Page 12 | TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

ParkFunRunRun · 2025-04-27T10:49:32+00:00

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness. He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings. We have DC. Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think? He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

InALonelyWorld · 27/04/2025 16:21

Roxietrees · 27/04/2025 16:15

This got me thinking about the awful things people do as teens that they would never, in a million years consider doing as adults. As I posted on another thread inspired by this - I had a relentless bully as a teen - regular death threats, rape threats, i genuinely feared for my life. One day I decided I couldn’t cope anymore and decided I’d “hire a hitman” to kill her. I knew some dodgy people and genuinely planned to ask someone and started saving money to pay them (thankfully never got the nerve to ask in the end). Would I ever do that now? Obviously not. My brain and sense of morals/values were completely different then. I was an idiot. Not minimising what he has done - it’s truly awful and I can’t imagine the lifelong impact he has had on his sister. But it does not automatically mean he, as an adult with a very different brain, must be a sexual predator. I would be wary but I wouldn’t automatically ASSUME. In the same way I hope people wouldn’t assume that I could easily be a murderer.

Sorry this made me laugh. I, too, spent plenty time when I was younger thinking of hiring a hitman to off all the people who were ruining my life. Who knows what would have happened if I actually knew one 😅

Energe · 27/04/2025 16:22

Stop making excuses for this disgusting man.
He’s ‘pretty’ ashamed. And he’s forgotten it?

No. No he hadn’t. That poor young girl.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 27/04/2025 16:24

Sorry , but I don't see how this can ever be put right . Nothing your "dh" can do will ever put it right .

Wafflesandsyrup · 27/04/2025 16:26

I can't believe you are even considering staying with an insestual paedophile.

Chances are this isn't the only time he's abused someone. Now one person has spoken out, I wouldn't be surprised if more women speak up about him.

ETA: you say 15/16. Very clever. If he was 16 he's a paedophile.

Dingalingalong · 27/04/2025 16:29

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 11:55

I am not sure. I was loopy at that age. Did all kinds of things I’d now not consider.

Would this be it for you?

I think if he’d minimised it, denied it, tried to avoid accountability I’d be much clearer.

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Of course that would be it!
"Loopy at that age", are you serious?!?!?!?! He sexually assaulted and tried to rape his sister. The fuck more do you need?!
It's not about being loopy at that age, I have 2 brothers and no they didn't try to rape me when they were 15. I have never been so shocked by a comment, this is mental!

Skepticalsausage · 27/04/2025 16:32

Jollyjoy · 27/04/2025 16:06

I don’t know that he only committed a single sexual offence as a teen. Neither do you.

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Well no, but all we have to go on is what OP has said, and the report of what his sister said. We could invent any number of fictional histories for this man, and condemn him on that basis, but I don’t see the merit in that, do you?

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 16:38

Hyperbole really isn't going to help OP.

Lots of 13/14 yr old girls date 15/16 yr old boys - it doesn't make the 15/16 yr old a paedophile.

Obviously he sexually assaulted his sister which is horrific. But claiming he's a paedophile and attracted to children as an adult is a huge leap. OP says he was 15/16 at the time, a child himself. There's nothing in the facts presented that suggest he has paedophile tendencies. Sexual assault, yes, but paedophile, no. Let's not obscure the facts here.

Mary Bell was a child killer, killing other children when she was a child herself. She's gone on to lead an entirely uneventful life with no other violent crime.

It is entirely possible that whatever was going on with him at the time is no longer an issue now, but I think it needs to be explored professionally. It's left his sister with trauma, and I can't imagine how you face a partner who's confessed to that, and continue to feel the same way about them.

Professional help to work through this is essential, for the sake of all involved. This is a huge and shocking revelation, and of course you're going to want to seek assurances OP that there's been no other sexual deviance.

But I agree with PP that with an immature teen-child mind it's possible to be a person and do things that would be unthinkable as an adult. This crosses a lot further than most of us could imagine, but the principle remains the same.

A level head is needed here to figure out what you want, what you can accept, and how to move forward - with or without him. And I think you need professional help to do all of that. All the best OP.

Dingalingalong · 27/04/2025 16:38

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:36

There is no evidence that he is a current danger to children. There was only two years between them. He’d be horrified by the idea of it now. Nothing at all to indicate he’s a current risk.

