Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

@emilysquest sorry I really don’t agree-whilst it is for some people there are many people for whom it assumes way less importance beyond a certain age -

@BoldAmberDuck hey you understand , healthy mind and active life in all aspects including sexually actually makes you feel better , gives you a glow that others notice and wish for and there is nothing wrong with enjoying all aspects of sex including rampant etc…I have been in many thrilling encounters where it was very rampant quick and fulfilling for both but thts another chat….✊🏿

I had an affair at 34 with a 64 yr old man nothing emotional just sex

Do you want me to sew you a rosette or something? 🙄

@confusedandupset99, how are things going? I’ve been thinking of you and empathizing with how unsettled you must feel. You don’t deserve this disrespect.

Your H has been leading a double life for at least 3 months — meeting up weekly with this OW in her home while lying to you about his location. This is a grievous transgression. OW, who has crushed on him for years, now knows more about what’s going on in your marriage than you do. If you hadn’t investigated after your friend’s remarks, you’d still be in the dark. Besides the personal betrayal, how dare H position you to be the subject of gossip.

This is your life and your marriage. You have agency and the valid expectation for honesty, fidelity, fairness and transparency. @confusedandupset99, I hope you will soon address H’s inappropriate behavior and abuse of your trust.

“Lonely life of a single woman”

bloody hell… you’re nothing like my single female friends who are far too busy with their lives to give not having a partner a second thought.

@andthat indeed - plenty of lonely and quite trapped partnered up women out there too -

I think you need to figure out what you want, what you can live with, how things would be if you divorced. Once you confront him the genie is out the bottle, I'd want to be 100% sure I wanted that first. I'd also want more info before confronting him so he cant weasel out of it or lie some more, id get access to phone or email. If you have a proposal "you can see her for sex but nothing else" genuinely think that through before approaching him.
I also think there's a big difference between intimacy and sex, I think our sex life comes and goes but we are always intimate (cuddling, kissing, massages sharing our feelings) - if all of the intimacy goes it will leave a gap, and it sounds like they already had a close, potentially intimate on some level, friendship. The fact he's barely hiding it (keeping his phone locator on, parking in her drive in his car) makes me think he wants to get caught/isn't too bothered about you finding out.
I'd also think practically, if you're worried about him leaving - get some counselling to mentally prepare, get finance aware, think and plan what you want and how it might work, have a proposal ready. You've got a head start here, painful, but potentially better than him springing a divorce and OW on you (appreciate it won't feel this way now).
Whatever you do/want - use this time to prepare financially, physically, emotionally, logistically. Get all your ducks sorted, cry it out, get into a place where you've a clear order of preferences before you bring it up with him.