Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

You know it’s ok on mumsnet.

Shock…some people live paycheque to paycheque

i feel like you should have thought about this before you spent a year dating him.

at the end of the day you can go back on the market and look for a man with money, hoping that you find someone who loves you and takes care of you and makes you happy, like your partner does…or you can learn to live with less money, budget and save where possible, and be happy and loved.

i know what i would be doing. Staying with him and then if possible, helping him to make more of himself (and yourself too)

💯 it’s ok. If you have a vagina you are entitled to everything you want, sod the men around you as they are all massive wastes of space 🥱

mumsnet is a funny place with all of the double standards isn’t it

It seemed to me the OP was alluding to that though. See where the next few months take him if she encourages him to work a few extra hours per week?
I'd carry on dating and get to the 2 year mark (as all the fizzy new lovey feelings have tempered down by a bit by then) and see if he try's to step up just a tiny bit.

The fact that he doesn’t even work full time would be a red flag to me in all honesty. I don’t for one minute believe he can’t get more hours at work or that he can’t find a second job. He just doesn’t want to.

I don't think generalised discussion about whether it would be ok in X or Y situation is helpful. The issue is, you don't seem to think it's ok for you.

Having a serious relationship with this man is going to require lifestyle and financial sacrifice from you. If you were ok with it, that would be fair enough. But it's bothering you now. So I don't think you fit that description. The exception would be if you were both happy to keep it a more casual relationship but again, doesn't sound like that's what either of you want from a partnership.

Also, it needs to be about helping him better himself for him, not so that he can be worthy of OP

The difference with your sister's relationship is her husband is a high earner. They can afford for her to not work. It's a luxury that a lot of people can't afford.

In your case it's likely you will be struggling for any more than a simple lifestyle which might be okay for a lot of people but you seem to want more.

I had a friend who hooked up very quickly and then married a bloke who was unemployed, no car, living in a bedsit(late forties ). She saw a lovely bloke, down on his luck, who was very popular in her local pub.

I saw someone full of himself who was very keen to get his feet under her table. He turned down a reasonable job (supervisor role) to take a low stress minimum wage job that allowed him to sit in the pub every afternoon. Never been abroad until he met her. She took out loans which she'd never done before. The relationship seemed more parent and child, than man and wife. She'll be working well past retirement, even with her inheritance as he has no pension. Not great.

The difference with your sister's relationship is her husband is a high earner. They can afford for her to not work. It's a luxury that a lot of people can't afford.

Yes, very true. If one person earns enough to keep both in the style they want to live in, it's different to if they don't. Basically, there's a difference between subsidising a partner when you can easily afford it without sacrifice and when you can't.

I think he needs to prove his self

so to find a job near you

find a flatshare near you while he saves

if he saves then you can think about getting a place together

he could be a delivery driver and earn lots

Dustmen earn well

or any nmw job and work more then 30hrs

thsts the issue

if he worked another 10/20 on top he would have enough money

You're suggesting OP act as an unpaid coach and mentor? Why?

Except that different posters have different outlooks and post different things.
The whole website isn't one entity with double standards.

You sound like a very nice woman OP but this is madness.
Why have you stepped into this role of parent to a man in his 40's.
Are you going to be his pension plan too.
He hasn't a bob and works 30 hours?

Of course he's nice and kind to you, you sound great.
But becoming the provider in a relationship of one year is madness.

If you have an ounce of sense you will suggest a complete break until he gets himself sorted.

He is not a prospect and clearly has never intended to be a prospect unless someone like you fell conveniently into his lap.

You should want more than this.
Paying for everything because he isn't adult enough to have his shit together.
Do not take on a project to fix.
So unattractive.

PPs have mentioned obvious red flags. Enough to make quite a bit of bunting.

Two more things:

You say he is very nice and is treating you really well.
He is planning to get a job closer to you, with a view of ‘possibly’ moving in with you.

Do you think the two might be connected?

