TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

There's a LOT on porn sites that is nasty, illegal and downright disgusting - doesn't mean it's OK, does it? More men than a lot of women realise have nasty, illegal and downright disgusting fantasies; thankfully, most of these men do not go on to act them out in reality. A man that does - doesn't 'normalise' it, he's simply a very dangerous man.

I'm so glad it was helpful, @highstoolfling and that you acted in the interests of safety. It's such a lot to process.

@ParkFunRunRun you said that "that was the end of it as far as I know. So a sex act but not full sex. He accepted the ‘no’ and he’d forgotten about it."

But he couldn't have forgotten about it? Presumably the relationship with his sister has been strained all these years? They couldn't have been close, it couldn't have been a 'normal' relationship? And he would have noticed that, felt that, and known the reason why, surely?

So you have to consider, that when he was older (30s, 40s), he had not sought to make things right between them. He hadn't gone to counselling or had a sit down with her and acknowledged the past, apologised etc. Otherwise, it wouldn't have come up the way it did recently, would it have?

Sexual abuse aside for the sister (as traumatic as that is), it's very sad that she lost out on a potentially close relationship with a sibling, her family.

I don't know what is possible or not possible in terms of mistakes people make as teenagers, and what kind of people they can grow up to be, but I think there are more questions he needs to answer, really.

Don’t think there’s much point in directing anymore responses to the OP - she clearly ran for the hills a while ago. Probably, I imagine, because so many vile people called her a bad mother, told her she was on the same level as a sex offender and that she belongs in jail 🙄

I have been in your shoes op.

I found out that my ex had abused a younger family member. I spent some time like you, trying to make sense of it all. Then I found out he had abused other members of the family.

He no longer sees or has contact with our DC. I made it clear to him that any attempts at contact and I will expose his past to everyone. I will not allow my DC contact with a man capable of doing what he has done.

Your husband is not the man you thought he was. There is something dark and wrong in him that allowed him to abuse his own sister. You have absolutely no way of knowing your DC are safe with him.

I know how unbearable those facts are, but they ARE the facts.

Oh fuck not that old chestnut.

Just go on a any pornographic site and you'll find the most popular categories include incestuous relationships and barely legal.

You haven't paid enough attention when you were on porn sites.

Even they don't/can't give incest titles or stage incest. Therefore they always use step - stepsister, step daughter, step mother, step son etc.

Even porn sites don't depict genetically related incestuous sex.

Barely legal is a separate debate.

There was no full sex or oral in my case. It is complicated and not as cut and dried as you think.

It’s just fact. Children who abuse are more likely to have experienced sexual abuse themselves, more often than not within a family setting therefore making the abuse of his sister more normalised.

You’ve posted this a few times. I’m sorry you were abused.

I've posted this aspect once.

You seem to be minimising what he's done. So what if there is only 2 years between them? That's not the issue here 😔

And how his parents were when he was growing up means nothing. Stop making excuses!!

You mention numerous times that your dh has taken full accountability. That doesn't really wash with me, as he's only now saying this after his sister has brought it out into the open by telling their mother.
Did he not feel any accountability / guilt all the years from when he did that to his sister until she told their mother.
Just because his sister currently now doesn't want the police involved, mean what he's done, can be absolved.
I have seen the long term damage of subling abuse to extended family members. This has been contributed over over the years, by others making excuses ( oh it was a long time ago, they aren't like that now etc).

I think rather than being influenced by people on here you need professional support and advice to make sure your children are not at risk. https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

please contact them for advice and I also think to ensure your children are safe you should make a self referral to children’s services who can provide support and safety planning.

The main concern here isn’t about whether you can move on it is about whether he is a risk to your children.

If anything is taken further i.e Legal route
thats his job gone his mortgage gone his children gone he's on the sex offenders register just think about the Real implications of this

Are you suggesting that historic CSA should be left in the past because otherwise the man might suffer in the present?

Can you hear yourself?

Given it's regularly claimed by child sex abusers ....after they're caught (and generally cannot be proved or disproved); I reserve the right to be skeptical about self reported "facts".

Most victims of child sex abuse are female yet most child sex abusers are not female

Plenty of victims of child sex abuse, male & female, have never and would never sexually abuse a child.

Ask someone like Gabriel Byrne how he's managed not to sexually abuse children so far.

I do not believe claims/reports by child sex offenders unless they are independently verifiable. They are an intensely dishonest and manipulative group of people.

In this case, if he'd been sexually abused himself, he would very likely have stated so already, as a (seemingly) mitigating factor. Now that he's been exposed.

So? That's what's commonly known as actions having consequences.

A boy/man who looks around and sees any female - and in this case one younger & weaker than him; and thinks "I can use her to satisfy my desire to do a,b, c sex act" and coerces her to do it; is a sex offender.

Any man who looks around him and thinks "I want to do ABC sex act, I can use her to do it" and does not even include in his thinking that she is his close blood relative ..... Is a particular type of sex offender. One for whom even normal, non crossable boundaries do not exist.

That is a, best word I can think of, psychopathic type of personality.

The vast vast majority of men manage not to see their sisters as useful, convenient sexual objects ....and the vast vast majority of men do not sexually abuse their sisters. I do not think he is fit material for a relationship of any type and I'm sorry you invested in a relationship with him without knowing this, but ..... You know what you know now.