Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

If it's bothering you, it's not right for you. Money isn't everything and he may have plenty of other attributes (e.g. great at DIY, really good fun, varied interests, adventurous...) that more than make up for it. But if it's important to you, it won't work.

Ridiculous to compare this guy to a SAHD.
I know of two that are incredible dads.
They absolutely have reared their c and 4 children, collected from school, appointments and shopping, meals.

Both married to high earning women in medicine/law who simply couldn't do the hours necessary to be at the top of their game and uncontactable at times with children.

This guy has no shame borrowing from OP to eat🙄 .
Working 30 hours a work🙄
My sons were working 30 hours a week at times while doing busy demanding degrees.

He's lazy and OP is mad to be reducing a modest lifestyle further because you are with a man who is lazy.

Why would you do that to yourself.
Watching every penny because it has to be divided in half.
Housing and paying for him?

Possibly giving him a claim on your home that you have worked so hard for... to clean up after, feed and pay for....

Madness op, absolute madness.

So it’s only cocklodgjng if the woman is a low earner. If they earn enough it’s fine

How do you see your future @redtindin? Does it align with how he sees his? What does he have in place to achieve that future? What plans has he made? What goals has he set himself? Does he have a pension / retirement strategy? If the answer to any of these questions is negative, I'm not surprised he's nice to you and treats you well. You're his plan. He's already impacting you financially and you don't even live together.

I'd be giving this one a swerve, unless you'd enjoy a life of penury.

I don't think you understood the point.

There is a massive difference in getting together with someone when you’re young and then giving up work to look after the collective dc and what we’re talking about here. I wouldn’t recommend anyone do that as it makes you very vulnerable but it is incomparable to this guy who has never done a career to give up and has no dc to look after. He’s also a man so his perceived fertility has never got in the way of a promotion or even getting a role. In 25-30 years of being old enough to work he has never found himself in a position where there’s extra hours, a temp promotion, a move to another site? Bullshit. He doesn’t care about earning his own money but he’s happy enough to spend ops - not sure why people are trying to paint this romantic picture of a man who knows what has true worth. Of course he’s nice to her, she’s paying for everything and desperately trying to overlook his problems because he’s nicer than the more obviously abusive men she has met in the past.

You don't yet live together and you're supplementing his income?
Come on, OP.

No I have. People are saying that it’s fine to not work and not contribute as long as the husband earns enough to pay for it.

I wondered if it worked the other way round too.

@IReallyLoveItHere I was just going to comment that my boyfriend is much like OPs (though with more savings, but otherwise same situation and age) and also has ASD and presumably some SEN when young. I’ve decided with eyes open that I’m really happy with him. Money isn’t that important to me either, although I am very educated and have a high level job.

My previous partner (I’ve had two since the divorce) was a very fancy and successful public school type and we went to a lot of nice places. But his heart was much colder than my current fella and it was therefore a much greyer experience.

I think it's fine either way for a couple to make a joint decision that one party works for a salary and one works to keep the household running, with the right financial protections in place. Doesn't matter which way round it is. It just has to be joint, conscious, fair, and with both parties understanding what it entails in terms of sacrifice/lifestyle/security etc.

That doesn't sound like it's what's happening here.

Thanks everyone you have all given me a lot to think about. I don't want to stop seeing him but I will put the breaks on a bit and find the right time to have a proper conversation with him about the future.

Look after yourself op, it’s easy to not care about unenlightened material things when someone else is paying for them.

Wow, the patriarchy literally make it so easy for men to get good jobs and be still hasn’t been able to manage it.

Even if you could afford to be the breadwinner OP, you have to consider if he’d be happy to do all the other jobs at home that needed to be done: the cooking, cleaning, house maintenance, life admin? And all to a high enough standard. Then the gender role reversal would be ok. But it seems in my experience many men are not happy to do so.

