Page 16 | TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

ParkFunRunRun · 2025-04-27T10:49:32+00:00

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness. He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings. We have DC. Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think? He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

Suns1nE · 27/04/2025 21:20

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 14:04

He doesn’t have any opportunity apart from anything. I’m confident in my risk assessment.

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Do you sleep? Because if you sleep… he has opportunity.

BeyonceCastleRebootied · 27/04/2025 21:25

"We had an ordinary marriage. Then I found out my husband had been viewing images of child abuse | Family | The Guardian" https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jul/27/husband-viewing-child-abuse-images

You remind me a bit of the wife here, who chose to stand by her husband.
I do remember a thread on here about that too, as she seemed to view her husband as a secondary victim rather than the culprit.
I do not know what I'd do in your shoes but I am not sure how remorseful your DH is or how he can atone. Also not sure what only having a two year gap means. My own kids have only got that and if I discovered my son had ever hurt his sister, I'd struggle to come back from that.
So your MIL will no doubt need some support too.
There is an organisation mentioned Lucy Faithfull that may be able to offer further help.

We had an ordinary marriage. Then I found out my husband had been viewing images of child abuse

For Emily and her husband, Matthew, everything changed when the police knocked on the door at 6.20am one morning. Could their family survive?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jul/27/husband-viewing-child-abuse-images

OfNoOne · 27/04/2025 21:27

RVNmax · 27/04/2025 20:51

I can't believe the ignorance on here.

Just go on a any pornographic site and you'll find the most popular categories include incestuous relationships and barely legal.

What this shows is that these are extremely common areas of sexual desire. Yet if you were to ask a man if they had these desires, you barely find a single one that says yes.

The attraction is not the issue here. To be attracted to someone 4 years younger than you or even 75% of your age is completely normal. To ve attracted someone you are constantly around is also totally normal. Although normal, acting family desires are obviously not and shouldn't be an acceptable part of society.

As such, you will not find anyone being open about such desires, even though most men in the world have had them.

As half the comments admit to, people were not fully developed when they were 16 and although they should have known right from wrong, they didn't always, and certainly didn't always act on it.

If this was a one off, and the person was honest enough to acknowledge it that it was wrong to act in that way, I personally think it would be extremely short-sighted, hypocritical and living in dreamland to come to a logical conclusion to not give this guy a chance to move forward.

I understand however that feelings and sentiment of a mother may not allow the decision of logic to override that of emotion, and that is the ultimate factor in a relationship.

The logical conclusion..

Well...

A logical conclusion is that he's an abusive sexual deviant and a coward.

Mrsbloggz · 27/04/2025 21:37

I'd say the reason this man didn't mention it would be a combination of:
1-he told himself it was just children messing around and no harm was done
and
2-He knew that the victim would be very ashamed, very embarrassed and very afraid of not being believed. Therefore he was safe because she would never find the courage to speak out.

Obviously points 1 & 2 are in contradiction, but the overarching point is that he was confident that he could get away with it.
That is why they do it. The victim is groomed in such a way that they feel complicit, hence the shame and reluctance to speak out, and the more powerful/highest ranking person is the one most likely to be believed.

TheAppledoesnt · 27/04/2025 22:18

I fear there are a lot of damaged women on this thread - arguing for sibling incest being ‘normal’ as the alternative is too hard to comprehend. They were raped by their brothers. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s fucked up

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 22:26

TheAppledoesnt · 27/04/2025 22:18

I fear there are a lot of damaged women on this thread - arguing for sibling incest being ‘normal’ as the alternative is too hard to comprehend. They were raped by their brothers. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s fucked up

Well said. The incessant repetition of “it’s not black and white” is both telling and heartbreaking.

Bellsize · 27/04/2025 22:34

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:24

That was the end of it as far as I know. So a sex act but not full sex. He accepted the ‘no’ and he’d forgotten about it.

The timing is interesting but I don’t blame her for that. May be now his mum is seeing the not so good side of him, may be she felt brave enough? Regardless- I’m glad she has spoken out and I’m glad he’s offering to redress it in any way she wants.

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So a sex act but not full sex.

This is classed as rape in UK law.

And in this case the rape of a minor.

