Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

I think you are right to think carefully about this. It’s not being grabby, it is being realistic about the life you will lead.

How low is low paid, could he contribute to a shared mortgage/bills/holidays? Does he have a pension?

Do you actually want him to move in with you?. I would not do this and I would reassess this relationship completely. I would not have him move in at all with you given his financial situation. I note too he wants to get a job closer to where you live; hmmmmm.

What is his relationship history like?.

How have you been helping him out?. Close the bank of redtindin with immediate effect. Stop carrying him. Watch how he reacts to that.

You need a partner; not a project nor fixer upper and this man is precisely both.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. This is a question you can indeed ask yourself.

It sounds like he’s been coasting along his entire adult life.

Living alone is expensive but bound to be cheaper in a house share. The reality is he’s had 20+ years as an adult to get some savings behind him. Long before the cost of living hit. What chance does he have at getting a better paid job now? He won’t have the experience or qualifications behind him (?)

As for buying a house together.. That’s going to be unrealistic if he’s living month to month. Don’t let him move in either. I fear him looking for a job closed would turn into ‘Can I stay as it’s easier for me to commute?’ and then before you know it you’ve got a cocklodger.

It's not being grabby to be concerned about somebody at his stage in life having no savings, living in a shared house, working part time, and with no apparent impetus to improve his position. Has something happened in his life to put him in such a precarious position? And stop helping him out. He's not your financial responsibility, and he needs to step up himself.

… and don’t give him another penny. If he can’t see you because he’s skint then go see your friends instead.

The only working 30 hours and having no savings would not suit me. Even my teens who get pocket money know they have to save some. I'd tell him to get a full time job so he isn't always broke. Also stop paying for him. If he can't afford to go out, go out with a friend. I wouldn't let him move in because it will mean you have less money to spend.

I wouldn't do it. Please don't move him in and certainly don't buy a house with him.

Sounds like a potential cock lodger tbh

To be fair to him he seems to be a good employee and seems to have enjoyed and been passionate about all his jobs, barman, waiter, delivery driver and so on where he works now would be considered a very bad job by most but he's very positive about it but does want a new one. He never has anything bad to say about any place he has worked.

He has had a couple of girlfriends over the years but nothing lasting but then I am in the same boat.

What are you helping him out with?

@Factsandfeelings Just paying for him when we go out, or paying for his petrol to get home or sometimes paying for food he will take home. That kind of thing.

What’s classed as a very bad job?

Low paid unskilled work I guess, its not what I think as such but its how many would describe it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I just feel like he's the nicest guy I've met in years. I just wasn't that open to relationships when younger. I have had some awful experiences over the past few years online dating and prior to that dated a man who treated me like I was a chore. Its lovely to be with someone who seems genuinely excited to be with me and who treats me so well.

He’s got bar, waiting on and delivery driver experience, and yet he can’t find an additional second job, or any job with more than 30 hours a week?

He doesn’t even have £1000 to his name?

Yeah I’ll bet he’s looking for jobs closer to where you live, with one eye on your lovely little flat where he’ll turn up with a suitcase full of clothes in his clapped out old banger and he won’t even bring so much as a stick of furniture, a set of cutlery or even a tea towel.

Nope, throw this one back.

@GardenGaff If he took a bar or waiting job then he'd have to work weekends which is the only time we get to see each other.

I tend to think as long as they are happy and earning enough then it doesn’t matter what their job is but he’s clearly struggling to afford the basics.

My worry is they start asking for small amounts and then before you know it they need a fortune. Like the £1000 bill..

He may only be nice because he’s using you and looking for a (free) roof over his head in your flat.

This sounds like something someone would do for their child who is going back to their shared flat at uni with a full tank of fuel, a bag of food and some clean washing.

Not a man in his 40’s. Ick!

That may be the case but he can’t afford food and petrol. A job needs to come first in this case.

@GardenGaff So what about the fact that my sister lives with her husband, hasn't worked in about 15 years now and has a lovely home (no kids) and lifestyle all provided for her by her husband? Does that make her a (whatever) lodger?

I suppose its different if they have been together for since they were kids. I kind of agree with you and I would feel taken for a ride if I ended up providing for my boyfriend in this way but it doesn't seem that big a deal when my BIL does it for my sister.

Ok let’s pretend that he can only see you at the weekend… He has 90 free hours on the days he doesn’t see you.

He can’t find any second job to fit around all that free time?

I would find it hard to be with someone who didn’t share the same ambitions and financial values. Even when we were broke in our 20s, Dh who has a university degree was out getting whatever job he could get to be more financially secure, farm labour, he picked watercress for a bit, did labouring in a warehouse for a prefab house manufacturer, until something FT came along. I cannot imagine that post-Brexit when hospitality is starving for workers that he couldn’t find something. And with no long term partner or children all these years, he should have had ample free time and flexibility.

@GardenGaff He lives quite far from me in a place where his work is the only employer their isn't that much work going in his area which is why he's trying to find something closer to me. There aren't many places to pick up additional work where he lives.

He drives though. Most of my friends have an hours commute to work 5 days a week. My ex would travel from Newcastle to London for a single meeting.

Why is he restricted to his local area?