Much better to have a high earning partner who's never there, is unkind, always competing to better themselves materially, exhausted from long hours work and seeks solace with his secretary who is the only person who truly understands him; than someone who you like being with, is kind, enjoys your company, has a work history and is housing themselves, but only earns minimum wage and might have ulterior motives in wanting to find work near you, other than just wanting to be near you, that is.
Ignore the projections and stretches and cynicism that seem to be endemic on this site. You can easily put some boundaries in place that don't make you vulnerable to financial inequalities but judge him on his actions not by people on here saying he only wants to move to get free housing, or he's lazy for only doing 30 hours a week. There's plenty of miserable, unkind and emotionally unavailable 'partners' that earn 100k plus with an unhappy partner.

I’d put money on him being a weed smoker

And unless I have read your post wrong, it's not you working and him not working situation like your sister, but you working and him working but earning less than you.

You can have a relationship without ever living together you know. I never wanted to live with any of my ex Boyfriends, couldn't bear the thought of a man in my space all the time.

You don't have to stop seeing him but just be cautious and don't let him play you for a fool.

Working 30 hours a week is ridiculous! He needs to step that up!

Oh! Yes! I knew a talented sweet guy in his forties who worked only as much as he absolutely had to because he liked to live life high out of his mind.

30 hours a week is ridiculous. If he’s got no savings he almost certainly has no pension or just state pension- imagine living in retirement with someone like that. No holidays, no meals out, no fun. I wouldn’t necessarily write him off at the moment and him moving nearer you might be good, you can see if he steps up and gets a better job/more hours when that sort of work is available.
Don’t let him move in with you though even if he gives you a sob story and puppy eyes

I was with a similar man. In his 40s and in a low paid job. No savings and living in a shared house. I didn't want to be shallow and didn't question it too much and he was a 'nice guy'.

As soon as he moved in he got really complacent. Couldn't be bothered to help out except with small token gestures now and then. It turns out he was hardly working because he was focused on a hobby which was essentially gambling which was going to 'make him rich' and I just had to be patient. It was the most boring time of my life living with him. Then he lost his job and I was very resentful that he brought nothing to my life, not even good company. Thankfully we split!

I meant to add to the above that there must be a reason he is working 30 hours and has no savings above what he has said. It sounds very odd.

Yeah I’m a woman and I’ve never asked for money from a man I’m dating for food or indeed anything else. I wouldn’t feel comfortable and I certainly wouldn’t be giving my boyfriend any money 😂 thankfully not one man has ever asked any for me.

It would be different if they’d been together longer and were living together etc and were generally 50/50 and helping each other out, and one day he ran out of food but there’s something icky about the current situation. The help seems to be going all one way.

And I’d be resentful helping someone working part time while I work full-time unless they had some caring responsibilities or disabilities which prevented them from working more hours.

OP, I don’t think this is going to work out and honestly it’s easy for a man in his 40s with no drive to act particularly nice to a woman with her own property. He’s tired of flatshares and got his eye on his future home/ more comfortable retirement. I’ve seen so many men like this change when they get they their feet under the table and their partners swore they were the nicest guys ever too before they moved in.

At the very minimum insist he find a 40 hour job above minimum wage even if it’s only slightly above MW before things progress. Perhaps one with opportunities for career progression and /or overtime!

Completely agree with this. He’s also unlikely to have had painful periods plaguing his career 😣 and as he hasn’t had children he probably wasn’t limited to staying in a certain area - unless he restricted himself out of his own choice,

In 25-30 years of being old enough to work he has never found himself in a position where there’s extra hours, a temp promotion, a move to another site? Bullshit. He doesn’t care about earning his own money but he’s happy enough to spend ops - not sure why people are trying to paint this romantic picture of a man who knows what has true worth. Of course he’s nice to her, she’s paying for everything and desperately trying to overlook his problems because he’s nicer than the more obviously abusive men she has met in the past.

@redtindin this is spot on. please read the above and take heed. Unless there’s some massive backstory about his lack of drive - this is who he is and very unlikely to change. You either accept it as who he is and accept a change in your lifestyle or go your separate ways but don’t hang about waiting for change.