Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

@Arrivederlayep clearly in our 60s we should accept any old shitty behaviour - fuck that !

Presumably all women are meant to go on ad infinitum then regardless of age or no longer feeling sexual .

Someone else said:

Perfectly reasonable to want sex. Perfectly reasonable to absolutely not want sex. Difficult for those 2 things to co exist in a very long marriage.

Well, I certainly never said "with my body I thee honour" meaning "we will have sex whenever you want" or "I will have sex with you if I don't want to". And he also said "with my body I thee honour". Don't think he's doing much " bodily honouring" of op whilst he's round at his side chicks house!
Yes, he can absolutely leave if he is unhappy but the entire point of being married is that you promise NOT to shag other people. If you want to, and yes, being in a sexless relationship can absolutely lead to that, then you discuss it and leave or agree an open marriage, whatever works for BOTH OF YOU. You do not sneak around lying and cheating as a unilateral choice. Literally nothing honourable about that. You write as if ops husband has no choice, of course he does! He can use his big boy words and tell her he is unhappy. No one is forcing him to be a liar and a cheat, he is choosing it.

you promise NOT to shag other people

You promise to shag each other to the exclusion of anyone else.

...and I think a lot of people get married with the expectation of children. Guess what that requires.

But that's irrelevant. The lack of sex and the cheating has already happened. What we're discussing now is how the OP gets the best outcome for her. We don't need to dwell on how they got here.

I'm finding it very odd that there are people on the thread suggesting that the OP ignore an affair, even if it is 'just sex'. Just because the couple involved are in their 60s that doesn't mean it's somehow less of an affair than it would be if they were 30 or 40 or 50.

The OP says their sex life has dwindled but that's also true for plenty of younger couples who have small children, or couples in their 40s when perimenopause hits, and I don't really see anyone telling women that age to turn a blind eye to their husband shagging his friend once a week.

Hi love, yes I would confront him. You can’t live a lie. Get evidence togeather so he cannot lie. Ask the truth of the visits and the lies told. Discuss your relationship intimacy. Discuss if he will stop this and you can try to work things out if that’s what you want. At your age you should be enjoying life. Holidays and such. Maybe book one and try to rekindle intimacy. It’s not your fault. He needs to water his own grass. If he put as much effort into his marriage and romance im sure your intimacy wouldn’t have suffered. Don’t write yourself off x

Yes, rather weird levels of ageism here. The same as at any age (and plenty of young women come to MN and describe this scenario), if there is a mismatch of expectations and needs (sexual or otherwise) in a relationship, then it needs to be talked about and a joint decision made about how it is managed, whether this is agreeing to the meeting of some needs outside the relationship and staying together, or splitting.

"Do men have affairs at 65"??, yes of course both men and women have affairs at 65 and beyond.

Personally I would not tolerate the lying that is happening in this case, but I am also mindful that it is not right to just carry on "as usual" if the parameters of the marriage have changed i.e. it has become a non-sexual relationship when it was previously a sexual one. Everyone has a right to not want sex, and everyone has a right to want sex. At whatever age. Discussion is therefore needed urgently here or things will just get more distressing.

Sorry but what is the cutoff age on MN for women to start accepting their husband's doing this?

I'm very confused why this lady has been advised a couple of times not to say anything & blow up the marriage over his (probable) infidelity because of her age! Wtf?
I'm sorry @confusedandupset99 , as I would suggest to anyone going through this, trust your gut.
Then figure out what YOU want for your retirement and plan for that.

Good luck 🏵

It's up to the woman concerned. If she thinks she's better off sticking with the marriage fine. If she wants out that's fine too.

I would start asking him more questions about his days and what he got up to / who he was with ( in a seemingly innocent small talk kind of way) to unnerve him and make him a bit paranoid, he will be unsure if you know something ( that is if something is going on) or not

Wait and see his reaction and if he seems unnerved, this might give you a good indication if something is going on or not

Act in a very innocent / non confrontational way

It's not ageism to consider that people might choose to turn a blind eye to something to improve their quality of life, if that's what they want. Marrying or staying married for financial reasons isn't unheard of. Also if you're retired and relying on a pension it's not like you can just move on and get a mortgage, so it is different in a lot of ways to this happening at 40.