Single man with no kids working dead end jobs living in a house share, working part time 30 hours because there are no jobs where he lives - but he doesn't own his own house so what's tied him to that specific area all this time? If you were single, surely you'd just move to a house share in a place where there are more jobs?

If he lives in a house share and has done for years, where has all the money he's saved gone?! House shares are cheaper than renting a one bed flat. What has he been spending his money on all these years?

No. Break up with him kindly. You can easily date someone nice, kind, working full time, with some financial sense. He's really not the only man on the planet.

Exactly this.

I’ve recently been in a similar situation to you (though his spending power is low due to paying mortgage for ex and maintenance ) he never needed money as such but I got vibes about things (debt letter lying around etc )
Im not grabby either , however I’m at a stage (kids leaving home ) where I want to be impromptu and think about my own happiness / enjoyment .

If you can live with very frugal ideas then go for it but as others have said don’t be a cash cow for him . That’s a whole different story !

Perhaps if he hasn't had many girlfriends before he hasn't had much of a reason to push himself.

I know it's an old fashioned view but some men thrive on having a partner to provide for, they get a sense of pride and a reason to strive. Also some men just aren't driven by work and earning. They can still be good men.

A good female friend of mine earns well and her husband is a stay at home dad, he's a lovely, gentle, quiet man. Never succeeded at work but does a fabulous job of bringing up their son and runs the household etc - basically he does the stereotypical women's job.

I think it's unfair that we women strive to break down gender expectations imposed upon us but still expect men to step up and provide, not all men can.

Anyway only you can decide if he's a good man not driven by money and status... or a dead beat!

Good luck!

Is he ambitious? Does he want to get promoted and earn more? I'd be suspicious of why he hasn't got full time hours in his mid forties? Has he moved from job to job without progressing? Does he have a pension? Only 20 years until he retires. What sort of retirement do you envisage?

It's not a matter of whether other women would or wouldn't accept this situation. There's no right or wrong. But it bothers you after only a year. Unless he changes massively, it's always going to bother you. In fact, it will bother you more the further you get from the honeymoon stage.

If you want a certain lifestyle, which I assume you can afford yourself, but you won't be able to if you are having to sub his share of it, then you know what to do....

If that's too stark, you could keep living separately (it's only been a year), talk seriously to him about your concerns, and see where that takes you.

Many people only work 30 hours (the old assumption of a 40 hour week doesn't apply to everyone) and may be lowly paid but that doesn't necessarily prevent them from building up savings. I think his apparent feckless approach would worry me the most. If he put aside a mere £10 a week, he have £520 after a year, plus a bit of interest.

Because we should lift up those we love for that reason alone…love. If it benefits us in the long run then great, but if you only do things for people to get a return for yourself then that will be a sad and transactional life.

It’s not even just about the low paid job.

It’s the fact that he is taking money for petrol and you are buying him food, paying for your dates etc.

He sounds like a user hiding behind a man who is down on his luck act. He’s 45 for Christ sake. If he can’t manage his money at this point in his life then he has little hope. I would assume he’s been like this his whole life and that’s why his relationships have never lasted.

“lifting up those we love” is all very well if the one being loved contributes some heavy lifting.

This guy has been drifting along all his life and is now eyeing OP’s residence as his future home…

I was recently talking to friends who work in IT - one late 60s has been forced to retire, one mid 50s took months to find a job. - they were considered too old. If they can’t get jobs with years of experience what hope for boyfriend going forward.

In my view it doesn't really matter whether one person earns everything or it is split. You mention your DS as one example and there are other relationships where it is 50/50. What does matter is that you have a frank conversation about it and you are both equally happy with the situation. Whilst your BIL and DS may be 100% happy with their situation, the question is are you happy to continue to bail him out, which will be an ongoing thing as he doesn't work full time, doesnt want another kob or have other funds. That's the real question.

I (f) have always been the slightly higher earner, DH was the SAHP for a whole and didn't earn anything - but we were both 100% happy with that. Once the kids got bigger he went back to work full time.