Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

What's the rest of your relationship like? When you say he's 'normal at home', what's normal for you? Is there affection, do you still spend quality time together, do you feel there is still love there, etc?

This. I think you risk everything by sticking your head in the sand whether you ask him out right or not - he may already be planning to leave. Just seek legal counsel first so that you know what your rights are re (for eg) a share of his pension, your share of the house etc.

I appreciate your marriage may have become sexless, post menopause there can be issues with libido etc, but if this was an issue he should have discussed it so that you could work through it together, explore HRT and other ways to recover your libido. He can’t just notice it’s absent and then seek it elsewhere. And lying about where he is is an absolute betrayal.

I'd gather more evidence and confront him. You're married you deserve respect and a faithful husband.

I would not let on for now but start to "get my ducks in a row" - copy all the documents about property, investments and savings, pensions that you can. Divorces can often turn nasty and assets hidden. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It may be an emotional affair for now. Men tend not to leave unless the nest they are hoping to jump into is a cert, maybe they aren't ready to commit to one another. Maybe your H is just enjoying having his ego strokes and the flirting and chase - a last hurrah! Very hurtful that he is lying.

Go see for yourself, cruise by when he says he is fishing or whatever and then ask a lot of questions about his fishing trip and see how much he lies.

Suggesting that she just puts up with it, doubt that advice would be given to someone younger. The lying is a betrayal of trust regardless of what age the OP is

For me, I don't care if you are 25, 65, or 105, male or female. UNLESS you have agreed an open marriage with your spouse, this is infidelity, plain and simple.
He has clearly not agreed with op that he seek sex or anything else, elsewhere and is lying about his whereabouts. Big fat nope from me. He isn't exactly hiding it either??
Personally, I would calmly confront him, say you know he has been lying about where he has been going and tell him you want the truth. Now. All of it. Or you will pack his things and he can go. And if he lies, he can bugger off to his side piece, because, as two despicable liars, they deserve each other.
Honestly op, I know it is scary but you really do need to take back some control here. If you watch and wait, you won't be happy, you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Grab the other shoe and whack him about the head with it!!! (metaphorically, obviously!)

OP was the one who said herself that she would put up with if it was just sex.

And yes, the advice would absolutely be different if the people involved were younger. That’s not because the lying is any less of a betrayal but it’s about what the rest of your life looks like or can look like, OP has said she would stay if it was just sex, her concern is that he will leave her so it’s quite evident that her priority is to keep her relationship & life as is. Starting over at 30 is a different thing entirely to starting over at 65, financially, emotionally, romantically, health-wise, it’s pointless comparing the two.

She doesn't have to put up with her husband having a relationship with another woman. Equally a man of 65 can hope to live for many more years ,and wanting sex to be part of that life for as long as possible, is absolutely reasonable. If Op doesn't want to have sex with her husband and he has found an outlet for that ( and wants it to be more than a souless 'shag' with a sexworker) then she needs to think carefully. She cannot expect her husband to give up this other woman, if his life is then sexless. She doesn't have to live with him anymore if the idea of him having sex ( and love) with someone else is too much.

I would be giving her a house call when he is there.

I think it's sad when people assume that sex is the most important thing in a marriage and that without it you're just casual housemates. There should be so much more to a relationship than the sexual side of things. An orgasm isn't the be all and end all for everyone, and even if it's important to you, there are ways to satisfy a libido that don't necessitate an affair.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with pp that this is a betrayal, even if he isn't planning a divorce. Even if it's 'just' a friendship (that he's taken great pains to keep secret). If you want to try to work through this with him or want to be prepared for a split, I'd do some digging, prepare for the worst, then speak to him about it. That is, unless you can accept the secrecy and stress of waiting to learn if/when he wants a divorce. That uncertainty can poison your enjoyment of every facet of your life.

I'm surprised by the amount of being suggesting that you should just let it happen.

An affair is an affair, no matter your age. I assume you've given your life to this man so I'm really sorry this is happening.

The fact that he is lying to you is not a good sign, don't let him get away with it.

Sending you love and strength 💕

There’s a few people on here suggesting you ignore because you are 65. If you were 30 I doubt that would be the case. You still have feelings and you deserve to trust and be happy in a relationship. I would ask him carefully, watch his body language about his car at her road. See what he says. Then mention find my I phone. Before you do this I would maybe speak to a solicitor for financial reasons. It’s likely he will carry on lying and project his behaviour at you.

Op, suggest that next time he goes fishing or golfing that you'd like to also tag along - just for his company and to get some walking, sunshine etc. Ask him to give you a couple of hours notice.
See how he reacts.

Do you do anything nice together?
Do you enjoy each other's company?

The fact that he visits the divorced woman in her home alone is embarrassing for you, Op, even if nothing is happening.
Tell him you don't like the gossip of people noticing his car there.(Tell him that people have informed you.)

