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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has left with no warning

231 replies

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 04:38

Hi all just need a hand hold or some advice really.
I've been with .my partner 2 years in general it's been good. However whenever we have a disagreement his reactions are always way over the top.
We have been away this weekend and have had a minor disagreement. His response has been to storm off block me on everything and not come home.
For context he doesn't come from my area and moved here a year or so ago so has nowhere to stay.
All his stuff is here including passport ,driving licence etc. He quite regularly storms off in huff's but not to this level. We have joint bills etc and now I have no way of contacting him. I have a DS and he's really bonded with him. Before when he's stormed off he hasn't been present but now he's aware of what is going on,and is really upset.
This isn't normal behaviour is it? Just feel so confused

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 05/05/2025 09:49

Clearly it is not longer working. You both need to acknowledge that your relationship is over and all that is left is this toxic environment.

Discuss separating so that you can both be happy.

Sammyspurs · 05/05/2025 09:51

My ex used to do this- but he used to disappear to the people he was cheating on me with.
tell him he’s got 30 days to collect his stuff then you’re throwing it out.
good luck op. You’re so much better off without him and his narcissist ways.

MissSookieStackhouse · 05/05/2025 09:57

Pack his shit in bin bags so you can just dump it at his feet when he does eventually does slink back to get it. He won't even have to come in the house then. Or better still, if you drive and his parents aren't too far away, dump it on their doorstep.

ItGhoul · 05/05/2025 09:59

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 04:50

Yeah he lives with me . He's done it about 8 times now but this is most definitely the worst. We were away when he stormed off this time and I have no idea where he is or anything.
Messaged me to say he wanted his work stuff then sent another.message to say he didn't want it then blocked my number.
I'm unsure what to do next

You’ve only been seeing each other for two years, living together for just one year, he’s stormed out and disappeared eight times??

This isn’t a healthy relationship at all. Don’t subject your son to this.

bluesinthenight · 05/05/2025 09:59

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 04:58

Yeah I know it's just a huge over reaction. Not sure what to do with his stuff etc as I have no way of contacting him

Hopefully he will send a friend to collect it. If he comes round himself you will need to be very strong and not let him back into your and your son's life. This will be hard but will be easier if you focus on your son's wellbeing and keep that as a priority. It isn't fair for him to experience this constant abandonment.

Gettygrip · 05/05/2025 10:00

Exactly like my ex running off spitting his dumpy out wouldn’t hear from in in days. He spoilt a whole holiday aboard one year ( all inclusive) in Cyprus . Did one for 4 days !! That was the straw that broke the camels back. Its control he whats you to beg him and say sorry ‘ its me not you ‘ I was walking on eggshells for years. This behaviour stems from doing this to his mummy when he was 4 years and she would apologise for challenging him . Get rid of the controlling narcissist before you become ex number 3 !!
Move forward carry on with your life with your precious DS ( dont put him through this ) when he finally comes back which he will just say sorry i only have one child to take care not 2 now fuck off back to the nursery you have never left !! Good look OP

Doyouknowdanieltiger · 05/05/2025 10:06

So he's got two ex wives and a kid he doesn't see.

Seems a right loser op, don't become the third wife and second baby mama!

Ditch the dickhead!

Brefugee · 05/05/2025 10:10

he's not a partner, though, is he if he can't have a regular disagreement without stomping off.

Use this time to gather his belongings together, box them up so he can collect them when he returns.

Don't let him sleep another night under your roof. Take some time to decide if this is what you want.

Does your need for having a relationship really lead you to believe that a shit partner is better than none?

