Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

Why should OPs H have his cake and eat it too?.

There isn't any cake at home so he's visiting a cake shop.

If he already had cake this would be a different question because the takeaway Victoria Sponge might have an STD which could damage the OP's oven. 🍰

Yes if you confront him, he may leave you. But he may leave you anyway by the sound of it. He’s lying to you about where he is, and if you think he and this woman are playing scrabble you are kidding yourself, sorry op. You may think he wasnt bothered about sex, but he clearly is, and is getting it elsewhere. How you can just passively sit on this info I don’t know - take control of your life, confront him, and deal with the situation. If he’s cheating I’d divorce him (mine was and I did, no it wasn’t easy, yes it was worth it).

He’s lying and clearly having quite a fun time elsewhere. I’d not be able to plod along and accept that, yes it would be rocking the boat to confront him but you are still married and his behaviour isn’t OK. Could you turn a blind eye and let him crack on? What if other people know and your the talk of the town! Sod that, I’d be heading over there next time he’s pretending to play golf and shove the club where the sun don’t shine.

Don’t do anything in a hurry. Collect the facts and find out your financial situation if you decide to divorce or separate. It may be innocent or just sex. Only you can decide the best option for yourself

He's not really hiding it tho, is he?

Leaving his easily identifiable car visible.

This is such a weird attitude. So a woman should shag her husband until he has no energy to shag another, otherwise what can she expect but infidelity?
I'm really shocked by the replies to this thread. So many people telling OP to keep quiet and soldier on, as though the natural decline of her libido means she's fair game to be cheated on. If the husband is unhappy with the state of their sex life, or with their home life, or with any other aspect of their relationship, the respectful way to approach that is to have a conversation with his wife, not to get a mistress.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

@TasWair

"So many people telling OP to keep quiet and soldier on" This is what she wants to do though?

stated by @confusedandupset99
"I could possibly live with it but I’d live in fear he would leave me for her.

I could if I thought it was just sex"

For some of us, the current scenario would be totally unacceptable.

However, for @confusedandupset99 she seems prepared to compromise and that is also acceptable.

But she doesn't think it's "just sex" ? And she says she'd live in fear- That's surely no life for a woman?

totally agree @TasWair but we are not @confusedandupset99

So a woman should shag her husband until he has no energy to shag another, otherwise what can she expect but infidelity?

If she wants a healthy sex life then making that sex life most intense just before he plays "golf" then, yes, it would certainly solve this problem.

As it happens I don't think the OP wants to rekindle her sex life so I guess she'll prefer a different solution.

Honestly I’ve always said I’d leave if I was cheated on, but in this situation I don’t know what I would do. At 65, if it was just sex and I had no interest in having a sexual relationship I think I would potentially accept it but would need the facts first. The risk of getting those facts is that you bring it out into the open and at that point he can walk away if that is his plan but was waiting for x date but I’d have to do it because I refuse to torture myself worrying.

I think the fact that he is lying about where he is indicates that it is not innocent. You are going to have to have the difficult conversation and find out what's going on. Good luck OP 💐

My uncle had a sexual affair at 80

Why should OP have her cake and eat it? She wants to remain married to her husband, but doesn’t want to have sex with him.

I really don't see how a "difficult conversation" or confrontation will help.

Great if OP wants to milk this for drama but completely pointless. Her options are to let it carry on or initiate a divorce. She needs to decide between those.

If she wants a good old row for the fun of it, fine, but it won't help.

Is the lying any less problematic to a marriage because a couple are over 60?!

A friend's father had sex with three different women in his old people's home. All frail elderly - anticipated to be in their last three years of life.

She wasn't surprised by him, but what were the women thinking? 🤯

Can you check his phone for messages? If you know he's lying to you to be with her I doubt they're sipping tea.
Personally I would look at my finances and speak to a solicitor to see your what your situation would look like if you decide YOU want to take control/want to separate. Forewarned is forearmed.

I'm 63 so your age group. I'd implore you to decide what YOU want primarily.
Do you want to stay with him or do you want a divorce?
I went for the divorce because my exH was living in the house I owned and I didn't see why he should get free rent and cheat on me. Good riddance.
You have to decide based on your circumstances.

Indeed. How dare those women have sex at their age! The horror!

I'd absolutely be presenting him with the evidence. I don't care what age I get to, I still deserve to be respected in my marriage and if my DH was cheating I wouldn't hesitate on leaving him.

Amazed at some of these replies, which would have been very different if the OP had said she was in her 40s or 50s.
Why just because she’s in her 60s should she turn a blind eye?
If he’s having an affair it’s disgraceful behaviour no matter what age you are.

Well I think we've found the husband and the woman here. 🙄This is horribly dismissive.

and that's because sex is the quintessential requirement of a successful marriage?

Omg sounds like the women were possibly very vulnerable and either didn’t know what they were doing ( as in dementia, thought they were still with their husband) or were not compliant and unable to fight him off. makes you wonder about the safeguarding in the home. So grim.

I’m a similar age to you OP, I’d be shoving his fishing rod where the sun doesn’t shine. No lying man is worth being miserable for.