IWishIWasABaller · 27/04/2025 22:36

I'd be afraid that he coerced other young girls too especially as his sister refused to engage in intercourse etc. I wonder would there be more girls coming forward if his sister ever did decide to report to police

supercatlady · 27/04/2025 22:37

i do see where you’re coming from OP. I was “date raped” at 14 by a17 year old, but it doesn’t make me think he’d be a risk to children/teens now as a mature adult. Admittedly the incest part does add another layer of complexity.
id be seeking advice from a psycho-sexual therapist either with your husband or alone.

Mrsbloggz · 27/04/2025 22:42

IWishIWasABaller · 27/04/2025 22:36

I'd be afraid that he coerced other young girls too especially as his sister refused to engage in intercourse etc. I wonder would there be more girls coming forward if his sister ever did decide to report to police

Generally if a victim is unaware that there are other victims they are more likely to feel that they are to blame. Learning of other victims can lead to quite a shift. Perpetrators are generally keen to prevent victims from joining the dots.

Bellsize · 27/04/2025 22:53

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:19

Interesting.

Probably not. No.

But a 15/16 year old will have different sexual attractions than a 45 year old. Nothing I see gives me concern that he would still be attracted to underage people.

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But a 15/16 year old

Why do you keep repeating 15/16 yers old?

Everyone knows when this happened and clearly he was 16.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 27/04/2025 23:00

@supercatlady thank God they grow out of raping.

One rape means they are a rapist.

Lord save us.

Bubblesaremyonlyfruit · 27/04/2025 23:02

Anonym00se · 27/04/2025 13:34

I’d rather not pass judgment either way. This is a topic that has destroyed my family and you must do what is right for you. I’d suggest contacting an SA charity to get your head clear before you make a decision.

But I just wanted to add that sibling sexual abuse is extremely common. Some studies estimate the rate of older brothers abusing younger sisters as high as 17%. That’s a lot of husbands out there who have done this. Women are hyper vigilant of abuse by step fathers, when their daughters are far more likely to be abused by their own sons. That is such an abhorrent prospect that we don’t even consider it.

That’s a shocking thing, but in some ways I’m not surprised. Urgh.

Jollyjoy · 27/04/2025 23:24

TheAppledoesnt · 27/04/2025 22:18

I fear there are a lot of damaged women on this thread - arguing for sibling incest being ‘normal’ as the alternative is too hard to comprehend. They were raped by their brothers. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s fucked up

Agree this is well said. I wanted to make a similar observation about this difficult thread but worried about coming across as challenging, and not wanting to cause distress. I know a couple of people personally who have had abusive experiences in their history and their benchmark of ‘normal’ is also sadly very skewed.

Mrsbloggz · 27/04/2025 23:47

Sadly this kind of abuse IS 'normal'. Not in the sense of being good or ok, but in the sense of being commonplace.
Men & boys are extremely prone to sexually abusing girls & women if they think they can get away with it.

Zoono · 28/04/2025 00:29

I can't believe you haven't left him already and taken steps to protect your children from him. It's what you do , as a mum. Sorry to be blunt but there are no excuses for sexual abuse

SammyScrounge · 28/04/2025 01:37

muggart · 27/04/2025 12:04

I agree and I do think it’s theoretically possible that he has changed if he has gone through a lot of soul searching since then to move past childhood trauma.

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What trauma has he suffered?It was his wee sister who was abused

bigboykitty · 28/04/2025 05:24

Even if you were a forensic psychologist with a specialism in assessing risk, you would have zero claim to being able to accurately assess the risk posed by someone to whom you are married, @ParkFunRunRun. I'm going to take a wild guess that you have none of those specialist skills. In any case and even by Mumsnet standards, the number of clueless posters proclaiming to know that OP's husband isn't a risk to anyone now is laughable.

He has hidden this. His response is being portrayed as very earnest. No one knows where his true sexual interests lie and whether or not he has further offended, or has wanted to do so. This is the problem. OP you are sitting with a complete unknown but have convinced yourself that it was a past aberration with no chance of being repeated. You do not know this. You cannot 'risk assess' your H or the situation. I think you need specialist support so you can start to recognise the impact of this new information and the reality that you have no way of knowing what implications it carries. You cannot blindly say he presents no risk. Are you saying this because you only have sons? If you have a local rape and sexual abuse organisation, that would be a good place to seek help.

