TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

I wouldn't be letting my DH be alone with any of my children,if I was in this situation.. certainly no nappy changes or helping in the bathroom.
I think
I'd actually ask him to leave while I gathered my thoughts.
And I don't think there would be any way back for him .
It's going to have to be reported, because otherwise he's going to have access to the children when the op and her DH separate

Nothing to suggest “sexual predator”, other than the sexually predatory thing he already did you mean?

That's lovely for him. He still didn't confess to the police that he sexually abused his own sister, though, did he?

He's not sorry he did it. He's sorry he got found out.

This is absolute madness. How can you be making excuses for this and even considering staying. He sexually abused his younger sibling. I have had two fifteen year olds, they absolutely know right from wrong at that age. This is one of the worst things I've ever read on here.

Also strange there's been two posts on here in relation to incest between siblings today.

I have brothers and sisters and we had a very traumatic childhood but none of us ever sexually abused each other.
An affair is nothing and does not make you into an abuser.

Anyone who does this is not right mentally (no offence to anyone) and that doesn’t just leave you.

Was he sexually abused himself?

The fact that he was so old makes it even worse.
If he was 11 and was being sexually abused, then I would understand it more.

This in itself is absolutely shocking and you must feel so overwhelmed right now but what I would also be concerned about is how this mindset could very easily still be there.

A lot of people don’t realise that peadophiles are developmentally stuck and no matter how old they get, they will only ever truly be attracted to a certain age group.
Their brains are not wired right and they don’t just grow out of it.

Every peadophile that I have worked with has showed an inappropriate interest during childhood/adolescence and usually it involved sibling abuse.

I would obviously deal with the revelation of what he did but I’d also be extremely careful of him around children, especially his own children.

The first thing he needs to do is go to therapy that specialises in this area and work out why he did this.
It would be worth you going to one too because this is too big to deal with on your own.

So if his sister aged 13 had ‘agreed’ - he’d have raped her. 13 is too young for informed consent. As it is he sexually sssaulted her. No going back no excuses.

It’s a horrible situation for you 🥺, but there’s no answer apart from separation from him. But that means of course a sex offender (though not reported to the police) is then looking after your children without you there.

Would the sister not consider reporting him?

Well
If he is truly repentant
He will hand himself in at the police station, report the crime himself and take his punishment.
Anything else and he's not truly sorry

I'd imagine if I were the sister I wouldn't want to report it as I wouldn't want to risk it being in the public domain that id had sexual relations with my own brother, even though she was sexually assaulted at 13. Poor woman.

Not making excuses. It’s wrong. He knows it’s wrong. He’s taken full accountability. I’m trying to make sense of the disconnect between what I see now and what he did then.

I find your post so offensive.

This poor woman has been carrying this around with her her whole life. Feeling I’m sure a deep sense of shame and you wonder why she’s now told her DM?

@ParkFunRunRun I fear you have been drawn in to a really unhealthy dynamic in your H's family. The way you are talking about this is so removed from the enormity of what your SIL has disclosed. You sound very detached, perhaps isolated? Do you have your own independent close friends and/or family?

If so, I would recommend imagining telling your own siblings/parents/close friends what you have said here. How do you imagine that conversation going?

I strongly recommend speaking to a charity that deals with partners/families of sexual offenders to get some advice.

But then if she doesn’t want that isn’t that taking control away from her? He’s said he will be completely compliant with any legal process.

You are making excuses, you've said he's not shown any sexually predatory behaviour, that he went through alot of growth in his 20s, that his dad had an affair and his mum had to do everything (big wow) that she was only two years younger. It's all excuses.

Good idea.

I get that it’s not as simple as just leaving him immediately after (I assume) years of marriage and children together. I think MN can be very quick to say stuff like bin him immediately or go no contact with your own parent or whatever. Things aren’t that black and white. And advice like that isn’t helpful to you - if you’d immediately made up your mind to leave him you wouldn’t be asking the question on here. What he’s done is horrendous but sexual abuse between siblings happens MUCH more than people think. His age is relevant here - was he not long turned 15 or 16 nearly 17? The latter I would hold him far more responsible than the former. His adult brain isn’t the same as his teenage brain. Just because he did this awful thing as a teenager doesn’t mean he turned into an abuser as an adult (as you know) and doesn’t mean he’s a peadofile. He was not much older than his sister, it’s completely different to an adult man abusing a teenage girl. Of course, that doesn’t make it ok, nothing will ever make it ok. I personally would struggle with attraction/having sex with him after knowing what he did. The decision to stay with him or not is completely yours but i would suggest counselling for both of you.

No it’s not. There was no excuse. But I’m trying to make sense of it.

How has he taken full accountability if he hasn't reported himself to social services and the police?

You need to stop saying that until he does take responsibility and let the relevant authorities know. His children are at risk

Victim blaming at its finest.

You CAN'T make sense of an older brother sexually assaulting his little sister. There is no sense to be made from it. Ever.

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. That really sums up what I’m trying to figure out.

I hope that his sister does pluck up the courage eventually to report him.

He's getting away with it now, and him "doing all he can" is likely a large part of doing everything he can to ensure she never feels able to take it further.

I imagine his panic is immense. Hopefully he'll always feel it even if she does decide to never report him.

If she does, expect social services to be asking you why you didn't remove your children from this man. And expect them to help with that, not with you in the picture though.

She doesn’t want that. He’s offered.

He still will have access he isnt convicted and even if he was he would still get some

My brother abused me, younger, I've never said anything so his sister has guts and you need to listen. I cannot believe he "forgot" about it. She will have had this tormenting her for years. He needs to never attend another event when she is present. He can't get to carry on like it's all normal.

I don't think the question is whether you would want to be with him. I think the question is whether he's a safe parent. I think the answer to that is you will never know. So you need to protect your dc the best way you can.

How old are your kids with this man, @ParkFunRunRun ?

If you leave him (I would) my concern would be him having lone access to any joint children.