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Original poster

TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

420 replies

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:49

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

OP posts:
umahhaha · 27/04/2025 11:51

You are seriously considering continuing a relationship with this man???

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/04/2025 11:53

I think I would leave him immediatly, and not trust him around any teenagers at all.

Sorry and a chat is all well and good, for him, but will he admit it if she goes to the police?

amooseymoomum · 27/04/2025 11:55

There will be ones that say they were only kids but I do not agree, he was old enough to know better. he obviously wanted more too.
it is a criminal offence on several accounts but its up to her if she wants to report it as she would be in her rights too.
as for what you should do it may be a long time ago but who knows if it is just buried If you have children the social services would be investigating if it came to their notice.
I think that maybe for a start you should get your husband to talk to his GP maybe he would want counselling
try Stopitnow.org.uk for non judgemental help for you both

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:55

umahhaha · 27/04/2025 11:51

You are seriously considering continuing a relationship with this man???

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Would this be it for you?

I think if he’d minimised it, denied it, tried to avoid accountability I’d be much clearer.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:56

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/04/2025 11:53

I think I would leave him immediatly, and not trust him around any teenagers at all.

Sorry and a chat is all well and good, for him, but will he admit it if she goes to the police?

He has said he will be compliant with any legal action but she doesn’t want to take it further.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:57

amooseymoomum · 27/04/2025 11:55

There will be ones that say they were only kids but I do not agree, he was old enough to know better. he obviously wanted more too.
it is a criminal offence on several accounts but its up to her if she wants to report it as she would be in her rights too.
as for what you should do it may be a long time ago but who knows if it is just buried If you have children the social services would be investigating if it came to their notice.
I think that maybe for a start you should get your husband to talk to his GP maybe he would want counselling
try Stopitnow.org.uk for non judgemental help for you both

Thank you. I’ll check that out.

OP posts:
Ratisshortforratthew · 27/04/2025 11:59

i’m astonished you even have to ask. 16 is more than old enough for him to have known exactly what he was doing. I’d be too sickened to even be in same room as him, let alone stay in a relationship. And I also did mad weird shit as a teenager - I didn’t sexually abuse my sibling!

umahhaha · 27/04/2025 11:59

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:55

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Would this be it for you?

I think if he’d minimised it, denied it, tried to avoid accountability I’d be much clearer.

Show quote history

Is this a joke? Any 16 year old knows incest is wrong! Give your head a wobble.

Iloveagoodnap · 27/04/2025 12:00

Has he given any reasoning? Had he suffered any abuse? What was their upbringing like? If they had a nice childhood and yet out of the blue he developed
sexual attraction to his younger sister I think that would concern me a lot more than if it occurred from a place of trauma.

Kilroyonly · 27/04/2025 12:01

There’s doing stupid things & then there’s sexual abusing a sibling…jesus what are you thinking! I would have been gone the minute he admitted it. I can’t believe you feel there is any other option

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:02

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/04/2025 11:59

i’m astonished you even have to ask. 16 is more than old enough for him to have known exactly what he was doing. I’d be too sickened to even be in same room as him, let alone stay in a relationship. And I also did mad weird shit as a teenager - I didn’t sexually abuse my sibling!

Yeah. I know. It’s hideous. I just can’t figure out how I reconcile my view of the man he is now with the 15/16 year old he was. He’s pretty ashamed of his actions. It was a long time ago and he’s doing his best to take accountability and atone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:02

Kilroyonly · 27/04/2025 12:01

There’s doing stupid things & then there’s sexual abusing a sibling…jesus what are you thinking! I would have been gone the minute he admitted it. I can’t believe you feel there is any other option

It’s helpful to hear that.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:02

Jesus, that’s absolutely horrifying. Are you planning to have sex with him again now you know this? I couldn’t even look at him.

TammyJones · 27/04/2025 12:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at authors request

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:04

He’s pretty ashamed of his actions

Oh, you should have said! That makes it okay 🤦‍♀️

muggart · 27/04/2025 12:04

Iloveagoodnap · 27/04/2025 12:00

Has he given any reasoning? Had he suffered any abuse? What was their upbringing like? If they had a nice childhood and yet out of the blue he developed
sexual attraction to his younger sister I think that would concern me a lot more than if it occurred from a place of trauma.

I agree and I do think it’s theoretically possible that he has changed if he has gone through a lot of soul searching since then to move past childhood trauma.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

Did you miss he coerced her into a sexual act? He’s admitted it and you’re trying to suggest his sister is lying for attention?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:05

Please say you don't have kids with this sex offender. Jesus, this was a horrifying read.

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:05

Iloveagoodnap · 27/04/2025 12:00

Has he given any reasoning? Had he suffered any abuse? What was their upbringing like? If they had a nice childhood and yet out of the blue he developed
sexual attraction to his younger sister I think that would concern me a lot more than if it occurred from a place of trauma.

His dad was hiding an affair at the time and out a lot and is possibly the least empathic person I’ve ever met. Very authoritarian. Having seen him with GC he is not at all child centred. His own mum was hyper critical and cold so it’s easy to see where he got that from.

His mum is lovely. A lot but not very emotionally available. She shows love by doing things and advising but was working full time and holding down the house.

The sense I get is that he was seen as a problem child’ somewhat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:07

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/04/2025 12:05

Please say you don't have kids with this sex offender. Jesus, this was a horrifying read.

Yes. Before I knew. Had I known all this at the start I’d not have started a long term relationship. But kids, marriage and mortgage now. Like I say, nothing remotely to suggest sexual predator with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:08

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:04

He’s pretty ashamed of his actions

Oh, you should have said! That makes it okay 🤦‍♀️

Not saying it makes it ok. Just that his response suggests he absolutely acknowledges it was wrong and is showing appropriate responses now.

OP posts:
muggart · 27/04/2025 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

The timing of her disclosure and the motives behind it are totally irrelevant. Why would you even try to make it sound like she is in the wrong for disclosing and why would you try to paint her as an attention seeker?! even when the sex offender has admitted guilt and the victim was 13 she is getting portrayed as a malicious and manipulative person, on a forum for women no less! Unbelievable.

Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:05

Did you miss he coerced her into a sexual act? He’s admitted it and you’re trying to suggest his sister is lying for attention?

Show quote history

God no! Where did I say that? Believe her 100% and he’s owned it totally.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:09

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:09

God no! Where did I say that? Believe her 100% and he’s owned it totally.

Show quote history

Oh sorry. Thought that was to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:10

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 12:02

Jesus, that’s absolutely horrifying. Are you planning to have sex with him again now you know this? I couldn’t even look at him.

I have ‘the ick’ massively. Currently still traumatised by child birth so no sex anyway. Not sure if I’ll ever get back to how it was.

OP posts:
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