Can you live peacefully sharing your DH like this? OP, you seem to feel she's a better match for him so it's maybe more than just sex. In which case they're developing an emotional bond and might be making longer term plans. It would be like waiting for an axe to fall and I wouldn't trust him if he tells you it's just physical and means nothing. What would you like to happen?

When I got married I said "forsaking all others". I did not caveat that with anything, including "unless you give me sex". So, whilst I absolutely agree that a sexless marriage, if not agreed by both parties, can be soul destroying, so is infidelity.
Since op said her dh "didn't seem bothered" by the lack of sex, it has clearly not been a hot topic of discussion which he tried to resolve. If he was unhappy, he has every right to express that and, if no resolution can be found, end the relationship. What he does not have the right to do, is sneak off for some seedy side times, with a mutual friend no less, whilst pretending to play golf. That is just a shitty thing to do, which ever way you slice it.

It's really nothing to do with age, we are not ignoring. @Escapingagain

@confusedandupset99 it seems, wants to remain married and could possibly accept that her husband is having sex elsewhere, without disturbing the status quo.

Possibly unacceptable for some of us but this is her life.

"With my body I thee honour" .... and if I decide to shut that off you'll just have to put up with it. The second part is also not part of the marriage vows. People live far longer and in a far more healthy way than years ago. Perfectly reasonable to want sex. Perfectly reasonable to absolutely not want sex. Difficult for those 2 things to co exist in a very long marriage. Op can divorce him if his sneaking around, sex and lying are unmanageable for her.

He’s having an affair OP. I wouldn’t be able to not go round there when I know he was there and knock on the door.

I agree with @Gettingbysomehow . Decide what you want and take it from there.

I would also get some legal advice just in case he does say that he wants to end your marriage. Better to be prepared than not. 💐

She can absolutely do this but once she's done it there's no going back . Life will always be different. I was 30 ( and suspected something was off) when I asked my husband whether he loved me. I expected him to say ' Yes of course I do , don't be daft'. He didn't. He admitted that he didn't and hadn't for a long time. He moved out 2 days later. It set a bomb off in my life for a very long time. Never ask something you don't want the answer to

i think you are going to have to have the conversation rather instead of ignoring it. At 65 if he is unhappy for whatever reason and having an affair, he’s unlikely to want to stay unhappy for the years he has left.
It sounds like it’s likely to be more then just a physical affair if they have previously got on well, had things in common.
The other lady is 60 in all likelihood she is going to want more than him splitting his time between the 2 of you at some point and he will have to make a choice.
In your shoes I’d rather have the conversation and know then dread him springing the news on me that he was leaving on a random day in the future.

A few of my parents friends split from their relationships in their late 50’s/60, I don’t think it’s uncommon as people grown apart as their children leave home etc

I’m baffled by the poster saying if you don’t have a sexual relationship then you are only housemates. Presumably all women are meant to go on ad infinitum then regardless of age or no longer feeling sexual . We clearly have an awful lot of 60s/70s /80 year old married women relegated to being known as ‘the housemate’ - I’m 63 OP and similar to you - if my H starts lying and seeing someone else but expecting all his domestic needs covered off and his finances to remain in tact then unlike some on here , I’m out, 63 or not . I would firstly be making sure you know what you are entitled to and how your assets stand - and think about your options- and then being the kind of person I am I would probably pop round whilst he is ‘playing golf’ ring the doorbell and ask what’s going on and what he wants to do about it in front of the woman too - if it’s just sex, he can say that in front of her and you decide what you want to do - if it’s not then at least you know where you stand - I would actually quite enjoy making her feel shitty too - but that’s me !

People have affairs at any age and 65 is young to give up sex. My DH did not give it up till he was nearly 79, as he died. Doubt he would have given it up had he not died. I am a bit miffed I had to give it up too, but more miffed that he died since this was not on the calendar for that week. If your DH is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere and is otherwise ok with you, since you don't want to have a sexual relationship, I'd let it be. A good book is supposed to be an excellent substitute for a DH.

I am gobsmacked by some of the responses on this thread - particular the "without a physical relationship there is no meaningful marriage"

So a marriage without sex is not really a marriage - wow! I have a chronic condition that means me and DHs physical relationship has taken a dramatic downturn - does that give him the right to go and get his rocks of elsewhere? Of course not.

FWIW my and DH have a very healthy marriage and are by no means "housemates"

Fair enough if OP doesn't want to have sex and she and her DH discuss the implications of that but he's done this without even consulting her. He is likely cheating on her and in almost every other thread of this nature the OP is told to LTB

Exactly this! I'm really disappointed by some of the posts on this thread.

I'm 65 - absolutely no way would I accept my partner cheating on me now, anymore than I would have done when I was 35! Why should I?

So intimacy has fizzled out a bit - we hear that from many posters on here in their 30s who are struggling with young families etc... don't recall any posters suggesting that they 'outsource' sex to another woman!!
This is really smacks of ageism.

OP - think about what you really want, maybe see a solicitor and get some idea of how things would be for you if you divorced...if it was me I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of him if he was cheating. Take control of your own life.