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Original poster

Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

181 replies

redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:00

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 22/04/2025 15:36

I think it depends on where his money is going - is it being eaten up by rent and insurance etc., or is he just not prioritising saving? If he’s not prioritising (it sounds like this is the case as he won’t take on more than 30hrs), I couldn’t get on board with that.

To be in your 40s and not even try to prioritise having something put away is not a good sign. Does he ever go on holiday or attend weddings etc.? What if the landlord served an eviction notice to sell the house? What if he had to buy a new car? What’s his plan for retirement? It sounds like he just lives day to day, not sure if that’s someone you can build a future with.

TheBossOfMe · 22/04/2025 15:37

redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:29

@GardenGaff So what about the fact that my sister lives with her husband, hasn't worked in about 15 years now and has a lovely home (no kids) and lifestyle all provided for her by her husband? Does that make her a (whatever) lodger?

I suppose its different if they have been together for since they were kids. I kind of agree with you and I would feel taken for a ride if I ended up providing for my boyfriend in this way but it doesn't seem that big a deal when my BIL does it for my sister.

I think that's because they probably made that life decision together, and her "job" is looking after her husband, facilitating his career and running the home. I assume she didn't unilaterally decide to give up work, and it suits him very well to have her working in the home.

Your situation is a bit different.

JazzyBBBG · 22/04/2025 15:37

redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:29

@GardenGaff So what about the fact that my sister lives with her husband, hasn't worked in about 15 years now and has a lovely home (no kids) and lifestyle all provided for her by her husband? Does that make her a (whatever) lodger?

I suppose its different if they have been together for since they were kids. I kind of agree with you and I would feel taken for a ride if I ended up providing for my boyfriend in this way but it doesn't seem that big a deal when my BIL does it for my sister.

But I bet your sister is raising the kids, cooking the meals, cleaning the toilet, doing the doctors appointments etc. Would he do that?

Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:37

@CloudCustard He isn't but for a second job he is.

OP posts:
justanotherboymum · 22/04/2025 15:41

I wouldn’t be with someone in that situation personally. It’s not the low paid work, it’s the only working 30 hours and not saving a thing in all those years. I would date someone who had a low paid job but they have to be careful with money

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 15:41

Don’t make allowances for him because it works for your sister and her partner.

Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:42

@JazzyBBBG They don't have kids but she does do everything else and cooks amazing food.

@TheBossOfMe That's true they both prefer her being at home so that when he gets in its just their time together. I guess it is the length of time they have been together they didn't just jump into that but built that life together. Also I think its true that its still more acceptable for women to stay home and for men to be the provider.

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 22/04/2025 15:45

I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt until you said you can’t save much because you’re helping him. Put it in focus- he works 30 hours a week which of over 5 days is 6 hours a day- there are 24 hours in a day. He lives in a house share, at 45 years old. He did not have £1000 for a bill not even in a credit card which suggests he’s bad with money. You pay for his meals out/petrol. You are trying to make it seem better by comparing your sister and her husband whom I presume have been together for years and at some point she worked. You have known this man 1 year. Like others have said I’m sure he is looking for work closer to you, once he’s moved in your flat he will either stop paying anything towards bills or lose his job. Have a look at the whole relationship as a whole, you say you have never been treated better, I’m sure that’s easy for him to do as you’re paying for everything, please don’t move in with him as why would you need too?. You’re in your mid 40’s there is no need to live together.

TheBossOfMe · 22/04/2025 15:46

@redtindin I was the provider and my exH a SAHP for a long time. Kind of fell into it and I ended up very resentful of carrying the entire burden of financially providing, and on top of that doing most of the "Wifework". There's a reason he's my ex. It wasn't about gender roles, it was about one person not pulling their weight, and the other just happily coasting letting me carry all the stress and strain.

Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:50

@TwinklyRoseTurtle I appreciate all of that, its obviously bothering me or else I wouldn't have posted. I feel like this could just be a bit of a struggle to get on a better footing or it could be a potentially bad situation down the line. I don't think he would ever just leave his job but its possible he would lose it and not be able to find work.

I just really want a partner and he could be the one. I think he would be hurt if he got a job much closer to me and I refused to let him move in.

OP posts:
Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:51

@TheBossOfMe I suppose that is the issue, when women don't work they tend to take care of everything else whereas its a risk that women end up just doing everything on top of working and earning.

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 22/04/2025 15:53

redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:50

@TwinklyRoseTurtle I appreciate all of that, its obviously bothering me or else I wouldn't have posted. I feel like this could just be a bit of a struggle to get on a better footing or it could be a potentially bad situation down the line. I don't think he would ever just leave his job but its possible he would lose it and not be able to find work.

I just really want a partner and he could be the one. I think he would be hurt if he got a job much closer to me and I refused to let him move in.

That’s understandable but regardless of whether he is hurt or not you don’t owe him housing. I would just make it clear to him to look for a shared accommodation near you for when he finds his job- no staying at yours for a few days as he won’t leave. He can be the one and still not live together, if he demanded it and was hurt I would see that as a red flag.

Whynotaxthisyear · 22/04/2025 15:54

He's not that bothered about money by the sound of it, and there's something very lovely about a person who doesn't compete for status and doesn't stress so long as he has the basics.
If you do live together you probably will end up as the breadwinner in effect. It's a question of whether you can stand that. I have a friend who has been the sole earner for decades while her husband potters around earning tiny amounts of money from various creative or alternative activities. BUT he cooks and takes care of the house, helps out with her work whenever needed, and adores her. She feels safe and happy with him.
What would worry me about your DP is the fact that an unexpected bill means he can't pay for any treats for a long time, and he hasn't in any way budgeted for that or consider its effect on his relationship. I'd be inclined to explain that you don't want to pay for treats for the two of you as a regular thing, and suggest that you only have free outings together until his situation resolves. This might encourage him to earn more. Don't start anything you are not prepared to continue indefinitely.

