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Original poster

TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

420 replies

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:49

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 13:09

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:53

Not making excuses. It’s wrong. He knows it’s wrong. He’s taken full accountability. I’m trying to make sense of the disconnect between what I see now and what he did then.

Show quote history

We've seen time and time again that paedophiles don't walk around with big flashing signs above their heads. What is it going to take for you to absorb all these comments and PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN?

MiniLights · 27/04/2025 13:09

funkylikeachicken · 27/04/2025 13:01

I empathise with OP's DH's sister. I was abused by my older brother as a child. The difference was that we were both children when it started (2.5 year age gap, and I can't remember when it started but it was the first half of primary school. It ended when I was 12 or so. It's complex. My brother and I have never spoken about it, but we are on good terms now and I trust him implicitly with both his and my children. We had a complex upbringing, and I have a huge amount I'm working through in therapy, but he is absolutely not a risk to children - or anyone else. I know folks on here may not believe this, because there is a lot of very black and white thinking here, but there is a spectrum of nuanced grey area here.

That's not to say, OP, that you shouldn't leave, or that your husband is safe around your children, or that you will be able to get over it. Just that sibling sexual abuse is incredibly complex, and more common than most people would like to believe.

Similar. Older brother by 13 months, younger brother by 14 months, separately. I felt helpless and complicit. I was about 14-15. I put it down to exploration but I feel upset by it.

But I would not disclose this to younger brother's wife. Older brother now deceased. They have a son but I don't think my brother would abuse a child. And they have a good relationship. Why would I break that up?

Cucy · 27/04/2025 13:09

How can you be certain of that?

No one can ever be certain of that, especially someone who coerced a younger sibling into a sexual act.

I assume you didn’t know he sexually abused someone in the past and would have been ‘certain’ he would never do that.

Summerseagull · 27/04/2025 13:12

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 13:01

He is not a risk to children. I’m certain of that.

Show quote history

How can you be sure
You don't know him as well as you thought you did , otherwise you would of been able predict this
He also could of disclosed this to you , before you had children together,and he could of gone to get help and given you the chance to think about the person he is ,and if you actually want children with him
But he didn't
Not such a great guy op

Cucy · 27/04/2025 13:13

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 27/04/2025 13:09

OP, you say he’s trying to atone for it. What is he doing? How is he behaving? What is he saying? Has he organised counselling? Is he acting normal? This will tell you a lot about the man he is. Saying “sorry” is easy.

Absolutely this!

He should have gone to counselling years ago but if he was truly sorry then he would arrange it today.

It is not normal behaviour and the only way I could ever feel remotely comfortable around him again would be if he tried to get to the bottom of why it happened and reduce the risk of it happening again.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 13:13

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 13:01

He is not a risk to children. I’m certain of that.

Show quote history

So tell social services then. If you're sure he's not a risk, and you're sure that they won't take your children away, tell them. And if you're too scared to do that, you need to rethink your confidence in the man who sexually assaulted a child relative.

OfNoOne · 27/04/2025 13:13

OldSkuul · 27/04/2025 12:59

I disagree with most posters. What he did was horrendous, no question about it. Had he been prosecuted at the time he would have faced prison time, and your relationship likely would never have started.

But he wasn't. And you do have a long term relationship with kids and all.

So 30 years later he's not the same person as he was then. He's not minimising or denying it. He's desperate to undo it, but you can't unring a bell.

He's a 45 year old good man with the weight of something horrible he did many years ago. Many of had have done really nasty things in our teens (albeit not sa), and if he's grown from realising his follies, and really changed as a person, you should accept him for who he is now.

What definition of 'good man' are you using here? Doesn't seem to be one I know, given the guy sexually assaulted his own sister when she was a child.

Who he is now is a guy who sexually assaulted his own sister when she was a child and has spent the following years trying and hoping to hide from being found out and having to face the consequences. Words like 'deviant', 'sex offender' and 'coward' come to mind. But certainly not 'good'.

