Concerns about boyfriends low income long term?

[redtindin]

I am mid 40's and have been dating a man, my age for about a year now. In many ways things are good he's basically a good man and we've had a lovely time together. No kids or ex-spouses for either of us.

However as time goes on and I start to look at things more realistically I am concerned about his financial situation. He is like me mid 40's but seems to have been in fairly low paid work all his life with no savings. He has a car but lives in a shared house. He only works 30 hours a week and claims he cannot get more hours. He has been looking for other work but so far nothing has worked out. He is wanting to get a job closer to where I live perhaps with an eye to us moving in together (I own my own small flat). In many ways I would like to try this but ideally if we moved in together I'd prefer to buy something bigger and a new place we both contributed to.

Its hit hard recently as he had an unexpected bill of £1000 and he didn't have the money so is having to pay it up so that means that we haven't been able to go out and so anything of late or if we do I am having to pay for everything. It kind of shocked me that he didn't have anything saved at all and is literally living pay check to pay check.

I think reality is starting to hit that if I do make a life with this man I will likely be the bread winner and provider and maybe that is ok but I do have doubts, is this really want I want? I'm not a high earner but I have worked hard to buy my own home and have some savings and already I'm aware that I am not saving much at all now as I am helping him out all the time. What happens if I he does move in and it doesn't work out and then he doesn't have the money to move out. Why at 45 is he still working so few hours in such a low paid job?

If he did get a better paid job with more hours it would probably make a big difference, he seems sincere in wanting to look for one but hasn't had any luck yet. If it doesn't happen then will I end up resentful of him? My sister is married and hasn't worked at all for years but her husband is a high earner, they have been together for 25 years and are really happy so perhaps its ok for one person not to earn much or even anything but her husband is a high earner and they have been together since they were 18 so its a different dynamic.

I just don't know I keep pushing the thought away but it is niggling at me.

Personally, I couldn’t have much respect for him.

Whatever you do, keep your property in your name and don’t get a mortgage with him.

Why bother?

I wonder whether this is my sons future. ASD and SEN, I'll be surprised if he gets a job beyond minimum wage but he is the nicest person in the world - funny, kind, respectful, supportive, loyal.

I don't blame you for considering your financial future but evaluate your future as a team. Do you want DC? He could be the one who drops hours to allow you to progress in your career.

I do think if gender roles were reversed this wouldn't be an issue, so many men are happy to marry and support women in low paid jobs.

…and I think if you’re questioning his lack of drive and needing support from at this stage, you will really grow to resent him.

Dont worry about him being hurt not getting to move in. Have you spoken to him about why he has no savings etc? I had a similar situation once, quizzed him, taught him new ways of dealing with money and he eventually became a saver!

It seems you really want to make this relationship work, but you are the one doing the heavy lifting. I would have a frank conversation about your expectations and not living together and see what he has to say.

He may be very lovely but doesn’t seem to have developed responsible life skills. as time goes on you will resent his nonchalance attitude towards money, especially as you are the one picking up the slack.

Think ahead and picture what kind of retirement you will have with someone like this. Do you want to always be scraping by and footing the bill? If that doesn’t bother you, then go for it. Both my DP and I are not motivated by money and are happy having enough but there’s not much excess. We’re happy living a frugal simple life filled with doing things that cost nothing or next to nothing, but I know many would not be content with our lifestyle. Even so we have a house we are paying off, pensions, and a hefty emergency fund in place.

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you have completely different attitudes towards money and personal responsibility. If you try to get him to change, he will resent you and if he doesn’t change, you will resent him.

Then it could be a problem between you if you can't imagine having the sort of life you want while with him and feel you might start to resent his lack of earning power.
How happy would you be without him in your life, is another good question to ask yourself. Kind, affectionate men don't grow on trees, and there is no guarantee if you split that you will ever meet someone who suits you better. Almost every relationship has compromises.

The post clearly says no kids

Sorry but by 40s I would want my partner to be shoring up pension etc, not taking first steps to moving out of a houseshare. If he hasn’t found the drive yet, I don’t think it’s magically arriving any time soon.

That’s absolutely fine if he wants to live like that. But I personally want to be secure in my property and enjoying holidays in retirement, so I wouldn’t be into someone not bringing the same

I don’t think the choice is poor but nice Tim or horrible but high earning Barry. There will be men in their 40s who are nice and can afford to pay their half of dinner out there. You are financially solvent and you risk that by tying yourself to a man who is not and has had ample opportunity over 20+ years of working to find a full time job. I see you being slowly manipulated into helping him out financially and then him moving in and then never, ever contributing his share. Is he nice enough to financially support for the rest of your life?

He's not that bothered about money by the sound of it, and there's something very lovely about a person who doesn't compete for status and doesn't stress so long as he has the basics.

What's "very lovely" about a 40-something man needing (or certainly accepting) the below from his girlfriend, @Whynotaxthisyear?

