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Original poster

TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

420 replies

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:49

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

OP posts:
thestudio · 27/04/2025 12:34

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:24

Got his full story. He did it. He knows it was hideously wrong. He’s doing what he can to put it right.

Show quote history

The thing is OP, it can't be put right.

That was the choice he made when he did it.

That's something that everyone understands at 15-16. The kind of out-of-control teenagers that you compare him to don't do things like this. he may have successfully papered over the cracks but this reveals something fundamental in him.

Regardless of whether you should leave him on this basis (you should - of course) you will never be able to forget that he did it and it will overshadow your relationship and particularly your sexual relationship forever. Either you will have to work to repress it (in which case you will be damaging yourself) or it will be in your mind every time you have sex.

You will also (rightly) be wondering whether he could break that taboo again with your own children, and what other taboos he might be capable of breaking.

Also - he had not forgotten about it. He's lying about that.

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:34

Sparklybutold · 27/04/2025 12:29

I am in a similar situation as the victim. Your conundrum is exactly one of the main reasons I haven't said anything - I dontwant to be the cause of this type of fall out - sadly, in this case, that ship has sailed.

I can't imagine you will ever look at your husband the same again. From what you've said she doesn't want to prosecute? How much of your/his family know? At this stage I think I'd be suggesting couples counselling - however, the therapist may decide to do a safeguarding referral depending on the age of your children now.

I'm not saying this to exonerate him, but SA/rape and incest is sadly common and for every one that comes out, many more remain hidden.

In a way, youve become a bystander victim of this, as have your children. What do you need right now? Can you take a break? Stay with family? Can you talk to someone you trust? Do you feel ready to talk with him about it - be honest with him.

Thats a heavy weight to carry. I’m sorry this happened to you. Thank you for your thoughtful questions.

For what it’s worth I’m glad she spoke out. For her and for him so he can atone.

Although this is hard, I’m glad I know.

We have talked about it and I think I’ve got the full picture. So has his mum. I can’t fault how he’s handled it as the 45 year old he is now.

OP posts:
LandSharksAnonymous · 27/04/2025 12:35

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Oh for fuck sake.

Yes we all do stupid things when we're 15. 99.9% of us don't go around sexually assaulting or abusing our bloody siblings.

There's no coming back from this and I would move heaven and earth to make sure he was never around my children again.

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:35

thestudio · 27/04/2025 12:34

The thing is OP, it can't be put right.

That was the choice he made when he did it.

That's something that everyone understands at 15-16. The kind of out-of-control teenagers that you compare him to don't do things like this. he may have successfully papered over the cracks but this reveals something fundamental in him.

Regardless of whether you should leave him on this basis (you should - of course) you will never be able to forget that he did it and it will overshadow your relationship and particularly your sexual relationship forever. Either you will have to work to repress it (in which case you will be damaging yourself) or it will be in your mind every time you have sex.

You will also (rightly) be wondering whether he could break that taboo again with your own children, and what other taboos he might be capable of breaking.

Also - he had not forgotten about it. He's lying about that.

Edited
Show quote history

True.

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 27/04/2025 12:35

I was raped at age 12 by a 19 year old and two of his friends. It was nearly 50 years ago but it still upsets me that he got away with it. I messaged his wife and told her. I don't know what the outcome was but I hope she left him. I still live with the trauma and to me he doesn't deserve a normal happy life.

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:36

LandSharksAnonymous · 27/04/2025 12:35

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Oh for fuck sake.

Yes we all do stupid things when we're 15. 99.9% of us don't go around sexually assaulting or abusing our bloody siblings.

There's no coming back from this and I would move heaven and earth to make sure he was never around my children again.

There is no evidence that he is a current danger to children. There was only two years between them. He’d be horrified by the idea of it now. Nothing at all to indicate he’s a current risk.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 27/04/2025 12:36

Just had a quick look through your replies - aside from couples counselling I think it would be wise for him to have counselling first, to explore these early years and how it contributed to the decision and the impact it has had on him.

I also think there should be an offer of financial renumeration for any out of pocket expenses his sister has in terms of therapy.

One question which may be hard to reflect upon - what answer would you give your daughter if she was in your shoes?

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:37

MrsSlocombesCat · 27/04/2025 12:35

I was raped at age 12 by a 19 year old and two of his friends. It was nearly 50 years ago but it still upsets me that he got away with it. I messaged his wife and told her. I don't know what the outcome was but I hope she left him. I still live with the trauma and to me he doesn't deserve a normal happy life.

I’m so sorry you went through that.