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I don't think those pointing out he's a danger to your children is particularly because of the age, but because of the incest aspect of the abuse. The fact that he inflicted this crime specifically on a family member over which he had the upper hand. To me, that's where I see the danger to your children.

Deebee90 · 27/04/2025 16:44

Roxietrees · 27/04/2025 16:02

“You deserve your kids taking off you” ?!

Such an uneducated, simplistic view of what is clearly a complex and incredibly difficult situation for the OP.

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Not uneducated at all. If she stays with that monster then she is just as bad. It’s his sister not some random person who even then that is bad. Just because he admitted it doesn’t mean it’s swept under the carpet. The marriage should be over he’s an abuser .

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:45

Hang on a minute - I feel like I've missed something here. You are talking about "going to the authorities" and lots of posters keep mentioning that he sexual assaulted her and attempted to rape her - but that's not what you said in your posts. You said that he had suggested that they do stuff and she said no. Whilst it's totally inappropriate, no crime has been committed, so why on earth are people mentioning police?

His sister wants to forget it (why is she mentioning it now, you have to wonder?), so I've no idea why you'd be contacting anyone and going in with all guns blazing. Talk about blowing up your own family without even taking a breath! Take time to just digest it. Maybe do some reading on the topic to try to get some insight as to what may have been going on. I'm sure it's complex. I highlt doubt that this means that at 45 he has an interest in 13 year old girs, FFS he was 15 at the time.

Mumsnet at it's finest.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:48

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:45

Hang on a minute - I feel like I've missed something here. You are talking about "going to the authorities" and lots of posters keep mentioning that he sexual assaulted her and attempted to rape her - but that's not what you said in your posts. You said that he had suggested that they do stuff and she said no. Whilst it's totally inappropriate, no crime has been committed, so why on earth are people mentioning police?

His sister wants to forget it (why is she mentioning it now, you have to wonder?), so I've no idea why you'd be contacting anyone and going in with all guns blazing. Talk about blowing up your own family without even taking a breath! Take time to just digest it. Maybe do some reading on the topic to try to get some insight as to what may have been going on. I'm sure it's complex. I highlt doubt that this means that at 45 he has an interest in 13 year old girs, FFS he was 15 at the time.

Mumsnet at it's finest.

He coerced her into a sexual act and then tried to bribe her into full sex. A crime absolutely has been committed

anytipswelcome · 27/04/2025 16:49

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:45

Hang on a minute - I feel like I've missed something here. You are talking about "going to the authorities" and lots of posters keep mentioning that he sexual assaulted her and attempted to rape her - but that's not what you said in your posts. You said that he had suggested that they do stuff and she said no. Whilst it's totally inappropriate, no crime has been committed, so why on earth are people mentioning police?

His sister wants to forget it (why is she mentioning it now, you have to wonder?), so I've no idea why you'd be contacting anyone and going in with all guns blazing. Talk about blowing up your own family without even taking a breath! Take time to just digest it. Maybe do some reading on the topic to try to get some insight as to what may have been going on. I'm sure it's complex. I highlt doubt that this means that at 45 he has an interest in 13 year old girs, FFS he was 15 at the time.

Mumsnet at it's finest.

Yes you have missed something.

He did coerce her into a ‘sexual act’ (and admitted so) but didn’t manage to coerce her into full sex.

He absolutely sexually assaulted her and has admitted that.

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:49

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:48

He coerced her into a sexual act and then tried to bribe her into full sex. A crime absolutely has been committed

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I have missed a post then - what sexual act did they actually do?

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:53

Just been over all of the Op's posts, and she doesn't say anywhere that they actually did anything.

anytipswelcome · 27/04/2025 16:56

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:53

Just been over all of the Op's posts, and she doesn't say anywhere that they actually did anything.

It’s literally the first line of her first post…?

And it’s really odd to ask for the specific sex act.

Saying a sexual act is as specific as is required on a thread like this.

InALonelyWorld · 27/04/2025 16:56

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:49

I have missed a post then - what sexual act did they actually do?

