TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

@Skepticalsausage
"But unless there is a massive backstory none of us are aware of, OPs husband is unlikely to be in the same category of offender that are included in the stats you mention. Those stats are about convicted offenders"

Charging and conviction rates for sexual abuse and rape are abysmally low - are you suggesting that anything that does not result in a successful prosecution did not happen, was all made up by the victim.
The OP states that her SiL does not want to report to the police - I can understand why, it's very unlikely to reduce the trauma that SiL has been living with for decades.

He thought he'd got away with it and it would stay secret for another 3 decades. Any talk about "atonement" now is because he knows how this could play out and he is shit scared.

I'll forgive teenagers a lot of stuff but anyone who doesn't see how and why this crossed a terrible line is missing the fact that the victim clearly hasn't "got over it" and has to live with it every day of her life.

The fact he claims to have ‘forgotten’ sexually assaulting his sister is deeply troubling OP. You can’t actually buy that surely?

I have never, and I mean never sexually assaulted somebody as a teen. And certainly not a sibling. You thinking that sexual assault and attempted incest is “just something teenagers do, is disturbing.

And please stop with the “why is she bringing it up now?”

Why do people constantly say this about female victims of sexual abuse. She was 13. It is not surprising that she waited till adulthood to feel strong enough to disclose. Your comment is truly disgusting for all victims of sexual assault.

They are not the authority on the topic. They are only the authority on their individual experience

How do you know your brother has never assaulted anyone else? You can believe he has not but how do you KNOW?

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope your brother is in jail where he belongs.

Considering the person you are talking to disclosed their own sexual abuse at the hands of their brother (who turned out to be a continued child molestor) I think she probably would say this to a friend in real life

@Roxietrees thankfully my brothers partner and mother to his child did the right thing and left him that day. A good mother would fuck him out immediately. I would say exactly what I've said to anyone in real life exactly what I've said here.

I would also happily contact social services.

My brother was 28 when he had his daughter, his girlfriend was 18 and still in her school uniform, the sick bastard.

This woman is disgraceful and her reaction is not normal.

I do have sympathy for op but not if she stays with him.

I cannot believe some people are defending OPs husband. Even as a dumb teenager I knew sexual assault and incest were wrong. Paedophiles and sexual predators often start offending as teenagers/young adults.

@JHound oh I absofuvkinlutely would, without hesitation.

My brother was always a paedo, I was just available wasn't I.

This thread has knocked me for 6 today.

Looking at my own daughter's here today and knowing this woman has not ran her husband just breaks my heart.

@JHound You can believe my lived experience or not. There's nothing I can say on an anonymous forum that can convince you. What I can say is that the few scientific studies done around sibling sexual abuse point to a more complex picture than has been represented by responses on this thread. Yes, some sibling sexual abusers are likely paedophiles or sexual deviants who will go on to offend again, but many are not. It is NOT as straightforward as other forms of abuse, which doesn't - unfortunately - make it any less harmful to those who have experienced it. But it categorically is not always black and white. And I will again reiterate my advice to OP to speak with organisations trained in this specific, complex area. I'm not trying to exonerate her husband, and it is incredibly difficult to speak about my experiences (there are very few people IRL I've told), but it is not as straightforward as many assume on this thread.

I can't believe the ignorance on here.

Just go on a any pornographic site and you'll find the most popular categories include incestuous relationships and barely legal.

What this shows is that these are extremely common areas of sexual desire. Yet if you were to ask a man if they had these desires, you barely find a single one that says yes.

The attraction is not the issue here. To be attracted to someone 4 years younger than you or even 75% of your age is completely normal. To ve attracted someone you are constantly around is also totally normal. Although normal, acting family desires are obviously not and shouldn't be an acceptable part of society.

As such, you will not find anyone being open about such desires, even though most men in the world have had them.

As half the comments admit to, people were not fully developed when they were 16 and although they should have known right from wrong, they didn't always, and certainly didn't always act on it.

If this was a one off, and the person was honest enough to acknowledge it that it was wrong to act in that way, I personally think it would be extremely short-sighted, hypocritical and living in dreamland to come to a logical conclusion to not give this guy a chance to move forward.

