Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

How did you find out? I'd be gathering a bit more evidence then confronting him with it. Do it too early and he'll likely just tell you they're just freinds.

And yes 65 year old men have affairs

Yes people have affairs at all ages. You don't have to talk to him if you're happy with how things are.

I think your question is more - do men still want sex at 65. And in the case of your H - he still seemingly does.
Personally - I'd not bother bringing it up, unless you want to restart your sex life.

Why rock the boat that is steady, assuming your relationship is otherwise good.
I certainly won't be divorcing over it in your age group.

I'm so sorry you've found this out, especially at this age (I'm in my 60's too).
Is this something you can live with, I'm not sure I could tbh. Do you have an idea of how he will react if you bring it up?

At 65 - I’d probably just leave it alone. He clearly still has a libido and found a way to discreetly deal with it, rather than make you feel bad for stopping sex.
He also very clearly not looking to divorce and shake up your life.

I found out because a friend saw his car in her road and just mentioned it in passing. He has a funny personalised number plate. I didn’t let on to the friend. Then I started looking at findmyiphone on his iPad which we both use and realised he was there a lot and had said he was fishing/golf etc. They could just be friends. I could possibly live with it but I’d live in fear he would leave me for her. They have always got on well and have a lot in common and she is right they are a good match so it’s not just sex. She’s 60. We used to socialise as a couple before her divorce but she was always very much Dh friend.

Sorry to hear this OP, must be heartbreaking to live with this knowledge. It doesn't sound good.
Good luck when you confront him.

That’s really hurtful op, esp if you know the other woman. Is she still married as well?

@confusedandupset99 kindly, what do you want?

Are you frightened because you are worried that if you approach him, that this will end your marriage?

Could you live with him having a physical relationship, elsewhere, so that your marriage will continue?

Is it him lying to you that is the problem?

If you could process it all and conclude your "best case scenario", what would that be, for you?

Inevitably, a conversation will need to be had.

eta; apologies @confusedandupset99 I posted before I saw your latest update.

I could if I thought it was just sex. I’m surprised how many women do accept this but knowing how well they get on I suspect she may want more. We have a couple of big family events this year and I’m thinking he may be waiting until after them. I could of course be completely wrong and it’s all innocent (other than the lying)

What do you want to happen re you and he going forward?.

He has lied to you about going fishing and or playing golf when he has been elsewhere. If the shoe was on the other foot he would not be at all forgiving of you. She is no friend of your marriage but neither is your husband.

I would seek legal advice regarding all aspects of separation and divorce. You do not have to act on that immediately but knowledge is power.

You may also want to read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

This.

I really don't see the problem. She's handling the aspect of the relationship that the OP doesn't want. Why mess with that?

There's a risk he may leave (but I bet he doesn't) but why end the marriage now on the off chance the marriage may end in tbe future?

He should either be fully committed to his marriage or not. Not half in with you providing for him whilst he is potentially half out the door.

It would be unfair of him to string you along further like this whilst he conducts a clandestine relationship with this woman. He also needs to know what the loss of you would feel like.

Do you have adult children?. Is there one of them you could talk to?.

If you confront him then things will inevitably change one way or the other and yes he may leave you and disrupt your apparently happy life. If you say nothing things might just carry on as normal for a while but they may both decide they want more so again he might leave you. On the other hand he may decide he wants both ways of life - who can tell? Only you know your exact situation and feelings, it's a tough one and I'm sorry for you. However, despite previous posters saying at your age don't rock the boat, you're still a relatively young woman and life isn't over till it's over.

I really feel for you. If it was innocent and he just wanted to be friends, why lie? Can you do a bit more digging before you confront incase he lies? Check his phone etc? It sounds like it’s likely to be more than sex if she’s always been keen on him, and you’ll want to get your ducks in a row if it’s not innocent.

just to add @confusedandupset99

Discussion, rather than confrontation could possibly yield the desired outcome.

Just don't do the "pick me" dance, be smart. 🌻

He should either be fully committed to his marriage or not.

Without a physical relationship there is no meaningful marriage. They're house mates.

Do you have adult children?. Is there one of them you could talk to?

That seems mental to me, they don't need to know.

"She's handling the aspect of the relationship that the OP does not want"

That does not make what is happening here any more palatable or even better. Why should OPs H have his cake and eat it too?. Why should the OP put up with this from her H?. If the shoe was on the other foot he would likely not be at all forgiving.

They could well pick up on the fact their mother does not seem quite as happy as she usually is. They are certainly going to know if their parents marriage implodes.

They absolutely can and do have affairs at 65. PP saying you're 65, just put up with it, I'm astonished. Why should she? It was the lying that did it for me, now separated, in the process of buying my own home. I hope you find the courage to confront him, it's the hardest part but once it's done, it's done. Look at the finances, decide what you want the next 10-20 years to look like and go for it.

I don’t think op said she didn’t want that side of relationship but more that it fizzled out. I see a prob . It’s cheating at 65 like it would be at 35. It’s harsh on op to be so dismissive of what he’s doing.

I don’t think op said she didn’t want that side of relationship but more that it fizzled out

I think she did, but assuming she still wants a healthy physical relationship it should be pretty easy to make sure DH doesn't have spare "energy" for a lover.

I wouldn't accept this in any form. What's your financial position OP?

@OldandTired66 I think your situation was different. The OP is in a completely different head space than yours. Don't you think?

@confusedandupset99 has stated that

"I could possibly live with it but I’d live in fear he would leave me for her.

I could if I thought it was just sex"

Op , doesn’t matter what age you are , you deserve respect . I see a lot of people divorcing at this age , it’s far from being rare . If you think he is cheating confront him . You deserve the truth , no a live in fear of him leaving you !