ChkChkBoom · 27/04/2025 13:15

Roxietrees · 27/04/2025 12:55

I get that it’s not as simple as just leaving him immediately after (I assume) years of marriage and children together. I think MN can be very quick to say stuff like bin him immediately or go no contact with your own parent or whatever. Things aren’t that black and white. And advice like that isn’t helpful to you - if you’d immediately made up your mind to leave him you wouldn’t be asking the question on here. What he’s done is horrendous but sexual abuse between siblings happens MUCH more than people think. His age is relevant here - was he not long turned 15 or 16 nearly 17? The latter I would hold him far more responsible than the former. His adult brain isn’t the same as his teenage brain. Just because he did this awful thing as a teenager doesn’t mean he turned into an abuser as an adult (as you know) and doesn’t mean he’s a peadofile. He was not much older than his sister, it’s completely different to an adult man abusing a teenage girl. Of course, that doesn’t make it ok, nothing will ever make it ok. I personally would struggle with attraction/having sex with him after knowing what he did. The decision to stay with him or not is completely yours but i would suggest counselling for both of you.

I think your reply is valid, but only to an extent - ie I don't think its uncommon. I recall two classmates (seperate families) at primary school (so under the age of 11), both girls with younger brothers and both of these girls had been inappropriate with their brothers (the girls were maybe 10, and their brothers 8). I can't remember how it became common knowledge, what I remember is them all being teased about it for a good while after it became common knowledge amongt us other kids.

The difference here is age. I disagree with you entirely that age 15 could be considered too immature to know better - at age 15 he absolutely should have known better. What the OP's husband did is horrific, there's nothing mitigating.

PinkiOcelot · 27/04/2025 13:15

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:05

Please say you don't have kids with this sex offender. Jesus, this was a horrifying read.

Well if you’d read it properly, you would have read they have DC.

funkylikeachicken · 27/04/2025 13:15

MiniLights · 27/04/2025 13:09

Similar. Older brother by 13 months, younger brother by 14 months, separately. I felt helpless and complicit. I was about 14-15. I put it down to exploration but I feel upset by it.

But I would not disclose this to younger brother's wife. Older brother now deceased. They have a son but I don't think my brother would abuse a child. And they have a good relationship. Why would I break that up?

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely - felt (still feel?) complicit. And upset. My mental health tanked when my DD got to a similar age I was when it started, hence therapy. Can't recommend it enough. But I'd never tell my brother's wife and know with as much certainty as possible that my brother is not a risk to children, or a paedophile as others on this thread have suggested about the OP's DH. Sibling sexual abuse is incredibly complex, and research shows that it's more linked to family structures than individual proclivities. But it's not well understood, for obvious reasons.

Catsandcannedbeans · 27/04/2025 13:18

I would get him away from my children and get therapy because I would be pretty freaked out I’d built a life with / procreated with an incestuous rapist. His poor sister.

Newname25 · 27/04/2025 13:19

His poor sister.

OP you seem strangely detached from it all. Maybe it is shock or are your boundaries very bad?

You need specialist help to deal with this.

I know you keep saying he isn't a risk but I'm sure his mother thought that and look what he did and hid from everyone for years. Of course he is a risk.

I think you also need to explore whether you were chosen as a partner because of your under reaction to something as disgusting as this.

ArtTheClown · 27/04/2025 13:20

I don't agree with the posters suggesting that he was abused himself. At 16, sexual activity is pretty normal. What isn't normal is having it with your underage sister, obviously.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 27/04/2025 13:20

"But a 15/16 year old will have different sexual attractions than a 45 year old. Nothing I see gives me concern that he would still be attracted to underage people"

Do 15/16 year olds stop fancying their siblings when they grow older?

This is an odd statement.

Scout2016 · 27/04/2025 13:23

Is it your first child? Either way maybe his sister can't bear the thought of him being around children and that's why it's come out now. She's thinking to protect your children.

He tried to pay a girl to have sex with him and would have done if she'd agreed. Bribed is the same as paid.
He had already coerced her to perform a sexual act.

The horror of that is multiplied by it being his sister. Someone who breaches such boundaries aged 15/16 has thought it through and made a choice to do that, mentally overcoming social norms, taboos and boundaries. That can't have come entirely in isolation and from nowhere. What makes him no longer a risk?