JHound · 28/04/2025 07:28

funkylikeachicken · 27/04/2025 20:47

@JHound You can believe my lived experience or not. There's nothing I can say on an anonymous forum that can convince you. What I can say is that the few scientific studies done around sibling sexual abuse point to a more complex picture than has been represented by responses on this thread. Yes, some sibling sexual abusers are likely paedophiles or sexual deviants who will go on to offend again, but many are not. It is NOT as straightforward as other forms of abuse, which doesn't - unfortunately - make it any less harmful to those who have experienced it. But it categorically is not always black and white. And I will again reiterate my advice to OP to speak with organisations trained in this specific, complex area. I'm not trying to exonerate her husband, and it is incredibly difficult to speak about my experiences (there are very few people IRL I've told), but it is not as straightforward as many assume on this thread.

Edited

You have quoted the wrong person.

I didn’t say anything about not believing an individual’s personal experience.

Bathsheba1878 · 28/04/2025 07:48

Several responses have suggested that the OP should leave, partly in order to protect her children. However, wouldn’t there be a risk then that her husband would be granted rights to continue to see the children, unsupervised, especially if a Court decided he posed no risk to them?
I don’t know how likely that would be but (given the time since he committed the offence, his repentance and the fact that there is no evidence that he has abused his children) it might be a possibility. This could put the children at greater risk.

TipsyJoker · 28/04/2025 08:56

Bathsheba1878 · 28/04/2025 07:48

Several responses have suggested that the OP should leave, partly in order to protect her children. However, wouldn’t there be a risk then that her husband would be granted rights to continue to see the children, unsupervised, especially if a Court decided he posed no risk to them?
I don’t know how likely that would be but (given the time since he committed the offence, his repentance and the fact that there is no evidence that he has abused his children) it might be a possibility. This could put the children at greater risk.

That’s why she goes to social services immediately. They will support her and back her up. He is a risk and they have a duty, as does she, to safeguard.

OfNoOne · 28/04/2025 09:21

Bathsheba1878 · 28/04/2025 07:48

Several responses have suggested that the OP should leave, partly in order to protect her children. However, wouldn’t there be a risk then that her husband would be granted rights to continue to see the children, unsupervised, especially if a Court decided he posed no risk to them?
I don’t know how likely that would be but (given the time since he committed the offence, his repentance and the fact that there is no evidence that he has abused his children) it might be a possibility. This could put the children at greater risk.

That's why she goes to social work and takes steps now, so he doesn't get unsupervised access and can't later say "well you knew and did nothing at the time so you can't have been that worried".

roaringmouse · 28/04/2025 10:21

TheAppledoesnt · 27/04/2025 22:18

I fear there are a lot of damaged women on this thread - arguing for sibling incest being ‘normal’ as the alternative is too hard to comprehend. They were raped by their brothers. I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s fucked up

Claiming that some women are too 'damaged' to hold a valid view is despicable. It's an attempt to win an argument by attacking the credibility of victim-survivors themselves — a bitter irony, given the subject of this thread. It's not only hackneyed, but deeply anti-feminist.

No one is suggesting that sibling incest is normal or should be normalised.

The reality is simply that some posters hold a different perspective from you.

We're all shaped by our experiences; none of us is 'untouched' or 'perfect'. To weaponise the idea of being 'damaged' against others is not only miserable, but profoundly hypocritical.

waterrat · 28/04/2025 10:44

Trying to be neutral here OP - I think what would really concern me is the attempt by him (and possibly by you) - to pain this as 'old' teenage behaviour that can just be apologised for.

FOr me, this sort of behaviour is incredibly disturbing and unusual - so I would expect your DH to be having therapy and looking into why he did it - has he started that/ has he ever had therapy about his own childhood?

Is he prepared to go deep into what motivated him to do something so bizarre at the time?

Was he abused himself?

I know it's online so you can't really show your emotional state but you sound quite detached and calm in your writing - is that how you really feel?

What jumps out at me is a potential here for minimising the severe behaviour and the potentially serious damaged state your DH was in at the time - how has he coped with that for the rest of his life?

highstoolfling · 28/04/2025 13:03

@bigboykitty that was an amazing post. I’m hijacking but your words really spoke to me and how I was feeling when I dealt with something similar. A complete unknown. That was it. I couldn’t possibly know so I erred on side of caution and left