Sulu17 · 22/04/2025 15:58

I was in a relationship similar to yours, OP quite a few years ago. he really was a lovely guy in many ways and we did have quite a lot in common. But he was in a minimum wage job and seemed quite happy with things that way. This might have been fine, but it would have meant that my wages would have had to stretch for both of us quite a lot of the time. I was only a medium earner, too.

I felt bad feeling the way I did, but in the end I couldn't get past it and I wanted more for myself and a partner. I wanted holidays abroad and eating out sometimes, nothing fancy but a secure and quite comfortable life. I wouldn't have got this with him, so I ended it.

Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:58

@Whynotaxthisyear Thank you for this perspective. I don't think he is driven by money. I do confess I like nice things and to go out to nice places. I can't afford to do that and pay for both of us. I'm not a high enough earner to be a breadwinner for another person.

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 22/04/2025 16:01

redtindin · 22/04/2025 15:58

@Whynotaxthisyear Thank you for this perspective. I don't think he is driven by money. I do confess I like nice things and to go out to nice places. I can't afford to do that and pay for both of us. I'm not a high enough earner to be a breadwinner for another person.

That's a fundamental incompatibility IMO, and will eventually breed resentment.

Original poster
redtindin · 22/04/2025 16:04

@TheBossOfMe Or perhaps I need to adjust my expectations of what my life will be like if I want to have an ongoing relationship with him. The other option would be to see if he will perhaps up his game and take earning more seriously in order to be with me?

OP posts:
DwarfPalmetto · 22/04/2025 16:06

What your sister does in her relationship is a bit of a red herring. They have a long standing marriage and are free to organise their lives to suit them. You have known this man for only a year and are clearly not happy with your situation, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

It seems to me that he is nice enough and maybe you enjoy spending time with him, but that doesn't automatically mean he should become your long term partner or move in with you.

It is concerning that you are no longer saving because you are paying out for him. I wouldn't risk my future that way.

Sulu17 · 22/04/2025 16:06

I have a feeling that ship has sailed @redtindin , I mean the upping his game part. Maybe, if he were 25, but not now. People are as they are.

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 16:15

He’s the one putting the pressure on to move in but can he actually afford to pay 50/50 with you when he is already struggling to feed himself in a house share?

You’ve only been together for a year.
Put the breaks on.
He is looking for a new job so maybe stepping back a bit will help him have the motivation to do so.
Stop paying for him. Only do things that are free for now and do not under any circumstances let him move in whether that hurts him or now. It will hurt your bank balance far more.

SipandClean · 22/04/2025 16:17

redtindin · 22/04/2025 16:04

@TheBossOfMe Or perhaps I need to adjust my expectations of what my life will be like if I want to have an ongoing relationship with him. The other option would be to see if he will perhaps up his game and take earning more seriously in order to be with me?

I think as time went on you would start to resent him.

Sassybooklover · 22/04/2025 16:18

The problem is if a person has no skills or qualifications, it can be difficult to go beyond the 'minimum wage' job. Some people are not academic, and therefore studying isn't always an option. Equally, not everyone is ambitious or wants a high flying job, that's likely to be more stressful. He's obviously been content to earn minimum wage and happy in the jobs he's had. However, that all said, he's never going to climb onto the property ladder, because he doesn't earn enough. The fact he's still house-sharing at his age, and hasn't at least tried to rent by himself, would be a concern. I understand house-sharing would be cheaper than living by himself. In all honesty if you want to keep dating him, that's fine but don't allow him to move in with you and don't keep paying his share or helping him out financially. You need to see him stand on his own two feet, and if he's incapable of doing so, then I wouldn't continue with the relationship.

nearlylovemyusername · 22/04/2025 16:28

redtindin · 22/04/2025 16:04

@TheBossOfMe Or perhaps I need to adjust my expectations of what my life will be like if I want to have an ongoing relationship with him. The other option would be to see if he will perhaps up his game and take earning more seriously in order to be with me?

He won't. At 40+ this ship has truly sailed.

Why do you want to move in with him? what difference will this make to you? aren't you seeing enough of him now?

Imagine these scenarios:

  • life goes on as is, you live together, you pay for most of things. Will you resent him?
  • you live together, he lost his job and can't find another one. Will you kick him out?
  • you live together, something bad lifechanging happens to you. Will he stay with you to support?

If you don't move together and this relationship eventually dies out and don't have another one, will you regret?

BangersAndGnash · 22/04/2025 16:31

I presume that he will have no pension except Pension Credit when he is 68?

If you earned enough to afford your preferred lifestyle for you both without thinking twice, throughout your retirement, and if he was such a fantastic person that he inspired you, supported you, you felt you simply could not live your life without him in it, then fine.

But what when his current car packs up? What if he can’t work for a while?

We are all different: I would not want your sister’s life, I would feel like a pet, and I would not be intellectually stimulated. My sense of ambition would be unfulfilled, and I would feel embarrassed telling people what I do.

Buy clearly it works for her and your BIL. Which is great for them. But doesn’t mean it has to work for you if it…just doesn’t.

Kitchi · 22/04/2025 16:34

This is interesting to me as I have a long-term friend who is a bit younger, but otherwise basically your boyfriend. He’s a really nice and interesting person, and I’m sure he’d be a considerate boyfriend, but he brings absolutely nothing to the table in terms of drive or financial security.

I think this is the sole reason he’s been so unsuccessful in the dating pool, to be honest. Most women look for men who they can build a better future with.

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