Page 2 | TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

ParkFunRunRun · 2025-04-27T10:49:32+00:00

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness. He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings. We have DC. Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think? He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

Uricon2 · 27/04/2025 12:11

Like I say, nothing remotely to suggest sexual predator with me.

There are plenty of women reeling from the arrests of their "perfectly OK with them" husbands who have predated on children. If he wasn't your husband, is he someone you would be happy to have around your kids, given what you now know about him?

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 12:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:02

Jesus, that’s absolutely horrifying. Are you planning to have sex with him again now you know this? I couldn’t even look at him.

This. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him, let alone bed. How do you know he won't abuse your DC or any other women? It's clearly in him to put his wants above others rights to be safe. 🤮

okydokethen · 27/04/2025 12:12

He was likely abused himself.

Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:12

umahhaha · 27/04/2025 11:59

Is this a joke? Any 16 year old knows incest is wrong! Give your head a wobble.

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Yes. You know it’s wrong but teenage accelerator brain. Plus his dad is a bit misogynistic and was having an affair. His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff. So his models were not great. He’s grown as a person since then.

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Anewdawnanewname · 27/04/2025 12:13

She was 13 and he was trying to bribe her; even if she had said yes, it would have been rape. So I suppose it’s not thankful that she said no, but thankful that he didn’t go through with the rape that he’d considered and put in motion when he approached and coerced her.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 27/04/2025 12:13

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And apparently it’s a mystery as to why arrest and conviction rates are so low for sexual assault and rape against women.
Then you realise people like this actually exist, and suddenly it all becomes clear….

umahhaha · 27/04/2025 12:15

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:12

Yes. You know it’s wrong but teenage accelerator brain. Plus his dad is a bit misogynistic and was having an affair. His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff. So his models were not great. He’s grown as a person since then.

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You are minimising and making excuses. Grim.

Uricon2 · 27/04/2025 12:15

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:12

Yes. You know it’s wrong but teenage accelerator brain. Plus his dad is a bit misogynistic and was having an affair. His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff. So his models were not great. He’s grown as a person since then.

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This isn't someone messing around with weed or having an underage drink because he's got a difficult home life. Most of us with siblings we've grown up with (I recognise meeting them as adults can be a different story) feel physical repulsion at the thought of sexual contact with them.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:16

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:07

Yes. Before I knew. Had I known all this at the start I’d not have started a long term relationship. But kids, marriage and mortgage now. Like I say, nothing remotely to suggest sexual predator with me.

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Right. So you have children with a man who the evidence suggests is sexually attracted to both minors and blood relations - and is (or at least was at one point) willing to act on that attraction.

You seem very matter of fact about all this. Never mind 'the ick', I'd be taking my children as far away from this man as possible.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 27/04/2025 12:17

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:12

Yes. You know it’s wrong but teenage accelerator brain. Plus his dad is a bit misogynistic and was having an affair. His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff. So his models were not great. He’s grown as a person since then.

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Well, the bottom line is, are you happy to be in a relationship with someone who is not only a sex offender, but against someone in his own family - and he has access to your own children unsupervised I presume - and it sounds like you are given the apologist stance you’re taking.

thehorsesareallidiots · 27/04/2025 12:17

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Thanks for being today's demonstration of just how vile and pervasive rape culture is.

He sexually assaulted his own below-the-age-of-consent sister, he wanted to rape her, he was fully old enough to know what he was doing, he's literally admitted it, and you're scrabbling around to find ways that it's her fault and "not that bad" and obviously she has ulterior motives in disclosing that her own brother tried to rape her.

highstoolfling · 27/04/2025 12:19

I’m so sorry for you. This is such a shock. 3 months ago I came on here disclosing that my daughter told me my husband was looking at her in shower. I got support but I also got lots of “omg you’re obviously stupid if you haven’t already kicked him out”. I have since had counselling and the non-abusing half of a marriage can expect lots of judgement. You’re reeling from the shock and I understand. You can’t connect the heinous act with the person you know and love. Please take your time. Get good therapy. This was child abuse so I found the child abuse charity directed me to an excellent service for non abusers that are in relationships with the abuser or the abused. I am still navigating this and it’s so hard especially seen as we still need to co parent together. All my good wishes for you. It’s absolutely heartbreaking for your children. . . .

Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:19

Uricon2 · 27/04/2025 12:11

Like I say, nothing remotely to suggest sexual predator with me.

There are plenty of women reeling from the arrests of their "perfectly OK with them" husbands who have predated on children. If he wasn't your husband, is he someone you would be happy to have around your kids, given what you now know about him?

Edited

Interesting.

Probably not. No.

But a 15/16 year old will have different sexual attractions than a 45 year old. Nothing I see gives me concern that he would still be attracted to underage people.

