Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

@Busbygirl

"Why just because she’s in her 60s should she turn a blind eye?"

because she wants to?

"I could possibly live with it but I’d live in fear he would leave me for her.

I could if I thought it was just sex."

I'm so sorry OP. My mum has just gone through this with my dad, they're both in their early 60s. She confronted him over a year ago and he's only just moved out, despite continuing to 'date' the OW. They've not moved in together though as they're 'not sure it's that serious a relationship'. It's pathetic.

I can understand people suggesting you keep quiet tbh. Or speak with him and see if an open marriage would work. My mum's life has totally imploded, she needs to sell their home and move into a flat, it's essentially ruined her retirement despite being not her fault at all.

If you do decide to confront him and separate, if you have children be careful how much you tell them. Despite being an adult I've really struggled with my mum telling me the details and it's forever affected my (currently non-existent) relationship with my dad, despite her wanting me to contact him.

No, but it's a very important component for many people. Women are told on here all the time not to accept enforced celibacy if their male partner has withdrawn sex.

He is lying and most likely cheating.
Our feelings don’t become less as we age, OP isn’t less worthy of a faithful honest relationship than anyone else who is younger.
OP do you want to have a physical relationship? Do you want to remain with your husband?
If the answer is yes then I would raise this with your DH and try and talk it through.
If the answer is no to either of them then it is a more difficult choice but I would definitely be aware that your DH may choose for you at anytime.
At the very least I would look into your finances if you split so you are prepared if needed.

I didn't pry becaise it made me feel a bit sick, but yes, it must raise all kind of issues for the staff. I'd love it if a care home worker did an AMA to explain how they manage a load of people with dementia in this regard. 🤮

Are you comfortable that he is simply going to your friends for sex but nothing else…If you can live with that then it’s ok..but you must find a way to chat with him and assure him that is ok as long as there is no other feelings plans etc…

Feel free to suggest a better a
plan, I'm sure the OP will be very grateful.

First and foremost decide what you want. There are no right or wrong decisions here. Choosing to sit with the knowledge and think for a bit is a decision in itself. Every individual situation is different, even if there are common themes. Give yourself time and space to really think.

Confronting him does not automatically mean your marriage is over. Some people choose to work through things. Others don't. Only you know your husband and what his likely response to you telling him you know will be. He may make the choice for you, but he may also recognise what he has been throwing away. Either way, before any sort of conversation, you will need clarity on whether you would want to salvage this or not. And that will take time, for your immediate emotions to settle.

I can understand wanting to turn a blind eye but based on what you have said, what she has said and the fact that they get on so well I would assume it is only a matter of time before he leaves for her. She will most likely not be happy long term with his weekly visits and will want more. He probably would be , it really is a case if push comes to shove what will he decide
Its always a risk if one person decides they no longer want sex and the other person still does.
I would say something before it has a chance to develop further, there might still be time to salvage things if you still want to. Further down the line, when feelings become more entrenched will be harder

@workshy46 I agree with your comment, but if she can openly chat with DH and come to an arrangement that he can visit her purely for sex…and tell him she can do similar if she finds someone , it can be fair…I wonder how he,ll react?

isn't it the fact that more women have a reduced interest though @MemorableTrenchcoat?

I had a meaningful marriage without a physical relationship with my late husband while he was dying of cancer. We were NOT housemates.

And if he does have feelings and plans is he going to feel comfortable stating that clearly to the OP? Of course he's not. Talking to him about anything other than a divorce serves no purpose at all.

I'd be amazed if he and the OW want a LTR out of this - one of them will likely end up as a carer for the other. If they do they aren't going to admit it when confronted.

As others have said, the OP needs to decide what her prefered outcome is and act accordingly.

Sorry to hear that. Heartbreaking, and yes. Clearly a meaningful marriage.

To be fair OP has said they have a few family things coming up which he may be waiting until after to share this news. Her coming out with it and getting it out in the open removes any need for him to wait it out, it may well be that he does have every intention of leaving and being honest about his relationship but wanted to wait until after X family event/holiday.

Yes, but if she wants him to leave quicker then she just needs to say she wants a divorce.

Some very ageist responses on herer, almost as though some posters don't think people over a certain age are fully human.

This 👆🏻. I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is not ok. Totally disrespectful to your marriage.

I think if you confront him and bring it out in the open I think it’s more likely he will leave you tbh. If that’s your fear and he’s currently not rocking the boat, I’d find a way to live with it.

In what way?

OP, I say this kindly, if he is lying about where he is, they arent "just friends". I think you need to discreetly seek legal counsel, consider your options and then make your move. You have zero guarantee that he wont eventually leave you, so consider that you are lucky to have the knowledge you do, and time to protect yourself before it blows up. Plus, you dont deserve this. No one does.

What do you want OP? How is your financial situation?

I guess it depends how you see the next ten years going. Are your finances robust enough to keep your lifestyle if you separated? It may be that he wants to divorce in due course in which case you’ll have to manage, but I think I’d keep quiet if I wanted my familiar life to continue and see how it pans out.

then why did you state otherwise?

He's lying so it's not 'innocent'. He doesn't want you to know that he visits a woman who has made it plain that she fancies him.

Personally, I'd be angry and upset about the deception, regardless of what they get up to during those visits. He's broken the bond of trust between you.

I would tell him I know about the visits and that I won't tolerate being deceived. He'll deny anything untoward is happening but that would be piling on more lies because if it's just a friendship, he could invite her round for coffee or play golf with her etc. with your knowledge. Whatever they're doing is clearly something they want to do together in secret behind closed doors. Don't be fobbed off!