I understand however that feelings and sentiment of a mother may not allow the decision of logic to override that of emotion, and that is the ultimate factor in a relationship.

@funkylikeachicken I am so sorry for what you went through and the OP does indeed need to seek IRL guidance. It doesn't change the fact that she has made some very minimising comments on here that dismiss any potential risk from her husband and that is a huge danger for her children. I think a lot of us are trying to say that, because she doesn't seem to realise it.

I’d argue most of us don’t see a 16 year old as an adult - it doesn’t diminish their responsibilities, but they’re not adults.

In the eyes of the law, if a sixteen year old has sex with someone younger than that, then they're an adult who has assaulted a child.

Now okay, in the case of a sixteen year old with his fifteen year old girlfriend, it's a bit of a legal technicality, but in the case of a sixteen year old with a much younger child (and three years at that age very much is), then it is assault.

The attraction is not the issue here. To be attracted to someone 4 years younger than you or even 75% of your age is completely normal. To ve attracted someone you are constantly around is also totally normal. Although normal, acting family desires are obviously not and shouldn't be an acceptable part of society.

Your definition of normal is most people's definition of deeply fucked up, tbf.

I get where you and other posters are coming from, honestly - but I also don't think calling her or implying that she is a neglectful mother for not immediately walking out the door / reporting to SS or police (against her SIL's wishes) is massively helpful at this stage, given the complexity of her situation

If this was a one off, and the person was honest enough to acknowledge it that it was wrong to act in that way, I personally think it would be extremely short-sighted, hypocritical and living in dreamland to come to a logical conclusion to not give this guy a chance to move forward.

Move forward, good God.

@ArtTheClown agree.

I can say with 100% certainty that I have never wanted to have sex with my brother. It is NOT common or normal for siblings to be sexually attracted to each other, especially not if they grew up together.

Loopy?!

I've a very male heavy family and I've never heard of anything like this happening in my family or to anyone else I know.

I'd leave him and never look back.

Right? Come on OPs sister in law! I mean yes your BROTHER sexually assaulted you and wanted to rape you when you were a child, but come on! It's common and totally normal behaviour. Move on!

Are these people seriously hearing themselves? Total moral bankruptcy.

It makes me feel sick thinking anyone could do this. It makes me feel sick knowing an anonymous person is married to someone who did this.

There is not a hope in hell I could continue a relationship with someone who admitted this. It is sickening.

Just go on a any pornographic site and you'll find the most popular categories include incestuous relationships and barely legal.
What this shows is that these are extremely common areas of sexual desire. Yet if you were to ask a man if they had these desires, you barely find a single one that says yes.

I don't think the name of the title is necessarily reflective of the viewers sexual interests, they just label them as something but they're not necessarily showing anything like that.

To ve attracted someone you are constantly around is also totally normal. Although normal, acting family desires are obviously not and shouldn't be an acceptable part of society.

It is absolutely not normal to be attracted to a sibling. It's common among siblings who weren't raised together and who meet later on, but that's because the 'reverse sexual imprinting' as it's called hasn't occured because they weren't raised together.

If this was a one off, and the person was honest enough to acknowledge it that it was wrong to act in that way, I personally think it would be extremely short-sighted, hypocritical and living in dreamland to come to a logical conclusion to not give this guy a chance to move forward.

Where's the hypocrisy exactly? Living in dreamland? what are you going on about? It seems that you're the one living there when you think the logical thing to do in this act like it's no big deal and carry on in the relationship with him. It's more like a warped dreamland that you're living in.

IF I'd coerced my younger siblings into something so depraved, I wouldn't have kept quiet about it for 30 years and kept on popping round for tea.

I'd have left as soon as possible, from guilt and shame, and sought decades of counselling, pondering what the hell was wrong with me. I'd have cut all ties with my family, to let my sibling heal and live peacefully.

Your OH is lacking any sense of regret, is glad noone has mentioned it and has had THIRTY YEARS of his sister having to supress this and play happy families.

It's one of the worst things I've read on MN.