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Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:21

highstoolfling · 27/04/2025 12:19

I’m so sorry for you. This is such a shock. 3 months ago I came on here disclosing that my daughter told me my husband was looking at her in shower. I got support but I also got lots of “omg you’re obviously stupid if you haven’t already kicked him out”. I have since had counselling and the non-abusing half of a marriage can expect lots of judgement. You’re reeling from the shock and I understand. You can’t connect the heinous act with the person you know and love. Please take your time. Get good therapy. This was child abuse so I found the child abuse charity directed me to an excellent service for non abusers that are in relationships with the abuser or the abused. I am still navigating this and it’s so hard especially seen as we still need to co parent together. All my good wishes for you. It’s absolutely heartbreaking for your children. . . .

I remember your thread. Thank you for posting. Thanks for the advice and understanding.

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Jennalong · 27/04/2025 12:21

If 16 and it was his sister's friend at 13 , still abhorrent and very wrong ( and illegal ) but his sister !
You need to rethink your relationship or at the very least get some outside help such as counselling for you both .
I'm not sure how you can come back from this .

TheGamblersGone · 27/04/2025 12:21

I was insane at that age. I’d talk to him about it. Get the full story

Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:24

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That was the end of it as far as I know. So a sex act but not full sex. He accepted the ‘no’ and he’d forgotten about it.

The timing is interesting but I don’t blame her for that. May be now his mum is seeing the not so good side of him, may be she felt brave enough? Regardless- I’m glad she has spoken out and I’m glad he’s offering to redress it in any way she wants.

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Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:24

TheGamblersGone · 27/04/2025 12:21

I was insane at that age. I’d talk to him about it. Get the full story

Got his full story. He did it. He knows it was hideously wrong. He’s doing what he can to put it right.

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Doteycat · 27/04/2025 12:25

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:12

Yes. You know it’s wrong but teenage accelerator brain. Plus his dad is a bit misogynistic and was having an affair. His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff. So his models were not great. He’s grown as a person since then.

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Ya i know someone who had this kind of experience too.
Only he didnt try rape his sister.
WTAF are you thinking not leaving this man and getting as far away as you can.

Mamabear487 · 27/04/2025 12:28

Why are you making excuses for him? What if he does that to your kids????

Butchyrestingface · 27/04/2025 12:28

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The timing isn't remotely 'convenient'. Convenient timing would have been BEFORE this OP - or any other woman - married her brother and had kids with him.

Who cares what the sister hopes to achieve? He isn't denying any of it. She probably just wants to achieve only ever having to minimally interact or see him ever again, which sounds entirely reasonable. Imagine sitting with that secret for 30 years as a victim.

Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:28

thehorsesareallidiots · 27/04/2025 12:17

Thanks for being today's demonstration of just how vile and pervasive rape culture is.

He sexually assaulted his own below-the-age-of-consent sister, he wanted to rape her, he was fully old enough to know what he was doing, he's literally admitted it, and you're scrabbling around to find ways that it's her fault and "not that bad" and obviously she has ulterior motives in disclosing that her own brother tried to rape her.

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Absolutely not her fault. I haven’t said that. His fault entirely. And it is that bad.

The question is can I get over it. Can I continue in a relationship with him.

Im glad she disclosed. I’m glad she felt brave enough. I’m glad he’s handling how I would hope he would.

Whether or not she can forgive him I don’t know.

The question for me is can I? Can I move past this? I will always have to co-parent with him.

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Sparklybutold · 27/04/2025 12:29

I am in a similar situation as the victim. Your conundrum is exactly one of the main reasons I haven't said anything - I dontwant to be the cause of this type of fall out - sadly, in this case, that ship has sailed.

I can't imagine you will ever look at your husband the same again. From what you've said she doesn't want to prosecute? How much of your/his family know? At this stage I think I'd be suggesting couples counselling - however, the therapist may decide to do a safeguarding referral depending on the age of your children now.

I'm not saying this to exonerate him, but SA/rape and incest is sadly common and for every one that comes out, many more remain hidden.

In a way, youve become a bystander victim of this, as have your children. What do you need right now? Can you take a break? Stay with family? Can you talk to someone you trust? Do you feel ready to talk with him about it - be honest with him.

Original poster

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:30

Butchyrestingface · 27/04/2025 12:28

The timing isn't remotely 'convenient'. Convenient timing would have been BEFORE this OP - or any other woman - married her brother and had kids with him.

Who cares what the sister hopes to achieve? He isn't denying any of it. She probably just wants to achieve only ever having to minimally interact or see him ever again, which sounds entirely reasonable. Imagine sitting with that secret for 30 years as a victim.

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Yes. The family are very much a ‘sweep
it all under the carpet and try to look normal’ so I’m glad this falling out gave her the opportunity to speak out. She’s a people pleaser so it took guts.

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Butchyrestingface · 27/04/2025 12:31

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:19

Interesting.

Probably not. No.

But a 15/16 year old will have different sexual attractions than a 45 year old. Nothing I see gives me concern that he would still be attracted to underage people.

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Are you concerned he might still want to sleep with his sister now? He did then.

What justification or insight into his frame of mind did he provide, if any?

I'd leave him regardless though.