05/2025 11:00

He's such a liar, anyway - of course he would want his passport. It's just another of his tricks to get Op to feel desperate.

Kathbrownlow · 06/05/2025 11:02

I once had a nasty BIL v similar to Op's idiot. He did the same with passport and big declarations he was never coming back, after storming off. His wife fell for it every time, and get really upset every time so of course he continued with his behaviour. He was so unpleasant and not above punching his wife on occasion. Horrible man.

cordelia16 · 06/05/2025 12:20

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 22:45

So for an update I have been told to bin all his stuff including passport and laptop ? Should I?

Definitely not. If you do, he'll use that against you.

2JFDIYOLO · 06/05/2025 12:28

Please don't send his passport etc to his parents.

Send it to the passport office recorded delivery with a clear truthful explanation of what has happened and ask them to liaise with him re getting it back as it is not your responsibility.

It may be you could get into trouble sending it to a third party. Do the sensible thing and return it to the issuing office. Keep records.

If you are then challenged, accused, criticised, bla bla bla, you are blameless and have been wise.

browneyes77 · 06/05/2025 14:29

Here’s what I would suggest:

Post his passport back to the Passport Office.
Explain he’s no longer living at your address and has gone AWOL and the passport you now believe to be lost property.

Post his driver licence to the DVLA.
Again, say the same thing to them as the passport office.

Bag the rest of his shit up and put it in the loft/shed/other storage area out of your way where they won’t get damaged.

Give it 2-4 weeks (or longer if you wish) for him to calm down and come get it.

If he doesn’t get his belongings after that time period, then send ONE email/message and one message only, saying that he has to pick up the rest of his belongings on X date at X time. And if he doesn’t collect them you will get rid of them as per his written request.

By safely sending his documents back to the issuing authorities and by not binning his items immediately, it shows you have behaved more than reasonably to his written request for you to ‘bin them’.

DoRayMeMeMe · 06/05/2025 15:45

Confused225 · 06/05/2025 07:04

I have decided to post his passport and documents to his mum and dad's address
He doesn't speak to them but they may be able to just alert him to the fact they are there.
His clothes etc I will box up and in a month I will email again and see if he wants them if no again then I will tip.

honestly, just bin the clothes.

he has already got you running around after him with his passport and shit. He threw a massive tantrum, and you and his Mum pick up the pieces- at your expense.
I would bin/recycle the clothes today, and not think another second about it. OP, you sound so nice, but you really need to start not giving a flying fuck what people like this guy think or say. If he says “she threw away my clothes” you laugh “because the stupid fool told me to, and then acts all surprised when people give him what he says he wants.”

You have done nothing wrong here, don’t try to fix the situation in any way. Just say “okey-dokey” and go grey rock.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 06/05/2025 16:11

He is telling your to bin his stuff to ramp up the drama. You are supposed to think I that he is suicidal. . He is not of course.

Reply with a thumbs up, then block him.

Do nothing else. Put it all his stuff the shed in black bins bags. Don't email him or phone him. Dont contact his parents or his friends.

If you have not heard from him in 6 months, return the docs to the authorities as Pp have explained and bin the rest. You are not a free storage facility.

Be very VERY glad you’ve found this out now and not after you had a child with his or married him.

SheridansPortSalut · 06/05/2025 16:15

"I have been told..."

By who? The cats mother?

timetotwist · 06/05/2025 20:11

Well, if you expect him to calm down and get over himself eventually then bag everything up including passport and driving licence and stick it out of the way until he collects it. I do not mean take him back! I mean give him a chance to see sense, come get his stuff from you or a mutual friend at an arranged time and place then never darken your door again. This suggestion only stands if you have somewhere to store his shit and if he's likely to want it back in a sensible time frame and you feel inclined, of course.

GentlemanJay · 06/05/2025 22:06

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 04:54

@MiloMinderbinder925 we've already had that conversation and it's got me nowhere. A mutual friend messaged him and he said we were done and then took his Facebook down.

There’s your answer.

Catswhiskey · 08/05/2025 08:45

If you have a lift box it up and put it all in there or understairs cupboard just so you don't have to look at any of his possessions.
Then forget about it. He sounds like he's bound to turn up at some point and then you can just give them all back to him without the worry of what to do with them. You're being overly considerate about his things when he's someone who is clearly happy to stamp all over your feelings and needs to grow up.

Catswhiskey · 08/05/2025 08:46

Not a lift. A loft!

Inertia · 08/05/2025 09:10

Agree with PPs about returning passport / driving licence recorded delivery to the issuing authorities with a covering letter. It sounds like he’s trying to find a way to get you into trouble with the authorities- you have to follow the law with official documentation.

How is he doing any work with no computer? Again, don’t bin that because you don’t want his workplace coming after you for it.

Sodthesystem · 08/05/2025 11:58

'Hes not controlling in other ways', yeah because this way works fine.

8 times with this drama in 2 years. Now he's ruining your holiday (another standard narc move btw).

Either way, you can't have your son around someone like this, being taught this bs is normal.

Once he's gone I hope you explain to your boy that people who act like pricks don't get to stay with us.

Edit after seeing your last few updates, good on you for taking swift action.

I'd change your locks just incase he made a spare. Sounds like he's sniffing around some other women ATM and will try come back if and when it doesn't work out.