"Just paying for him when we go out, or paying for his petrol to get home or sometimes paying for food he will take home. That kind of thing."

Oh yes, it's all coming back to me when I was dating a low earner! I remember buying his food shopping once and when we got back to his, he poured himself a drink of orange from the carton that I had just paid for and didn't offer me any because he wanted it to last!!😵

If he was going to up his game he'd be upping it now. He's not, he's letting you buy him petrol and groceries.

Do you think that pattern is more likely to intensify or to reverse?

Your sister is a stay at home wife and her husband is a high income earner. He probably enjoys that she keeps the house clean and prepares dinner.

You can’t use your sister as a reason that your new relationship will work out. It’s an unusual relationship.

The guy you’re currently shagging has zero ambition, zero savings and is underemployed. He hasn’t worked towards anything. He hasn’t worked towards a career, or purchasing his own home or worked towards a relationship with the goal to get married. He can’t afford to support himself - you’re currently subsidising his life.

I’ve worked with a lot of businesses over the years and there are industries out there that many people don’t even know exist and accept employees with zero qualifications or experience and they train them and these people can learn on the job and can do quite well for themselves. Your boyfriend has never applied himself to do anything other than basic work. He hasn’t worked towards anything or learned any more skills. Most people get into an industry and work their way up. Your boyfriend has never done that.

I know people who have worked entry level jobs changing peoples tyres and have them realised they wanted more and have become drillers so they can buy their own homes. Another guy had no formal qualifications but got a job in IT and became very knowledgeable in it - to the point he’s now running the company.

But this guy you’re dating is lazy. It’s not about him just not having the opportunity - he’s lazy. You don’t earn enough to support both of you. This isn’t the same situation as your sister and her husband. You’re dating a guy who lives in a share house and works pay check to pay check and has zero ambition.

I said it can be lovely to be unstressed about money and satisfied with simple things. I didn't say that cadging off a reluctant partner is lovely, and if OP experiences his behaviour like that, she needs to put a stop to it. But it seemed to me that OP was in two minds about it, and that there are ways in which she loves and enjoys being with this man.

Good job my DH didn’t think I was a cocklodger for not having a high paying job. Or is it ok because I’m a woman?

I can see the attraction for him; you are financially solvent and have a home of your own. He could well be seeing you purely as a means of getting out of this flat share. He's been in low paid jobs for the last two decades; I think this is the sort of man who wants a woman to carry him. He has no real intention of trying to better himself because he is lazy.

What is the pay off for you in this relationship?. What are you getting out of this relationship now that is worth it for you currently?.

Yeah it's an interesting point. If I was on a low wage and couldn't afford my own place, even in mid 40s, I wonder how I would feel if men rejected me for no other reason than I had no money.

A cocklodger is a man who basically targets single mothers because such men think they are so desperate for a man that they will put up with any old shit for a swift shag.

And please stop paying for petrol and or groceries for him; this is making you sound like a mother figure. Do you want a partner or a project?. He is no partner to you.

She isnt a single mother

If you were my sister I’d be warning you off this one, I’m afraid.

You are trying to convince yourself to lower your own standards and put up with this guy because he is nice and treats you well. That's all well and good but if you go along with what I imagine is his plan - to move in with you - you will end up resentful and miserable, working to support both of you, spending your hard earned savings so that the 2 of you can have a holiday or eat out from time to time. He will continue with his cushy part-time working life while living in your nice flat (big step up from a house share I bet) and no doubt you will continue to do the majority of the cooking and cleaning because, well, it is YOUR flat.

You are already having serious doubts. Having a 'nice' boyfriend who cares about you can only take you so far in life. You really need to have similar values and goals and attitude to money is very much an important 'value' - different financial values and goals will lead to a life of misery and resentment (for you).

Stop trying to convince yourself this is the right relationship for you. Bringing your sister's (completely different) situation into it to try and make a case for sticking with him is just you wanting desperately for it to work against all evidence to the contrary.

For me this wouldn’t bother me at all.

He works and the house share makes sense.

But it does seem like this is a big deal to you and I feel you could have some resentment towards him if you were to continue with the relationship.

If the sexes were reversed, like with your sister, then no one would have an issue with it.

I don’t think you should feel bad about this though I just think it’s a shame to throw something away because he’s not done as well as some other people have.

@redtindin has he always lived on flat shares or did he live with a parent/parents who passed away in recent years leaving him with no home? Just curious as the quote above really sounds like he could turn you into a parental figure (in some ways) and probably, not even knowingly, they just get used to living with someone who sorts out the big stuff in life (like buying a home ).

You could turn into a mother / parent figure by accident and when that happens, the desire vanishes.

It's only a year. Wait until you're past the 2 year mark and carry on dating. I don't understand the rush to live together.
Though I can understand why he would love to move in with you asap. No rent for a start.

Has he got any pension? If he moves in and you have a long-term relationship potentially he could take a lot of what you’ve worked your life for and he could end up having a share of your assets. It sounds like this is not going to be compatible.