Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

Without a physical
relationship there is no meaningful marriage. They're house mates.

Absolute crap. Marriage is far, far more than sex. It's about your whole lives, your joint future, everything.

I fail to see what's shocking here. Yes, without asking his opinion. I'm not saying the OP should continue to have sex she doesn't want, but that is going to have consequences, and so it has proved. When she decided she was done with sex, she doesn't appear to have said so to her husband. Did she ask him if he was happy with a sexless marriage? It seems she just assumed he would be. And that assumption was foolish and unfair.

@beetr00 she says herself that they have a mutually supportive relationship. So, if she decides unilaterally that she no longer wants it to be a sexual relationship, which she is perfectly entitled to do, for any reason or no reason, they need to discuss this and discuss options for both of them.

The responses on this thread are quite astounding, don't bring it up, just leave it alone. JFC how low are some people's bars that they'll discover their DH is cheating and just leave it be?

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, he's not been too discreet has he really. But you know now so maybe a frank discussion about it, the stark reality that you know might lead him to some sense

And sex is far more than just intercourse. It is about the connection, the intimacy, the closeness. The feeling desired and desiring another. Sex is not something you just unilaterally decide to stop. Well you can, but I'd be very careful as the op has sadly found out.

Why are the only options no sex, or cheating on your spouse? Ever heard of wanking? Pretty close subsitute and saves a significant amount of time, money and pain.

As the saying goes (from the guy in my local anyway) "sex is good but you can't beat the real thing!" 😅😂

Op. You have to confront this issue sooner rather later as it bite away at you.
When you speak to him about it will be interesting if he denies it or you could contact her and ask her for answers!

Good luck.

It's not about less than sex.

...and if sex is not important why are we worried about him having sex with the OW?

Except it's absolutely not the same. Sex is about intimacy and connection. Masturbation is not a substitute. It's absolutely fair enough for the OP to decide she's done with sex, but she should have discussed this with her husband. It's equally fair for him to want to continue to have a sex life.

Just to say sorry OP. Shitty situation. Not nice to be lied to by your DH.

But also pretty shitty behaviour of the 'friend' - especially if you socialised as couples before her divorce, you must know her quite well. Guess that kind of behaviour doesn't stop just because people are older.

Precisely. Sex is unimportant and women should be allowed to unilaterally decide its not going to happen anymore without even a discussion, but also somehow sex is so important that their husbands shouldn't be allowed to have it with anyone else either.

Sex and wanking are massively different, sex is about a LOT more than just an orgasm.

'Why are the only options no sex, or cheating on your spouse? Ever heard of wanking? Pretty close subsitute and saves a significant amount of time, money and pain.'

I think because as has been said sex isn't all about the act itself and an orgasm it's about feeling close to someone, being attacted to someone and them being attracted to you. Intimacy is as important as paying your bills and being companions.

I didn't say sex is unimportant. I said that a marriage is far more than sex so no sex does not, by definition , necessarily mean no marriage.

My dMiL would be somewhat offended to hear she had no marriage to dFiL as she cared for him through a long and horribly disabling illness.

We don't know that OP and her husband are not physically affectionate. Just that they haven't been shagging. And it didn't end because of her active instigation either. She may have thought her dh had ed, and may have been content not to make an issue as it was no big deal to her.

She may have thought her dh had ed

If it turns out DH can't have sex that would be quite the drip feed!

This is possibly the most ageist thread I've seen on mumsnet. I cant imagine some of this advice being given to a mother with young children, with so much more to lose security wise. A Greek chorus of LTB

I would ask him if he is planning on divorcing as it seems he is lying to you in order to see the woman frequently.
Tell him this can be perfectly amicable, you will call an estate agent & he can tell his children that he has an OW & you are history. You will not be the village joke & will not play the "pick me" dance. So he had better tell you right now what he intends ........
He will be completely blind sided, deny everything, & say you don't have sex bla bla. She's just a friend.
To which you reply. You accept that he has not made any effort in this domain & thought it was what he wanted, although it appears he does want it with OW.
But smoke & mirrors does not change the question. Devious Little Fucker.
Yes or No to the divorce ?
Come on its not that hard, one single word......

Don't cry, don't shout, don't be deflected.

He will be completely blind sided, deny everything, & say you don't have sex bla bla. She's just a friend.

He will. So why ask? Less bother to just say she wants a divorce, if that's what she wants.

I'm really sorry @confusedandupset99 and I'm sure this will be sex....... and possibly he'll leave you?

65 isn't old these days.

It's horrible for you, with his lying and cheating.

What a childish attitude. Throughout adulthood we constantly have to compromise and accept there are things we might not longer be able to do. If OP could no longer have sex becuase she had a debilitating illness, despite wanting to, would it be fair enough for DH to seek sex outside the relationship? Of course not. We're not cavemen FFS.

Why stay with a man who is deceiving you?
Some posters seem to imply that is better than being on your own?

'My dMiL would be somewhat offended to hear she had no marriage to dFiL as she cared for him through a long and horribly disabling illness.'

Well of course illness is different.

You said marriage is more than sex, it's your futures your lives etc. It is also, or it should be, desiring your partner and vice versa. Intimacy is important and it is definitely worth keeping the spark going.

Really? Becuase according to Green and other PP it's just sex. If it's about a LOT more than why have PP got such a blase attitude to the potential betrayal of OP's DH?

I mean, flip that around. Sex is important , so why did the OP decide to withdraw it without a discussion?

Why stay with a man who is deceiving you?

Why? Maybe she likes the house? Maybe she doesn't want the disruption. Maybe she likes his company? Maybe they have great holidays together? Maybe she wants to inherit the entire estate when he dies rather than have half now. There are loads of potential reasons.

Only the OP knows if she likes the status quo more than she dislikes being deceived. There are no right or wrong answers here, just whatever the OP prefers.