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It clearly states in the OP that full sex was refused but a sexual act happened. Does it really matter what the specific act was? Coercion was used, regardless of minute details it was SA and then he considered/attempted going the full hog.

Uricon2 · 27/04/2025 16:57

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:53

Just been over all of the Op's posts, and she doesn't say anywhere that they actually did anything.

when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

From the original post. OP does not say what.

Roxietrees · 27/04/2025 16:57

Deebee90 · 27/04/2025 16:44

Not uneducated at all. If she stays with that monster then she is just as bad. It’s his sister not some random person who even then that is bad. Just because he admitted it doesn’t mean it’s swept under the carpet. The marriage should be over he’s an abuser .

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Again, massively over-simplifying what (as many PPs who have been victims of sa by siblings) have said, is an extremely complex issue and does not automatically mean the perpetrator will become an abuser in adulthood nor does it mean he is a peadophile. Nothing to do with thinking what he did was in any way acceptable or that he wasn’t an abuser as a teen. He very clearly was. It just doesn’t automatically mean he is as an adult. There’s loads of studies on this. Maybe you should read them before wading in with uninformed opinions

ambercabs · 27/04/2025 16:58

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:49

I have missed a post then - what sexual act did they actually do?

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they didn’t do

He forced

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:59

investmentquandry · 27/04/2025 16:53

Just been over all of the Op's posts, and she doesn't say anywhere that they actually did anything.

It’s literally in the OP…

he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

funkylikeachicken · 27/04/2025 17:04

ownroom · 27/04/2025 15:07

It is really rare for sexual offenders to only offend once without intervention. Whatever you previously believed about your partner and his safety around your children and others, needs to be reconsidered.

He needs to go to therapy - one that is specifically for sex offenders. Look up StopSO. He needs to process what he did, understand why and make sure it never happens again. If it hasn't already.

None of this is silly things 16 year olds do. It's not a boyfriend pressuring his girlfriend into going a bit further than she wants. (Which would still be concerning 'red flag' behaviour.) It was an extremely violent, aberrant act that crossed many lines. Take this very seriously.

You will currently be in shock. Get into therapy. It's okay to leave. Right now you might not think you want to but that may change.

I'm not sure this is true when it comes to sibling sexual abuse. It's really a different circumstance, if you look at the scientific literature, and not well understood because it is so severely underreported

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/04/2025 17:04

Was he 15 or 16?..He must know.

I would ask him to leave as I would never be able to trust him.

EasternEcho · 27/04/2025 17:05

OldSkuul · 27/04/2025 13:02

Wtf? A hormonal-raging teen being attracted to his sister who's a couple of years younger than him, does not equal a danger to his own kids at 45. Not when there's never been a hint of sexual improperiety since.

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For people minimizing this with the fact that this happened long time ago, and he's a changed man, and no threat to children etc, it's perhaps worth looking up the Westermarck effect, which refers to the observed phenomenon in which individuals who are raised in close proximity during early childhood develop a strong sexual aversion to each other later in life. This is what prevents incest in the vast number of cases, and why most of feel disgust at the thought of it.

If an individual did not experience the Westermarck effect (the natural aversion to close relatives) or if it was diminished for some reason, it could mean that they never had the same biological or psychological safeguards against incest that most people would have. In the absence of these built-in protections, they might not feel the same emotional or physical repulsion that others do. It definitely is something worth considering.

funkylikeachicken · 27/04/2025 17:10

Moanycowbag · 27/04/2025 15:23

Agree WTF x 2

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Having been a long-term victim in a similar situation (though younger) than OP's SIL, I can honestly say the previous response reflects my feelings massively. It is NOT as clear cut, black and white, as posters without direct experience are making it seem

Monty88 · 27/04/2025 17:11

ParkFunRunRun · 27/04/2025 12:05

His dad was hiding an affair at the time and out a lot and is possibly the least empathic person I’ve ever met. Very authoritarian. Having seen him with GC he is not at all child centred. His own mum was hyper critical and cold so it’s easy to see where he got that from.

His mum is lovely. A lot but not very emotionally available. She shows love by doing things and advising but was working full time and holding down the house.

The sense I get is that he was seen as a problem child’ somewhat.

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If trying to shag your own sister doesn’t make you a problem child, I don’t know what does.