Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

I don't think it is grabby, I don't expect him to be rich or to take care of me but he should at least be able to take care of himself and he seems to struggle with that. Its all very well to be relaxed about money and not be materialistic but what if the boiler breaks down and their is no money to fix it, or a car that is needed for work breaks and we can't afford the fix and that leads to loss on income, what if we struggle to afford food, gas and electric and so on.

These things are real stressors in relationships and resentment can build if one person feels the other is a bit feckless leaving them always having to bail the other one out.

Its also true that in most cases, no all but most women do a lot to bring a ton of value in other ways to the men they are with a nice home, good food doing most of the housework, mental load and so on. If a woman does all of that and the man can't help pay for the basic cost of living then over time it can seem like the woman is being taken for a bit of a ride.

My sister doesn't work but their home is always lovely, a real sanctuary. she's a fantastic cook and baker and she deals with all the domestic admin so all her DH has to worry about is his job and they can get away with it because he is a high earner. I am not in that position.

I'm not being grabby just realistic.

I have a cousin like this. I love him dearly. However he lives pay cheque to pay cheque in service industry jobs, delivery driving, bars, taxis etc. Occasionally he increases his hours to pay off his credit card, then he gets fed up with working so much and quits the job and gets another similar one. For a while he had a girlfriend and convinced her he would be a trader online and get rich - he managed to get her to fund his expenses for years and she went into debt doing it. Obviously getting rich as a trader online didn't work!

His personality, on the surface, is lovely - kind, funny, articulate, thoughtful. However you need to know him well to realise he is reactive, refuses to take responsibility for himself or others and is unable to accept any criticism. He is in a house share and will be on pension credit. Meeting a woman who is prepared to take him in and provide for him is his only way of improving his life at this stage - I doubt it will happen but I'm interested to see if it does. It would need to be a woman who is prepared to be financially responsible for him in exchange for his company. That is what you would need to be prepared to do - accept you will be financially responsible for both of you (much as a traditional man might have been in the olden days). Then you get his company. Work out if you want that deal - many men opt for it and no reason you shouldn't, but don't pretend to yourself that he might change for you, it's very very unlikely. Be honest with yourself about what you're signing up for and go into it being realistic about what you are gaining (his affection and company) and what you are losing (financial security and the option of a more comfortable lifestyle).

Honestly I don’t think being low paid is a problem but he should be doing everything he can to up his hours if he struggles with money (I would expect anyone man or woman to do that if they had no family commitments). He could be picking up extra work during the week and doing longer days.

I also think women often do bring more to the table in terms of contribution to the household regardless of their earnings so it’s not the same thing. If you were basically getting someone who does fewer hours and earns less and you pick up the slack I think thats fine if you know that he’ll be doing a bit more at home for example. However if you think he’ll be doing a few hours and you’ll come home and you still have to cook and clean (which you should but perhaps a bit less than him) then it’s not worth it imo.

Honestly I would have been pretty happy to have an effective househusband unfortunately DH has always out earned me significantly. so it’s not about objecting to women being breadwinners. It’s about whether you would feel happy with the arrangement. Because I doubt he’s going to suddenly not need your financial help. I do know couples where women are the breadwinners but it works because everyone pitches in fairly. The resentment comes when a woman is bringing in most of the money, working most of the hours and then still expected to do the majority of work at home too.

I don’t think you are being grabby at all, you aren’t asking for anything, you are weighing up whether the relationship is worth you having to permanently provide financial support. You may well think it’s worth it.

This is so unattractive. I honestly think you should dump him. Who cares how nice he is. It's different if you both preferred a simple life and that works for you too, but this would be a no from me.

I don’t think you’re being grabby either, but realistic and practical. I’d be thinking the same as you.

I don’t think there’s a long term future in this. The financial disparity is beginning to get to you and you’re starting resent it. It’s not so much the amount of money, but the differences in attitude. He’s not willing to put that effort in to getting a better job, or to save money, whilst you’ve grafted your whole life. He’s a drifter whilst you’re a worker.

(and he’s unlikely to change now.)

not all of us are bothered about home owning, pensions and "working towards" anything…

wait till you are retired, with little more than your state pension. Getting old and having the finality of life staring you in the face is bad enough. Doing so on limited funds can be scary and soul destroying.

I worked hard but not too hard all my working life. Always time to do things with my husband and children. Lots of wonderful memories and now reaping the benefits of my work and investments.