Many people found to be abusive were thought to be wonderful. How many women come on her and say they wonder if their husband is abusive, list awful things he's done and then say "but everyone at work and all their friends and family love him, he's a big success and no one will believe me", and she can't believe it herself because some of the time he's lovely.

lessglittermoremud · 27/04/2025 13:23

Even if you can reconcile what he did in your head, surely it would forever stick in your mind and you would be worried about your children, especially if female and ‘tween’ age?
I couldn’t stay with him, even if I had never seen any inclination that he would repeat the offence purely because to be a family and co parent well you have to trust in the person you are with. I couldn’t trust someone who had done this to his sister and then said he had forgotten about it (he hadn’t).
I would be permanently on my guard, listening out and looking for signs, anxious and reluctant to let him be near the children and that is no way to live.
It’s a big ‘mistake’ to have made and he should have told you about it before you married.

TammyJones · 27/04/2025 13:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:05

Did you miss he coerced her into a sexual act? He’s admitted it and you’re trying to suggest his sister is lying for attention?

Show quote history

Sorry - yes I missed that but - thought she said ‘No’ to it all

seasonsforlambs · 27/04/2025 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

What??
Maybe this is the first time that she feels her mother will listen to her and believe and support her daughter? How flippant to saith timing is convenient. are you saying the sister is lying? Why should the sister be trying to achieve anything in your view, how twisted. Perhaps she felt finally able to reach out and ask for help.

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 13:25

Personally I would leave him .

ArtTheClown · 27/04/2025 13:26

OP I had a boyfriend disclose to me, years ago, that he had opportunistically abused his sisters - he was younger than 15 but the age gap was also greater.

He seemed distraught with remorse, but apparently wasn't that remorseful as he plied a 14 year old with alcohol and had sex with her when he was in his late twenties.

pinkingshears · 27/04/2025 13:27

muggart · 27/04/2025 12:08

The timing of her disclosure and the motives behind it are totally irrelevant. Why would you even try to make it sound like she is in the wrong for disclosing and why would you try to paint her as an attention seeker?! even when the sex offender has admitted guilt and the victim was 13 she is getting portrayed as a malicious and manipulative person, on a forum for women no less! Unbelievable.

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Indeed. I was (incestously) abused - the final time I was aged 15. I told my Mother (who told me it was my fault). Years later I told the Police who, though he admitted full sex (but he said it was consensual) did nothing (except question me about timing & MY motivations - which were to keep him away from family children/young people, though responsibility always lies with the abuser) OP, it might be long ago, he might be sorry, but he tried to pay his own sister for sex. LTB.

Roxietrees · 27/04/2025 13:27

captainmarvella · 27/04/2025 13:04

CSA survivor here. I currently have no answers for your other questions (not sure if I might be triggered) but this one alone I will answer - if your sister in law has told you that she doesn't want to report, please respect her wishes. She may not be ready to disclose anything to the public and her wish absolutely must be respected.

OP, her wishes take priority over everything else now. Don't throw her under the bus and push her to talk to strangers because you or your husband wants to take some righteous path. Whatever she wants to do now legally, will have to come from her own autonomy.

Show quote history

This. If OP (after many, many years of knowing this man intimately) has no reason to believe he is a risk around their children and he has never displayed any troubling behaviour around them previously, there is no need to report to SS. It is his sister’s experience, it has to be HER decision and her’s alone to report it or not (unless there were genuine warning signs). Don’t take that away from her, it will only traumatise her further if this is made public against her wishes and she loses control of how it is dealt with. To me, teenage boy abusing his sister two years younger (while obviously, a horrendous thing to do) does not equal peadofile. However, if it was me, and I know many will not agree but I’d snoop around on his computer and internet history just for peace of mind (or tell him you are going to look through it all and you need his passwords) if he genuinely wants to try and repent and prove to you he’s no longer a danger he’d be very willing for you to do this

Motnight · 27/04/2025 13:29

OldSkuul · 27/04/2025 13:02

Wtf? A hormonal-raging teen being attracted to his sister who's a couple of years younger than him, does not equal a danger to his own kids at 45. Not when there's never been a hint of sexual improperiety since.

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What am I reading on here?

FleaBeeBob · 27/04/2025 13:30

End of relationship
Therapy for you to work through this because it is huge

ParkMumForever · 27/04/2025 13:30

You don’t need to make any decisions right away. Follow the signposts, take time, do the counselling and see how it goes. Maybe set a time frame to revisit the decision to separate.
Once social services are in your life it takes a lot to get them out again.