Classy59 · 05/05/2025 10:11

BlondiePortz · 05/05/2025 04:58

Why are you letting this around your child? just pack his stuff up tell him to collect it and put your child first - why do women need to keep on being told the same things? I dont care if this is needs to be sugar coated the message is obviously not getting there

Absolutely 💯

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 05/05/2025 10:14

Just dealt with this with my ex bf. He has adhd childhood diagnosed got him back on meds which helped the anger. Ended up helping him get a flat as it was killing me and kids. 2.5 year dealt with that as he knew my kids and moved in day 1 as kids wanted him to. I realise after I'd been love bombed. Anyways after a while found out he had been injecting cocaine. My God my heart burned. Anyways we have split now but the high highs and the low lows as amazing as the highs of the love bombing were I just couldn't cope anymore. Check his mood isnt because of drugs

Temporaryname158 · 05/05/2025 10:15

Tasks for a bank holiday Monday

book a locksmith the change your locks or go to B and Q for some and do it yourself if you feel confident after watching a YouTube video (it’s actually quite simple)

contact all bill providers and change everything soley into your name

box up his stuff and contact storage places, put it all in there…he will need his passport/driving licenses soon enough. Yes you have to pay to store it but if he hasn’t turned up in six months you aren’t being unreasonable to cancel it - that or if you have his parents details drop it off

apologise to your son and promise no more of this kind of uncertainty

you should have out and end to these strips when the first happened. You didn’t but the next best time to rectify this is now.

timetotwist · 05/05/2025 10:15

If you're sure he never got a key cut then that's one less problem to deal with. As PP have said you just need to pack up his stuff in bin liners/boxes and keep it for him to collect asap. If he's not in touch soon (and he will be, he needs his things) then send the passport etc to his parents or a trustworthy friend and dump the rest. He needs therapy. You can do better than him and better alone than with an abusive manipulative wanker.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 05/05/2025 10:21

ConcernedOfClapham · 05/05/2025 05:36

46?
2 wives behind him?
storms out 8 times in 2 years?

this is no way for you to live, you must be on constant eggshells. Take particular note of how this is affecting your son and put his needs above all else. He needs to see you putting your foot down and refusing to be treated like this. Eventually this pathetic wretch will contact you; either to get his stuff or to worm his way back in for a while, until you say / do something he doesn’t like and the whole pattern will repeat again. And again. Until you get over this fear of ‘not being alone’. Because, believe me - you are better off alone than with this waste of space. You are better than this, you deserve better than this. So take control and tell him so.

good luck, I hope you can extricate yourself from this toxic relationship and move on.

This. He is abusive and controlling, you and your child deserve much better.

Please get some counselling for yourself so that you can learn to stay away from this man and “fix your picker”.

If you are lonely, you need to build a social network for you and your son. Yes I know it’s not easy as a single parent , but you don’t have an option. Otherwise if you are constantly looking for a man to fill the void in your life , you will always be vulnerable to abusers.

In the meantime, pack up all your ex partners stuff. Don’t bother trying to contact him - he will soon be in touch when he thinks he has punished you enough and you are desperate to take him back and be more obedient in future.

Remember he is an expert at this - he’s been doing it for decades. I PROMISE you that he is ok, he has somewhere to sleep , eat, has acesss to money. Men like him are VERY GOOD at taking care of number one. He is not suicidal or mentally ill or anything like that. He is not confused or suffering in any way, it’s quite the opposite - he is trying to make YOU upset, worried and confused.

TicTac80 · 05/05/2025 10:24

He sounds awful! Be glad that the trash has taken itself out!! Please don’t beat yourself up, his antics are not your fault.

I would either….give him a week (at the absolute max) to collect his stuff….Or (preferable option) contact mutual friend today, and take his stuff over to mutual friend’s place for him to collect. Maybe extend your ex the courtesy that he once gave you…by you telling mutual friend that it is over and you have no wish to have any further contact from him.

Don't be afraid of being single. I’ve been single since XH and I split up 6yrs ago and it’s bloody wonderful. I’m not interested in dating at all. I love my freedom and my life: I have my DC, my cats and a peaceful home. I’m not out painting the town red but I’m enjoying the peace and quiet…and lack of drama! My parents are also both dead, most of my family are overseas, but I see my friends/family when we are able to meet up. Or (due to distance) we do online group chats to catch up. It’s perfect. You will do just fine x

chattychatchatty · 05/05/2025 10:25

I know someone who went through a marriage like this and after putting up with it for years she finally saw the light and they’re now separated. You deserve better. Make arrangements for his stuff and get him out your life.

