Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

No I wouldn't be prepared to support him financially. It will be an unbalanced relationship.

Your son or men like him can maybe meet a woman who earns similar to him so it would be more balanced financially. I’m sure there are many women in a similar situation as him.

The issue here is the imbalance, Op is working more hours and carrying him financially and it could get worse if he moves in to the house she owns. She will have to accept a decline in her lifestyle if things continue with him.

I do agree that some women can look at the benefit of having a man who is happy to work less hours or give up work completely if they woman is quite a high earner and happy to be the breadwinner when they have kids. However there’s countless threads on here about men - many of whom have suspected ND - who let things slide at home even though they’re supposed to be the SAHD.

I know two women irl who went for men who were unemployed or under employed and it was the same story. They ended up not only doing most of the work but most of the cooking/housework/childcare. That doesn’t happen nearly as much when the roles are reversed and the women are at home and the men are out working. Men tend not to tolerate coming home to do all the cooking /cleaning if they’re out working! These women are not being financially supported for “free”. They do a lot at home which makes up for them working part time or not at all. Also OP doesn’t seem particularly right enough to support a low earning man.

I don’t know if the advice would be all that different if a man in his 40s who owns his own house and was not planning to have kids came on here saying his partner was in a flatshare, working 30 hours in a NMW job and that his lifestyle or saving was already being adversely impacted by having to support her more.

If you moved in together would he realistically be able to pay his share. Would you be happy to pro rata it? If you want to go out or go on holiday would you be happy to pay a bit more. ? It’s just money and if you are committed to each other and he’s a good partner then who pays what shouldn’t matter too much.

but if it is a issue to you then you need to reconsider the relationship.

Do you live in a Low cost of living area ?

I think I went out with him in my early 20s, does he play the drums?! I learnt my lesson but not until subbing him for holidays, rent, petrol to the tune of a couple of grand (a lot of money back then). Personally this is a big red flag in my book 🚩

You are basically paying him to date you. I'm sure he is a nice guy but his lack of drive would really bother me and actually it would turn me off so much I wouldn't want to date him.

And actually I think the same about your sister. I'd wonder what I know she does all day and frankly I'd find her a bit boring and too dependent.

You are basically paying him to date you

Something to think about, OP.

I agree.
He would be nice to anyone giving him money.

He has swerved any responsibility for himself for decades to end up here.

He needs to lack any modicum of self respect to be leeching off a new girlfriend.

I reckon there is no shaming him.
He is one step up from a Hobo and OP will completely mess up her life if she continues paying for his company.

Wouldn't surprise me if he has an accommodation crisis soon...that's usually how it goes with these types.

I think all you can do is be honest with him.

And yourself.

Do you want someone you love, by your side, going forward through your 40s, 50s and beyond?

It’s not about subbing him, but if you explain your financial concerns to him honestly.

Or do you only date, going forward, men of similar financial positions?

Many people, men and women, in their 40s will have built a life together for a decade or two, men who are single, and kind, and attractive, and hardworking, and loyal and devoted, in their 40s are going to be few and far between.

If you find him attractive, he makes you laugh, he isn’t going to hurt you (physically or emotionally), getting more hours work is not the most difficult thing to change.

But being honest, tell him you need to see a bit more financial stability before living together or combined finances can be even considered, that you can’t sub him any more right now because you have to assume it’s just you who is going to look after you (pension contributions etc). And see how he reacts.

This.

no judgement from me but I’d encourage you to go into it with your eyes open, realising that you would be paying for his company. And bing very clear about the division of responsibilities if you lived together.

I don’t think it would. work for me. For a short transition period perhaps but not just to sub someone disinclined to pull their weight for ever.

its easy for him to say he’d like to get a better job but there are just no opportunities where he is. Id watch what he does rather than what he says. If he wanted another or a different job he would be getting one, rather than making excuses.

No i wouldn't pay for him, but lots of women earn less and expect men to pay for them

It is unfair on the higher earner no matter who it is

You need to get someone who is financially on or near your own level.

I dated a man like this- he was lovely, kind and supportive and adored me. Didn't have a penny to his name but was full of promises about how he was going to work hard for us to build a life together

Until we got married then he knew he had a claim on everything that I had worked so hard for. Then he stopped working citing ill health and depression, stupidly I paid off his credit cards, as he expend on them but not make the minimum repayments, when I paid them off it was £5000 he owed at 20% interest. It taken out a credit card to pay for a honeymoon because he hadn't bothered to save for it my traditional parents paid for the wedding and he lived in the flat that I owned . Even when I was pregnant he couldn't support me, we've been divorced 10 years he has never even bought his child a packet of sweets let alone pay any child support on this busy sponge in off his mother and the taxpayer - blaming his late diagnosed autism for a divorce rather than his laziness. I know that you are past the age of having a child so don't settle for this man the resentment will grow. If he's living in a flat share in his 40s he will have made no provision for his retirement and if you are still together then you will be funding it as he won't be entitled to any state benefits due to your income and your savings

Oh and what is your retirement plan?
Because retirement and how much it costs can come as a huge shock to people on average incomes.
Hence why so many defer it for years or pick up work post retirement as the reality is so different to what they expected.

