TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

Fucking repulsive.

He probably has sex with you and pretends it her. Or at least wanks over it. Is that ok too?

Do you have a daughter op?

If so god help you with this pervert you've married.

I think she’s a danger to the children too. She’s just being blase about it. She’s the type of person who’d stay with their partner if he hurt their child.

im being harsh but her attitude is mind boggling.

OP get a grip. I’m lost for words to be honest.

I was abused by an older female friend when I was about 10 - 12 she was two maybe 3 years older then me. She was a child. But she’s still a sexual abuser of a child.

she moved and I don’t know what ever happened to her but I would go to the police if I knew where she was. But it would also kill my mum so I can’t. It angers me that she got away with it but I’m partly to blame because I’ve kept it secret for years. I’m 40 now.

Do you have girls? Would you ever really feel comfortable having him around them or relatives? I don’t think I could ever trust my husband ever again. It would always be in the back of my mind. He should also be finding a very good therapist.

Yes, we all did stupid stuff, but incest is a crime ffs.
At 16 you know it's wrong. Can you really look at your DH in the same light again knowing he did this to his younger sister?
I even remember when as young teens, me and my (mixed sex) cousins showed each other our privates! That must've been nearly 40 years ago and it's so clear in my head so your DH and SIL must have a very clear recollection of what happened. Has your DH explained why he did what he did? I was very scared of sex as a teen due to my parents (mum) warning me off it from a religious POV, etc. so did he have young exposure or encouragement to engage in sexual activity?

I am going to comment from a bit of a different perspective. My aunt (now in her late 60s) disclosed that her brother, my father raped her as a teenager. No one speaks to him. It utterly diagusts me. My siblings immediately removed any contact with their children from him. He has never and will never , meet my children.
One day your children will hear about this. One day, they will be disgusted by it in the same way myself and my siblings are. It's horrifying. And it's not just that it's sexual violence. It's who it is aimed towards. His sister.

I am 100% certain he not a current risk to children and would act immediately if I had any doubt about that.

but he’s into incest. Into family? Don’t you get it?

Everything about this is horrifying but what troubles me is if he’d managed to get his sister to agree to sex do you think that would have been the one and only time? Or do you think this would have went on repeatedly for years? I can’t see a reason why it would have stopped if it had started. And that isn’t a one off silly teenage mishap.

He should be hanged.

He's a sexual predator.

He's a paedophile.

You are the worst kind of mother if you let him anywhere near your children. God love them.

My older brother sexually abused me from a young age. He tried to have sex with me when I was 13. He couldn't get it in. He made me bleed.

Your husband is a paedophile.

I only disclosed my abuse when my brother had a daughter.

Years later we found out he sexually abused his partners daughter, she was 7.

I hope your husband rots.

You keep saying he is no risk to children, there was only 2 years between them, shows no interest in children now, stopped when she said no to full sex.
It's not the fact she was 13 that is the issue... its that she was his sister!!!!
And how is full sex less horrific than a sex act. It's still sex in the eye of the law. So they had sex. Incestuous sex. And se lx without consent (as at 13 you can't consent). So... rape. He's a rapist.

So please try to stop seeing it from his 45 year old perspective (will be fully compliant with legal process is how you describe it. What actually would happen is he'd be convicted of sexual assault, imprisoned for a long time and social services would have life long involvement with your family).. and instead see it as a mum. He's sick and twisted inside. He's been hiding this.. which shows cunning.
You would have no idea what he's actually capable of.

Wish everyone would stop blaming the OP, who’s clearly done a runner- no surprise as so many people have called her a bad mother, her kids should be taken off her, she’s as bad as him. Some people, especially MNers I’ve found, are truly the WORST judgemental arseholes. This woman has a newborn baby, she’s in shock and is trying to find a way through this, she doesn’t need this self-righteous bullshit and vile comments. She’s not the perpetrator, she’s in a very difficult situation and was looking for advice. She clearly came to the wrong place

@Roxietrees come on now. She has found out that her paedophile husband coerced his sister into a sexual act. I'm guessing oral rape. She is considering staying in a marriage with a man that made his 13 year old sister do a sex act

Please tell me how she's not a bad mother for not already leaving.

Her children should be removed as she is not able to protect them.

I don't give two fucks about how she feels to be honest.

