TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

I think it's quite possible to put the crime (it is a crime) in context, forgive the person, do counselling, etc., whilst also finding it completely impossible to continue a romantic relationship with them. As others have pointed out, any legal action now or in future could result in choosing either NC with him or losing custody of your DC.

Hang on a minute - I feel like I've missed something here. You are talking about "going to the authorities" and lots of posters keep mentioning that he sexual assaulted her and attempted to rape her - but that's not what you said in your posts. You said that he had suggested that they do stuff and she said no. Whilst it's totally inappropriate, no crime has been committed, so why on earth are people mentioning police?

You misread. He did coerce her into a sexual act. He also tried to bribe her to have full intercourse with him but she said no.

Nah I’d never go near him- I’d remove him from my life.

I just want to say I’m so sorry for you OP. I hope that you are taking time to work through what has been disclosed, and to protect your mental health too. It’s a hand grenade into your very existence and everything you have. Look after yourself x

This has horrified me. This isn’t 5 year olds consensually playing “mommies and daddies” with each other. This is a fully aware 16 year old sexually assaulting a 13 year old who is also his sister and them trying to get her to have sex with him?

I am so grossed out and disgusted. I don’t know how I would deal with this.

Do you know for a fact he never sexually assaulted any other women?

You read it wrong - if you read OPs post he forced his sister into doing a sex act on him, then tried to make her have full intercourse with him and she refused and got away. It's sexual assault and attempted rape

Jesus what a horrendous situation my heart goes out to you OP, it really does, also your husband’s sister of course.

You talk in terms of being absolutely certain he is incapable of abusing in the present, and that your kids are totally safe, but as gently and as kindly as I can put it you can’t be. I’m sure if someone had told you you’d be here a year or two ago you’d have had total faith in your husband and said you’d be 100% he’d be incapable of such things. Sadly you would have been wrong, just as you COULD be wrong now.

The cost of potentially getting it wrong again are so colossal, and your own children would be paying them you simply cannot afford to take any risks. I am really really sorry you are in this position though.

Co-parent with him!
🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😱
you mean to say you’re still going to let him have contact with the children you’ve had with him?

It’s in the very first post. He coerced her into performing a sexual act on him.

That’s sexual assault.

Kids are dumb and teenages are horny.

I am surprised if any of so judgemental MNs did not have some sort of strange sexual play with others at child/early teen stage.
It's just exploring.

OP just ask yourself why she is bringing that up to you kow? If she had like 30 years to take legal actions or tell you before marriage?
Fishy

It’s a lot more common than most people realise. Personally, I think I’d be asking him to hand himself in to the police as a condition of any kind of ongoing relationship. He should be on the sex offenders register.

Disgusting comment.

Are you serious? Teenagers being horny excuses sexual abuse and rape in your books? Would you feel this way if a horny teenager raped your underage child? A truly disgusting comment.

This is too serious for Mumsnet for god sakes.

Go. To. Therapy

It’s not the fact that she was 13 imo, it’s the fact that she was his own sister and also that she was coerced. You don’t just grow out of that level of depravity. I wouldn’t let him around my children alone.

My family really wasn't the greatest in many ways, but I am seriously wondering about the upbringing of some posters who are casually dismissing the coercion of a 13 year old into a sex act by her older brother and why they consider that, or him trying to bribe her to have intercourse with him remotely or possibly normal.

It wasn’t play.

He coerced her.

It was sexual assault.

But I’d bet that until recently you were 100% certain he wouldn’t sexually abuse his little sister and coerce her to have sex with him.

If anything what it should tell you is that you do not know this man, at all!
Forget what you know about him or think you do this man is a rapist of the worst kind as his sister was only 13, a child!

It doesn’t matter that he was only 16/17 he knew better.

He’s not sorry he’s just sorry he got caught otherwise he would have confessed before now.

Incest is incest and if he’s been drawn to it before I absolutely could never take that risk with my children, you say he’s not given you any reason to believe he would do anything of the sort. Yet he did and hid it from you for a long time. I’m hoping you see sense and remove the children from him.

I’m a victim myself and this stuff stays with you for life and impacts how you relate to others, how you parent your kids to make sure nothing ever happens to them. It robs you of your innocence and makes you hyper vigilant for life! Nothing he can do will fix this, he has massively impacted his sisters life and if you do not step in and protect your children this could get worse.

He is a predator and you need to understand that and then act accordingly.
Sorry if this is coming off strong but I’ve been on the other side and you’ve no idea the damage people like him cause.

I am surprised if any of so judgemental MNs did not have some sort of strange sexual play with others at child/early teen stage.
It's just exploring.

This is a really bad take. At 16 you're legally of age to have an adult sex life.

Noncing on other, younger children, siblings no less, is abuse and a criminal activity, not "exploration".

This. WHY are all these outraged MNers that are assuming he must be a sex offender for life and peadophile, completely ignoring every single poster who’s been a victim of sibling SA saying it’s more complex than that?! Just because it doesn’t fit your uninformed narrative you’re quietly ignoring these peoples’ real life - and therefore, informed opinions?! These are people who have been through this themselves and are clearly saying it’s more complex than - “must be peado. Never let him see his own children again. Bin him immediately.” They are the authority on this - not outraged people who’ve never experienced sibling SA or been in the OP’s position. You all need to wind your necks in

It's not exploration to coerce your younger sister into sexual acts when you're 16.

As for thinking it's fishy.....

It's a well known fact that many victims of abuse don't speak out for years or decades.
She could have been triggered by many things, OP seems to have recently had a baby, maybe it's a girl and that triggered the sister.
Maybe it's the fact he fell out with the mother that finally allowed the sister to speak openly about him to her mother.
There could be many other different reasons.

But yet you choose to be suspicious of the girl who was abused at 13?

Why?

Some of these posters need to be put on a watch list!! 👀

Victims of child sexual assault at the hands of their dads will often have a complex relationship with them too and still love them and see good points about them.

It's not unusual for victims of child sexual assault to be shocked when they find out that there were other victims either, because they thought they were the only one.

This. I always see the sentiment on here of "listen to and believe victims" but on this thread I - and others have (very bravely, this is incredibly hard to talk about) given our perspectives and they have been drowned out by a lot of naive black and white thinking.

As I said earlier - @ParkFunRunRun - I don't know what this means for your relationship, and I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. I DO know that my brother is not a paedophile. I DO know that I have long standing emotional issues from what happened in my childhood. I DO know that sibling sexual abuse is far more common than most people would like to acknowledge. And the science suggests it is NOT the same as paedophilia or adult on child sexual abuse.

OP - I echo PPs in suggesting speaking to professional organisations and/or therapists experienced with this. It is not as clear cut as MN would make it seem.

Why has he never mentioned it to you if he’s such a great guy?? Because it’s wrong!

Lots of us had shit parents, most of us didn’t abuse our siblings. You are minimising and making excuses.

I get that you are probably in shock but imagine in a few years when your dc ask why aunt doesn’t talk to dad. What will you say?

What if your ds did this to your dd when they are teens. Would it be ok because they’re teenagers??

Protect your children.

The age is an issue. The OP said 15/16yo.

At 16yo, as many posters have said, he was trying to rape a child.
At 15yo, he would still have been considered a child himself.

It doesn’t make things better. But I’m wondering how much weight to put on the age he was.