Retirement is absolutely miserable if you are watching every single penny, with the heat turned off.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Pensions used to go a lot further than they do now.
Do the math carefully.
Not everyone has the health to work into their late 60's, is that what you want?

Because clearly YOUR pension plans will have to cover this hobo who hasn't made any provision for his life today, not to mind his pension.

Someone like this will have you in the poverty bracket during your later years, as you will be the only adult trying to figure it all out.

Sounds harsh?
Until you are in your 60's, professional and middle class and hear stories of people talking about unexpectedly tightening their belts during retirement......
Look very carefully to how YOU are going to fund your retirement realistically before you are paying for his.

My bf has what many would also consider a bad job.... he has a 30 hour contract, but works overtime to top it up. But this is a recent (3 years ago) lifestyle choice after a bad a divorce. So he does own his apartment, a car, supports his daughter and will earn money on the side (he used to own his own company, and does work for friends in that line).

So for me, the main difference between my bf and yours is the motivation to earn more. We live 40 minutes apart, we both have dc's living at home and we make it work.

For you, I can see some serious red flags that really do need addressing. And if he is a half decent bloke, then he won't mind at all.

This is most enlightening reading.

Im mid forties myself, in a fairly low paid job, no Porsche ( medically not allowed to drive) but I do own and love my very little flat very close to the school l work at. I work more in the holidays but there's definitely no "shaming me" either

I've been so lazy and bone idle in the last 25+ years of doing this job that I've become very qualified and very good at it. Naturally I've "swerved responsibility" by striving to look after the next generation. Still as a long term single man I'm not " leeching of a girlfriend', which, im sure is a comfort. Sadly my job qualifications don't mean more money. I know, I'm "one step off a Hobo".

Nobody would use any if those words to describe wonen. Equality is alive and well in 2025.

Look OP, along with being tall he also needs to be rich. Ideally he needs to be somethong like a successful property developer who preferably has rich parents. You described some awful traits like......shudder....kind, gentle...think Max Branning, Phil Mitchell, real men who drink and fight and will......drool.....'one day change".

Admirably qualities, I'm sure, but MN is full of women fighting for those men. Get down to your local Wetherspoons near a court and watch for men is suits who have "got off going inside".

Winners, all of them.....

Hahaha yes - if only more men looked like Phil Mitchell - we can but dream though 😁

I wouldn’t want to take on a dependent adult. Or have my travel opportunities curtailed by a low earner. And what would retirement years look like?
Do you think he has the intellectual capacity to earn more? The drive? Is he open to retraining? Does he have any ambition? In his mid 40s he still has 20 years in the workforce.

Let him move closer to you where there are more opportunities for jobs, but don’t let him move in. You’ll find out if he really is committed to improving his lot.
You could also try telling him that you like him but would want more of an equal financial partnership and are willing to wait whilst he builds this.

Your situation is more akin to OPs than the boyfriend's. All you've got in common with him and indeed Phil Mitchell is a Y chromosome.

😂

You sound grabby AF OP, like a lot of women on this site- why do you always all bang on about a man's earnings and work? Maybe he only works pt in his 40s because he WANTS to? (Believe it or not, not everyone wants to work ft, myself included- it's stressful and soul destroying). You also sound quite envious of your sister- shes got the the right idea, yet you're a sole homeowner who works ft and say you've worked hard, yet this man is all you can attract? If take a great look at yourself and work out why you attract these men.

Also, not all of us are bothered about home owning, pensions and "working towards" amything- it doesn't make a woman more attractive to decent men (see below).

@Thatsthebottomline Im a woman and i feel quite sorry for men these days- they're expected to be working all hours god sends them, own their own home and car, have a professional career and to "contribute" half of everything before they even get a date. Then when/if kids come along they're also expected to fully share the load with that as well. Nothing like this is ever asked of women by men. 50 years ago all a man had to be was employed (in any job- didn't matter what). And women moan about not being able to be find good men. All a man needs to be for me to find him attractive is be hot, not a dickhead and have a cool sounding job (even if it's not highly paid). I think other women are a lot more practical than me and I find that sad- these are the women you see on here who moan about their "boring" DHs....

so many men are happy to marry and support women in low paid jobs
That's why I'm so thankful to be a woman. Men do not care about a woman's career, education or earnings. They certainly don't fall in love with that, that's for sure! Every partner I've had has earned more and had more saving than me, wheras the women I know who work around the clock, own homes and have a good career are all with low earners and cock lodgers- it's all they can get! It's all bloody money, money, money with women!

It really depends on what you're happy with in life, OP.

Personally I have good earnings and I enjoy travelling, eating out, and not restricting what I buy to what's on sale. I never wanted to have children, and I don't want a dependant adult either. So I would simply never date a person like the guy you're dating to start with.

But you knew about his situation, so surely you must have considered how it would be to live with this man? He is how he is, money does not seem to be a big deal for him and he seems happy with the simple life. I am sure there will be women out there for him.

Please do not bank on him changing. People do not change unless they choose to, and the ones who do will not simply tell you they are going to change: they will prove it to you with actions. You need to decide if you like the man who is in front of you right now, if he continued to be like this for the rest of your life. It is not fair to see someone with the eternal hope of them changing. He is happy the way he is. He is not asking you to change.