OP posts:
ClaudiaDark · 27/04/2025 12:37

I doubt he "forget about it". I would divorce him, without question. He sexually abused his own sister and tried to rape her. Poor woman. She's clearly been struggling all her life with this horrific secret. And I feel for you too. What an awful shock.

Butchyrestingface · 27/04/2025 12:38

LandSharksAnonymous · 27/04/2025 12:35

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Oh for fuck sake.

Yes we all do stupid things when we're 15. 99.9% of us don't go around sexually assaulting or abusing our bloody siblings.

There's no coming back from this and I would move heaven and earth to make sure he was never around my children again.

I too am slightly chilled by the people on this thread saying, "Och, it's not that bad. I was all sorts of cray cray at that age too."

DID YOU MOLEST AND TRY TO FORCE YOUR YOUNGER SIBLING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU when you were 16?

If yes, seek help. And stay away from kids in the meantime.

If not, shut up.

MsCactus · 27/04/2025 12:38

Oh this is so upsetting. She was only 13, a child, so her first sexual experience was her brother forcing her into a sex act?

Genuinely it's so horrifying. It must have scarred her relationships for life. You must leave him OP, there's no excuse for what he's done and once your kids start to go through puberty I don't think they'll be safe around him

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:39

muggart · 27/04/2025 12:04

I agree and I do think it’s theoretically possible that he has changed if he has gone through a lot of soul searching since then to move past childhood trauma.

Show quote history

He went through a lot of change in his twenties.

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2025 12:39

I think you are in shock op. How else could you even be in the same room as a man who did this to his own sister?

Mrsbloggz · 27/04/2025 12:39

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:55

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Would this be it for you?

I think if he’d minimised it, denied it, tried to avoid accountability I’d be much clearer.

Show quote history

I was also pretty crazy when I was 15 /16 but not to the extent that I would want to have sex with my 13 year old sibling.

Doteycat · 27/04/2025 12:40

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:39

He went through a lot of change in his twenties.

Show quote history

Didnt we all.,
Still didnt assault anyone.
STOP trying to excuse it.

Summerseagull · 27/04/2025 12:40

If that was my DH
My first thought would be if my daughter was safe from him.
And then I'd think about other females in the family at the time it happened
It's very unlikely he only abused his sister
I would be expecting other revelations.
I can remember being 16
I knew right from wrong ,we all do stupid things in life ,but this ....
This is something ingrained in someone ,that I expect he's tried very hard to hide and keep on top of .

Discoprincess6 · 27/04/2025 12:42

Are you for real?

shes been sexually abused as a child. It’s not up to you to determine the length of time period she’s allowed before coming forward.

her life is ruined and her family is broken because of that despicable paedophile because that’s what he is.

OP should run and if she doesn’t then her children should be taken off her. She should have nothing to do with the sick monster.

that poor girl growing up with that always there. Also how do you know that it was just the once OP, she might not be ready to disclose it all.

i can think of much better ways to grab attention. I’d want to cause to more then a rift between him and my mum if this was me.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:43

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:36

There is no evidence that he is a current danger to children. There was only two years between them. He’d be horrified by the idea of it now. Nothing at all to indicate he’s a current risk.

Show quote history

Apart from the fact HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED HIS YOUNG SISTER. I really think that for the sake of your children, you need urgent counselling for yourself.

MsCactus · 27/04/2025 12:44

Yes OP - he's definitely a risk to children, you're wrong there, regardless of the age gap. She was only 13 when this happened

Discoprincess6 · 27/04/2025 12:44

I think you need to give yourself a smack round the head to bang come common sense into you. Wow.

what the hell. I would have packed my bags the first time I heard that.

you’re a mother meant to protect your children. Get an actual grip.

Summerseagull · 27/04/2025 12:45

How old are your children op

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:46

@ParkFunRunRun I know that his sister doesn't want to report it (for now), so why don't you refer yourselves to social services for support? See what they think about the situation - this should be about protecting your children even if you don't 'think' there's a risk to them. Imagine if you're wrong and he abused your children, you'd never be able to forgive yourself.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

The timing seems “convenient” in what way? Convenient to what?

OfNoOne · 27/04/2025 12:47

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:24

Got his full story. He did it. He knows it was hideously wrong. He’s doing what he can to put it right.

Show quote history

Has he reported himself to the police for it? To social work?

If not, then no, he isn't doing what he can to put anything right.

This isn't someone being "loopy" and making a poor choice. He's sexually assaulted and manipulated a younger female relative - his own sister, FFS. He's a deviant and a sex offender and you need to protect your children from him.