As I said my mum has ended up in the shit in her 60s so I've seen it happen. Their relationship was crap for a long time but I do wonder if she'd make the same choice if she could do it over again.

I don’t think it’s ageism .. I think it’s based on the op saying she hasn’t been interested in sex in years and she would be ok turning a blind eye if it was just sex. Age is a factor .. starting over when you are closer to 70 than 40 is a factor though and most people would want to avoid it like the plague if generally life was good. Fidelity is not the most important thing to everyone. I think the problem here is that this women wants him.. they get on very well and have lots in common and I would think in time she Will absolutely push for more. He probably will be perfectly happy with the arrangement as it stands but if pushed who knows 🤷‍♀️ I think she has to confront him .. at the very least she will have a better idea where she stands and can start dealing with whatever that is.

Why should he have to tolerate a sexless marriage? His wife has seemingly unilaterally decided to withdraw sex from the relationship without asking his opinion.

there is no cut-off age @Tvp123

It is completely up to the woman concerned, surely?

Whether that's 25, 45, or 65

What each of us will tolerate is totally personal, even though some may disagree and may not suit.

If it's that much of an issue he could end his marriage before lining up a replacement though, don't you think that would be the decent thing to do?

You probably need to have an honest converstaion with your husband, or carry on as you are.
Either you are happy for him to have an outlet for his needs that are not filled in your marriage.
Or, you decide that its not going to work and break up.
Personally, I would not want someone to be with me because they felt sorry for me, felt I couldnt cope on my own, thought I would have a breakdown if they left and felt tied to me for any other reason.
I think you need to understand his motivations.

Thank you for all your replies. I have read them all and it’s given me plenty to think about. I’d say our relationship is based on companionship and mutual support. There is no sex but there is affection. I have a busy social life with my friends but we also do things together and see family and friends socially. Financially we have our house which if sold would enable me to buy a flat with my half and we both have pensions so very simple. We have 3 adult children and I won’t involve them. I don’t know what I want to happen. I wish I’d never found out. Thank you all again and I will report back if anything changes

What an awfulmthing to find out OP, especially involving people you have known and trusted for years. You must be devastated. Your husband has shown a complete lack of respect for you. You need to find your anger. If he wanted more sex which you were unable to provide he should have respected you enough to talk to you about possible solutions. He does not sound a nice man. How does he treat you generally? Does he do his fair share of housework? I am wondering if you may be better off without him. How would you feel about leaving him. You mention you have friends, so you wouldn't be alone. He and her may find they loose a few. What a horrible pair.

Replacement? He wants weekly 'no questions asked' legover, not a complete new life.

I'm sure the OW would like nothing more than the OP to end the marriage, I doubt DH feels that way. (We can't be sure, obvs.)

He’s not being discreet though is he?! She knows about it!

That's not "very clear" at all! This may only just have started, the ow may bery well want a lot more, otoh it may not be a secret elsewhere and you might be the last to know. Now you DO know, you have to decide what you want.

Look into your finances etc before saying anything.

so she should just tolerate sex, even if she doesn't feel it?

Do you know that it was her conscious decision to withdraw or was something else going on in their marriage?

"without asking his opinion" 😱😱

The other woman seems to have had designs on him for a long time…..what a witch,
I probably wouldn’t like the fact that if there is something going on and a lot of people know about it there could be a lot of gossiping going on behind your back, that’s what would probably annoy me the most in this scenario
If he had been more discrete and people didn’t see his car in front of her house I’m not sure I would care

Sorry op it must be awful to have found this out. Such a common story though, people in sexless marriages both apparently happy with the situation until a third party comes on the scene and it all changes.

You need to tell him you know amn ask if it's love or a fling. If it means nothing and he wants to stay only you know if you can forgive but you've got to start a conversation.