@ParkFunRunRun obviously there is no excuse for him sexually assaulting his sister, but is there any chance he is a victim of child sex abuse himself? Abused children becoming teen abusers, especially towards family members, isn’t unusual and I saw it a lot through my previous job role.

Yes it is legally. A 16 year old is legally able to have sex, get married, live independently, join the military, vote and work full time. The criminal age of responsibility is 10 in England and Wales and 12 in Scotland. A 16 year old conducted coerced sexual assault of a minor. That’s a crime. There’s no being fair here. Was he fair to his little sister when he violated her innocence, her trust and probably traumatised her permanently?

We all know you wouldn’t say that to a friend who confided this to you in person and you saying “yes I would” ain’t gonna make me believe you. People believe they can say vile, hurtful things to people in vulnerable, difficult situations on the internet cos they’re hiding behind their phone. It’s still hurtful to them. No one knows how they’d react to this news from someone they’re married to and have just had a baby with. I imagine most would be in shock and look to get advice (MN wasn’t the best choice but maybe OP didn’t know how harsh this site is). People don’t just upend their lives and leave with perhaps nowhere to go immediately, they need to process things. And as many survivors of sibling SA have said (and been ignored) sibling sa is much more complex than assuming off the bat the person is a lifelong sexual predator and peadophile (which doesn’t even really make sense - he assaulted his teen sister when he was a teen) it’s fucked up as hell, I agree but it doesn’t mean he’s a peado. Being a peado means you are attracted to children as an adult or attracted to much younger children as a teen. Neither of these were the case.

But I’m off now, so bored of these black and white thinkers who don’t have compassion for OP and aren’t intelligent enough to be able to see grey areas/complexity of the situation

This. This. This.

normality prevails

those who aren’t disgusted by both the heinous, vile, evil crime and the wife’s reaction really should have a word with themselves.

@ParkFunRunRun -

I will reiterate what the social worker said up thread -

’there is no way he forgot this. EVEN IF that were true (which you should not believe for a second) that itself would be hugely concerning, that abusing his own sister meant so little it could be dismissed. Given he is lying to you about this now, it shows you his capacity for deceipt.’

He had not forgotten sexually abusing and offering to prostitute his sister. His sexuality has been warped. He may have been abused.

But this is not a one off event. It took a lot to cross that boundary - incest - and for it to be non consensual- and with a minor.

He has deviancy that has never been addressed or acknowledged- he has hidden that from you for your entire relationship. So ask yourself again - did he forget abusing his sister? The answer is no. He remembers and lied to you and everyone else. It won’t be the only instance of sexual deviancy. So he’s still living to you. Glad to see you are seeking help. It will be hard to see what unfolds but you just make progress - please don’t accept what you have been told by an abusive liar.

I was talking to be fair on that PP (like I made sure to write) not on the man obviously. Don’t misconstrue what I said.

16 year olds get some adult rights but they’re still classed as minors. I’d argue most of us don’t see a 16 year old as an adult - it doesn’t diminish their responsibilities, but they’re not adults.

@FlorenceB19 "This was not sexual abuse in any shape or form"???

the victim described it as sexual abuse, the husband has admitted it, yet you criticise others for jumping to conclusions, stating they have no empathy or compassion - yet you of course know the full situation and consider it your place to absolve the abuser and blame the victim?

What he did was opportunistic. The child was in the house and he thought he would get away with it. And you have children in the house… what happens if a little bit of his brain goes to where it has been before, and he sees an opportunity and thinks he might get away with it.

You are stupid if you put your kids in this kind of danger. And when they are sexually abused by your husband, you will be partly to blame for allowing the opportunity. You know what he is. There is no grey area in this situation. Monsters get away with doing monstrous things because they seem like they’d never do that sort of thing. Imagine when your kid is 13 and goes to a sleepover .. you’ll be praying the dad in that family isn’t an opportunistic sexual abuser like your husband.

@Roxietrees it doesn’t matter how complex it is, as an adult her first concern above anything else should be to protect her children and remove them from potential risk.

Well this thread has been an education. So much excusing male behaviour, and so little compassion for the victim, even from the hang em and flog em brigade. Now we know how childhood sexual abuse is so prevalent.

Same here. I knew some horrible kids at that age, but none of them, so far as I know, tried to have sex with their sister!!! Yuk…I wouldn’t want such a man in the same room as me, let alone the same bed.

Loopy, yes- but would you ever have considered raping a sibling?