Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

If it was me I would have to confront him, he’s your husband he isn’t free to be meeting women and lying to you . If you don’t you risk this destroying you .

And you DO have a chat about deciding you no longer wish to have a sexual relationship with your husband. That's not the same as a chat about what to watch on TV or what to have for dinner.

I believe it reveals a lot about your own relationship if you think that completely ceasing the sexual element of the relationship is akin to deciding to eat more vegetables! All I can say is that this would not be the case for me if DH decided unilaterally to stop having sex (or didn't decide but was obliged to stop for whatever reason). I can think of few more important and impactful changes which could occur in my marriage, but I accept this may not be the case for everyone.

Maybe their sex life gradually slowed down. Maybe they have spoken about it- you are assuming that there has been no conversations at all, but unless I missed a post I can't see where OP has said that. You are making a lot of assumptions. Why are you doing that?

If my husband stopped wanting sex and it was bothering me I would bring it up. As an adult I am able to start conversations about things that are bothering me, I wouldn't just go and shag someone else. Would you honestly just sit there like a wallflower and say nothing?

It doesn't matter if OP brought the subject up or not, he's got a mouth, he could have opened it to talk if he cared enough. He probably didn't, as he is happy enough to have sex elsewhere.

I am sorry you are going through this OP.

This might seem a weird question, are things otherwise good? If you don't want to have sex with him maybe this is actually a good solution (unless you can't live with that and would prefer divorce). Plenty of people have happy relationships like this.

Exactly this. Some of the posters scrabbling around to exonerate the dh's behaviour at any cost are coming across as very odd.

I have been in a situation in a long marriage where intimacy gradually fizzled out...we neither of us mentioned it and I assumed that we'd both just lost a bit of interest in the physical side of things. We were still very much married in that we shared our lives in every way (lived and worked together, had children, dealt with all the many, many issues that come up in a relationship such as finances, aging parents, health/mental health issues, future plans and dreams etc.) I would have been absolutely devastated if he'd just decided to pop round the corner and start shagging an old friend without a word to me about being unhappy!!

OP - ignore the nonsense that some posters have written on here, you are completely entitled to feel really hurt and upset by his behaviour!

I wish I’d never found out.

@confusedandupset99, I’m very sorry about your H’s deception and the pain he is inflicting.

This is indeed a frightening trauma, but in my view it’s best to know what is actually going on in your life and marriage. Your H’s double life is a massive betrayal, and I would confront him asap.

He has stolen your agency and begun an affair with your mutual ‘Friend’ who has hankered for him as her perfect match. His lying to you about his true whereabouts points to their illicit connection, which, given their history of mutual validation, is likely both emotional and physical.

After decades of a rich life together, marriage, and three children, you deserve his respect, honesty, fidelity, and transparency. You deserved a serious conversation about the lack of sexual intimacy and what that meant for your relationship. Although he had ethical options to use to deal with his issues, he has chosen to cheat and make a mockery of you.

@confusedandupset99, find your fierceness and tackle this immediately. Why sit by passively while H and OW deepen their intimacy at your expense? Knowledge is strength. Investigate his phone, etc. if you want, and make the smart move of consulting with a solicitor to learn your legal and financial options. Confront him and inform him that you know about his lies and his rendezvous with Ms. Perfect Match … that you are not prepared to be made a fool of.

Sending you my positive thoughts and support.

That must be really horrible for you. Unfortunately I think if they are sleeping together and really like each other it's very likely that they will want a full relationship. I'm so sorry.

Disputing if a sexless marriage gives the H the green light to go elsewhere, is being deliberately obtuse.
What about him talking to his wife of decades first ? With whom he made vows & had children ?
Why not try & rekindle the sex life? Before lying & going elsewhere weekly ?
The OP is not the only one at fault if their sex life dwindled.

What a disgraceful response.

Dh is 60 so not that much younger, although I am, I would consider such behaviour in the same way I would have 20 years ago. There is absolutely no difference.

