TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

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So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

I can’t believe there could be any response other than leaving or trying to reason/rationalise the sexual assault and coercion of a MINOR let alone it being a family member.

It’s a valid choice of the sister not to pursue it legally although I’m surprised she’s not going fully NC with him but you have to safeguard your children. I’d be self referring to SS.

I feel for you OP, this is a really shitty situation, particularly with a new baby too but you need to think this through.

When your husband was 16 he tried to shag his 13 year old sister and all you can say is “eurgh”. This can’t be real? Nobody in their right mind would stay with someone after that. Yes, kids do silly things, but incest isn’t generally one of them….

I disagree with most posters. What he did was horrendous, no question about it. Had he been prosecuted at the time he would have faced prison time, and your relationship likely would never have started.

But he wasn't. And you do have a long term relationship with kids and all.

So 30 years later he's not the same person as he was then. He's not minimising or denying it. He's desperate to undo it, but you can't unring a bell.

He's a 45 year old good man with the weight of something horrible he did many years ago. Many of had have done really nasty things in our teens (albeit not sa), and if he's grown from realising his follies, and really changed as a person, you should accept him for who he is now.

I think you need to get off this thread and take up that posters signpost to get some non judgemental help for both of you. This isn’t going to to help you being in here right now. My advice, get appropriate help to figure things out and ask for this to be deleted. X

He definitely needs to tell social services - he could anonymise his sister and just say "sexually assaulted and attempted rape of a family member under the age of 16" but social services need to know about this. If he doesn't own up to them, you need to tell them for the safety of your children

Social services would not remove our children. I feel that you are trying to scare me. It’s not helpful. I am 100% certain he not a current risk to children and would act immediately if I had any doubt about that.

I empathise with OP's DH's sister. I was abused by my older brother as a child. The difference was that we were both children when it started (2.5 year age gap, and I can't remember when it started but it was the first half of primary school. It ended when I was 12 or so. It's complex. My brother and I have never spoken about it, but we are on good terms now and I trust him implicitly with both his and my children. We had a complex upbringing, and I have a huge amount I'm working through in therapy, but he is absolutely not a risk to children - or anyone else. I know folks on here may not believe this, because there is a lot of very black and white thinking here, but there is a spectrum of nuanced grey area here.

That's not to say, OP, that you shouldn't leave, or that your husband is safe around your children, or that you will be able to get over it. Just that sibling sexual abuse is incredibly complex, and more common than most people would like to believe.

He is not a risk to children. I’m certain of that.

Wtf? A hormonal-raging teen being attracted to his sister who's a couple of years younger than him, does not equal a danger to his own kids at 45. Not when there's never been a hint of sexual improperiety since.

I’m sorry you experienced that and thank you so much for your thoughtful post.

He hasn’t taken full accountability until he’s reported himself to the police and social services.

To quote Lionel Shriver: sometimes we have to be judged by our one-offs.

He committed a crime. A serious, life-defining crime. You can't just say 'But I only murdered/raped someone that one time.' If, and it's a big if, he was never sexually predatory with anyone else, it will only be because he lacked the opportunity.

I am a survivor of adult SA and no, I could absolutely not be with someone who had sexually assaulted their own 13yo sister and attempted to rape her. Share his bed? Treat him as my intimate partner? Be partially supported by his salary, all because, what, I'm afraid to be alone? The idea is revolting.

You need to tell social services. Genuinely, you could be culpable if this comes out later and you didn't tell the relevant authorities and kept him around your children. I think you need to tell them if only to protect yourself from it all

Presumably though before your sister-in-law's revelation and his admission, you would have sworn up and down that your husband had never been an incestuous child-molester either?

Unfortunately, I don't think you know this man quite as well as you think you do.

You simply can't know that he is no longer a risk to children. He certainly was at one point. The recommendation of counselling to help you unravel all your feelings about this in a safe and non-judgemental space with a professional sounds like a good idea.

It is helpful to hear the different views to be honest. It’s helping me to figure out how I’m feeling about it

CSA survivor here. I currently have no answers for your other questions (not sure if I might be triggered) but this one alone I will answer - if your sister in law has told you that she doesn't want to report, please respect her wishes. She may not be ready to disclose anything to the public and her wish absolutely must be respected.

OP, her wishes take priority over everything else now. Don't throw her under the bus and push her to talk to strangers because you or your husband wants to take some righteous path. Whatever she wants to do now legally, will have to come from her own autonomy.

You cannot be certain of that.

You really need some advice on safeguarding your children because, as it stands, this man has admitted sexually assaulting a young teenager, and all you're doing is making excuses and saying he isn't a risk.

Clearly his parents didn't think he was a risk either when he sexually assaulted his sister.

Are you really willing to take that risk with your children?

OP, I am sympathetic to you and this horrendous situation. May I ask you, if someone had asked you before this all came out if your husband was capable of the sexual assault and attempted rape of his sister, would your answer be ‘he would not do that. I’m certain of that’?
I very much suspect that would be where your response would be, quite reasonably, about a man you share a life and children with.
You can’t ever be certain he isn’t a risk here, you can be 99% sure but you can never know for certain. No one can ever fully know what another person is capable of, he has previous form. And even that 1% doubt, that should be enough for you to start to make moves to protect your children.

Your gut is your best guide to how you’re feeling about it. Good luck and wish you the best with it. X

Social services would do exactly that! Because they'd want a damn good reason why you didn't remove them from his presence. Having a feeling that he wouldn't harm them wouldn't wash with them.

Your husband sexually assaulted his sister when she was 13. I'm astounded you don't think social services would do anything to protect them even if you won't.

I am sorry you went through that. I agree that it should be her choice.

I totally understand that. Before all of this, would you have been 100% certain that he wouldn’t have sexually assaulted his sister?

I’m not trying to trick you, it’s truly awful for you. Im sure they wouldn’t take your children away, if he was removed from the situation.

But others are right - seek advice from professional organisations on this. Good luck 💐 xx

Fucking hell.

Counselling for both of you. Not together.

OP, you say he’s trying to atone for it. What is he doing? How is he behaving? What is he saying? Has he organised counselling? Is he acting normal? This will tell you a lot about the man he is. Saying “sorry” is easy.