There is a balance between working yourself to the bone and merely drifting along.

So are we suggesting a figure a man should be earning a year as a starting point ?

Do you think that a man in minimum wage ' is a no from me' ?

I’m probably going to get hammered for saying this, but I would not be happy with this situation

Not from me. How many people do you know expect someone else to pay for their petrol to travel home, or even not have enough petrol in the car to get home. For op to mention this, I guess it’s happened more than once . (Maybe once is fair enough but then you offer to pay the money back…).

This wouldn't be for me. I've only ever been interested in men who are on a similar footing. I want to go on holiday, out for dinner. House shares and minimum wage are for your 20s.

Is your sister doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, maybe DIY? If she is making a home comfortable and food on the table bought in and prepared then she is contributing hugely to her relationship.

Pretty much yes, He cuts the grass and takes the bins up but my sister does everything else, she's an excellent cook and baker part of the rationale for them for her to be home is that they both really value fresh good quality healthy food and that takes time to prepare.

How is it going @redtindin? Did you guys have a nice weekend together? Does he bring calm and joy to your life?

If he is a good man and you think you would be happy I would be less worried. Just make sure you keep everything which is yours in your name. What else does he bring to the relationship?

Nope. Noway. I carried my ex husband for years...id not do it again. Noe they need to earn my salary or more

Men are nice to women who they've not slept with yet or need a place to stay.

Even if you buy together and he pays half at the time, guarantee he'll start saying..I camt pay my half of this this month...then it'll be the mortgage and if joint yoy will be liable.

Nope..do not move in with him..

OP- as someone who has been where you are, please listen to previous posters and get rid.

i wish I’d been on mumsnet before marrying my ex. He just never stepped up. Your partner may be kind and lovely, but he’s also content living like a student. It means he won’t want to do the extra work to have a nice home, spare cash for meals out and holidays because at one level he’s happy with his lifestyle.

we’ve had pretty much full employment for the past 20 years. There are loads of careers that don’t need a string full of qualifications that pay very well.

Sorry, but I do not believe that he cannot find more work !

I believe that he chooses to only work 30 hours, because it covers his basic expenses.

What does he do in his non working time ?
Does he have hobbies ?
Does he volunteer?
Does he have friends or family that he spends time with ?

I think you definitely need to decide how you feel about this before he starts looking for a job near you!
Not that it matters what my preferences are, but personally I'd prefer someone to be consistently working (regardless of wage) in a job where he could stay long-term. Basically what would bother me is if he was frequently moving from job to job with periods of unemployment and wasn't particularly bothered about it, because that would make me think I could easily end up supporting him - especially if he was taking on the kind of temporary jobs that might get harder as he got older.

I live in a "strange" area

There are always people advertising for

Odd job people
Gardeners
Carers
Pet sitters
Seasonal jobs
Plus lots of volunteer opportunities

There is a bigger town a few miles away with more opportunities at large hospital, University, college, shops

What would he do if he wasn't getting subbed by you?

Did previous girlfriends also pay for him?

I just think it's a bit embarrassing that a man in his 40s isn't paying his way on dates. He ought to be embarrassed and saying no, and picking up hours at a 2nd job even if it meant he's less available.

Wow he sounds like my cousin. Except my cousin is 65 in October.
He hasnt worked since 1994.
When my aunt died four years ago he was still living at home.
It was a 4 bed ex council house. He thought he would get the house all to himself.
His brother and sister wanted their share. He tried to fight them he lost.
Now he lives in a sheltered flat with only £10,000 out of his share of the house he had to pay big legal fees.

I was in a similar situation in my early 40s. I met and married my husband now and have had wonderful times, holidays, projects together over the last 15 or so years. It depends what you value, though. You don't marry a man because of how well he washes up or hoovers, nor because of his bank balance! But a few years down the line simple incapabilities really rankle. Please go into whatever you decide with your eyes open. Don't buy the tough luck story. It isn't luck that finds you a job, its much more to do with his personality. I'm sure there is something in you that prefers aspects of his personality. But do consider the whole of him and don't imagine he is going to change significantly. People rarely do atc40!
For the record, I am not unhappy with mine. Just could murder him every so often!

@redtindin How are you? How are things going?

@Gundogday He got a new job, he's not too happy but does want to earn more, still looking for something that will suit him better and pay better. For now though it is ok.