The lack of sex night not be a problem for some, but definitely needs discussing openly, because I do think it's unfair to addume one person is ok with it. Equally having an affair and lying is not a solution and is a huge betrayal. It sounds like communication isn't great. If I stopped wanting a physical relationship with DH, I would discuss it with him and understand how he feels.

@MsDogLady great post

@Arrivederla personally I think they are either men , women happily knocking off married men so need to justify their reasons , or some kind of hand maiden type that think the man rules the roost and it’s up to the women to keep them ‘serviced’ in all ways- kind of person who doesn’t know the difference between ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ - would they say the same to some 41 year old with 2 small kids who is ‘off sex ‘ I wonder or a disabled lady or is it specially reserved for the post menopausal .

I wouldn't. It's ridiculous to me and inauthentic. I'd just move on.

I am baffled by the women (though they could be men, admittedly) on this thread who think the OP should put up and shut up.

I'm old enough to remember the outrage directed at (then) Prince Charles over 30 years ago when the stories started to break about his infidelity (and yes, I know Diana was no saint, but he never had any intention of keeping his wedding vows, and he deceived a 19 year old girl dreadfully.)

I can't believe we are still dealing with Victorian-style levels of male sexual entitlement and deceitful coverup, enabled by women in this instance. It's mindboggling. If OP's husband wants a sexual relationship outside of his marriage, he should ask for a divorce and be prepared for OP to tell people the reason behind it.

I absolutely don't think the OP should put up with it. They each need to communicate with the other about the way forward. She does not have to give a reason why she has ended their sex life, that is her prerogative, no-one has to have sex if they don't want to, but equally, he does not have to agree to a sexless marriage when that has never been discussed. This whole thing is an illustration of lack of communication and making assumptions.

@emilysquest you don’t know it wasn’t discussed- nowhere has OP actually said that it was never discussed and she said that ‘he seemed ok with it’

This has been a frankly amazing and disheartening read. Unless plenty of posters here are secretly sock puppet accounts for Boris Johnson and Andrew Tate, that is. Shame on posters suggesting in any way that due to OP’s life stage she should put up and shut up. Unless you can honestly say that you’d be prepared to do the same, in the same circumstances. I am not in my sixties yet but hope to get there and when and if I do that does not give my husband the right to concealed infidelity and betrayal, not matter what is happening for me physically or psychologically. To imply that he then somehow has the right to this kind of behaviour is appalling. And this thread has highlighted a massive amount of prejudice around age that wouldn’t be tolerated in any other area like mental health, obesity, religion or sexuality. How depressing.

@Serendipity12 totally agree - and the idea that the majority of women of 65 are still wanting rampant sex lives simply isn’t my lived experience ( and I’m 63) yes some may - but it’s by no means all - not by a long way - a lot of blokes that age aren’t over bothered either - less so admittedly but presumably plenty value other aspects of the relationships rather more than needing to deceive their partners/wives - imagine if we said the same about young mums - well you aren’t that interested in sex anymore but have 2 young kids so despite the fact your H is online dating/shagging your friend /sexting influencers- you just have to put up and shut up because your options are limited .

Completely agree. Some really awful posts on here.

Unless plenty of posters here are secretly sock puppet accounts for Boris Johnson and Andrew Tate, that is.

I've never seen or read any AT output but as a massive misogynist wouldn't he be anti-marriage and therefore in the divorce camp? And BJ has had two divorces. Hardly likely to be an advocate for staying in an imperfect marriage. I'm pretty sure both would say split up and live their best lives as singles in this (or any) situation.

Not really relevant to the thread but they seem odd choices as advocates of staying married.

I’m 65 and would love some rampant sex!

@BoldAmberDuck indeed, as I said some do- but many don’t - it’s a really individual thing - I’ve got several friends in their 40s who really aren’t bothered too - but one who is the total opposite

You don't have to want "rampant sex" to have an expectation that sex is an important part of your relationship. Whatever age you are.

And you don’t have to want “ rampant sex” to expect that a basic level of communication and honesty is part of a decades long relationship. With vows. To argue otherwise is to be obtuse.
Whatever age you are.