Iamnotalemming · 05/05/2025 10:31

Doesn't sound like he is bringing a lot to the relationship, OP. Time for a fresh start. Focus on your DC and yourself.
Bag up his belongings. And don't let him worm his way back in later. You will be happier without this nonsense in your lives.

Good luck Flowers

CruCru · 05/05/2025 10:32

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 09:01

He hasn't got a key to the house so no worries there

How can he live with you and not have a key? Has he not had one cut? Change the locks anyway just in case.

It’s up to you whether you decide to reconcile with this appalling man but he shouldn’t have contact with your son. He’ll end up teaching him to do the same to his partners.

viques · 05/05/2025 10:36

I wouldn’t worry, he will come crawling back for them! What you need to do in the meantime is to decide where you want to go with the relationship. Personally I don’t think I would want to live with such an immature diva, and I certainly wouldn’t want him as a role model for my child. My instinct would be to spend today bagging up his stuff so he doesn’t need to come inside the house for it, you can just pass it to him through the door.

Lesleyann25 · 05/05/2025 10:44

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 05:10

@CurlewKate no I'm not frightened of him. I don't really have anyone else my parents died a few years ago. I have two siblings but they live about 200 miles away from me so don't see them very often.
I think I'm scared of being alone ,which I know sounds pathetic.

It’s not pathetic I felt that way when I split with my child’s father but being alone is way better than living with huffy prick. Nothing more unattractive than a huffy man. Complete turn off

KeenDuck · 05/05/2025 10:45

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/05/2025 04:56

There you are. He's not going to stop so it looks like it's over. I'm sorry OP.

Show quote history

My dad was like this growing up. I cannot tell you the number of Christmases birthdays special occasions that he ruined by just deciding on the morning. He woke up and he wasn’t gonna do it.
It was horrible. You were walking on eggshells the whole time never knowing when the next blowup would be.
Don’t do that to your child

DrummingMousWife · 05/05/2025 10:47

Throw everything he has into a bag or two and put by the front door. If he texts again, say no point in just getting your work things you may as well take all of it.
then block, ignore and don’t take him back.

user3879208717 · 05/05/2025 10:50

If you were my daughter I’d be advising you to pack his stuff into cardboard boxes so it’s ready to hand over on the doorstep without conversation if he turns up. If he doesn’t turn up in a reasonable time frame, a week or so, would it be possible to drop the stuff at his work? Connections severed would be my aim!
Change the locks if he’s got a key.

You can’t live your life with this nuclear level of sulking, however my guess would be that he’s got another woman to run to when these fallings out happen. I can’t imagine he’s sleeping on a park bench…

Original poster
Confused225 · 05/05/2025 11:23

Thanks for all the replies he gave me the key back when he had a huff. I will box up his stuff and put it in the shed for now. If he hasn't come back for it in a few weeks then it will have to be skipped.
Everyone has been really insightful and yep I do think I need to take time for me and my DS.
He doesn't know anybody here as far as im aware but who knows there could be somebody else No longer my problem

OP posts:
ToadRage · 05/05/2025 11:27

Eight times and you let it happen? I would have had serious chat after the first time he spat his dummy and would have had serious reservations about continuing every time he threw his toys out the pram. Pack his stuff up and leave it outside for him to collect, if you can't contact him tell a mutual friend to pass on the message. Focus on yourself and your son, his behaviour cannot have done anything for your self-esteem.

JojoM1981 · 05/05/2025 11:31

Confused225 · 05/05/2025 05:10

@CurlewKate no I'm not frightened of him. I don't really have anyone else my parents died a few years ago. I have two siblings but they live about 200 miles away from me so don't see them very often.
I think I'm scared of being alone ,which I know sounds pathetic.

Easy for me to say but I think I'd rather be alone than in a relationship like this..