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Original poster

How to “initiate”

188 replies

Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 22:47

So after a lengthy talk about our lack of connection and intimacy we have came to the conclusion that I don’t initiate enough. This was enlightening! Basically as a man I am too afraid to try and start things and she doesn’t feel desired in that way enough. She hates me asking outright and it’s a big turn off so I am looking for tips on ways to initiate sex without directly asking for sex.
Please note we have two young kids and our evenings aren’t our own until 8:30 at least. The kids are up before us in the morning and the few times we have alone time during the day is a big no no from her. We have almost zero support network and the kids never sleep out.

OP posts:
BassesAreBest · 17/04/2025 22:48

This is something you should really be asking your partner, not randoms on the internet.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 22:51

BassesAreBest · 17/04/2025 22:48

This is something you should really be asking your partner, not randoms on the internet.

Thanks but she can’t tell me so I was hoping for some collective knowledge on gentle ways to start.

OP posts:
PenelopeJane91 · 17/04/2025 22:57

Only you know your wife and what she needs/ wants from you. Are you showing affection in other ways? Do you hold her hand, give her a hug, a kiss goodbye?
What makes her happy and what makes her feel desired? Does she like a bath? If she does, do you ever run her a bath and light a candle, get her favourite book and drink ready?
Do you make her a cup of tea in the mornings?

There are many ways to show affection which you can work on which in turn, will help with sex and the more physical aspects of your relationship.

SocksTalk · 17/04/2025 23:00

Darling, would you like me to put the bread in the oven?

YourWinter · 17/04/2025 23:01

I’m very happily single ( divorced) but if any man ran me a bath, lit candles and set me up with a book and a drink I would break a lamp over his skull.

Big gestures are so bloody obviously leery and absolutely sickeningly transparent. That’s not what being loving means.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:02

PenelopeJane91 · 17/04/2025 22:57

Only you know your wife and what she needs/ wants from you. Are you showing affection in other ways? Do you hold her hand, give her a hug, a kiss goodbye?
What makes her happy and what makes her feel desired? Does she like a bath? If she does, do you ever run her a bath and light a candle, get her favourite book and drink ready?
Do you make her a cup of tea in the mornings?

There are many ways to show affection which you can work on which in turn, will help with sex and the more physical aspects of your relationship.

Thanks but yes I do a lot of this, when she comes down in the morning I give her a hug and put the kettle on. I hide little treats and notes in her lunches for work. I buy her clothes and complement her often. I take the lead in lots of household matters.
It is just turning these small acts of care into acts of intimacy that I struggle with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:03

SocksTalk · 17/04/2025 23:00

Darling, would you like me to put the bread in the oven?

Thanks but she hates the direct approach

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 17/04/2025 23:03

I know it's cheesy but you need to figure out her love language and "speak it" throughout the days and weeks. They say foreplay starts at breakfast - not literally, but by making your partner feel loved and supported and appreciated from the moment she wakes up.

The official "love languages" are acts of service, physical touch, gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation. Remember you need to speak HER love language, even if it's not your cup of tea. You say you have two young kids and no support network - are you pulling your weight? And I don't just mean round the house but everything. Do you each have the same amount of free time without kids around? Check out the Fair Play cards and assess for yourself - or even better, suggest to her that you do the Fair Play cards together to make sure you both feel the family teamwork is happening fairly.

Once she is feeling loved and appreciated and supported, then all that stuff about initiation happens naturally - work on your connection and everything will follow.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:04

YourWinter · 17/04/2025 23:01

I’m very happily single ( divorced) but if any man ran me a bath, lit candles and set me up with a book and a drink I would break a lamp over his skull.

Big gestures are so bloody obviously leery and absolutely sickeningly transparent. That’s not what being loving means.

Exactly!
if it comes across as me trying to get sex she is OUT! I need ways to start things going without it necessarily being a precursor to sex. Showing her I care and am open to it without asking or begging

OP posts:
Epilepsystruggle · 17/04/2025 23:06

When you say struggle do you mean you want more sex and she doesn't or she wants more sex but finds you too passive?

Gymbunny2025 · 17/04/2025 23:07

She’s asked you to initiate sex without being direct and isn’t giving you any clues as to how to do this?! I think she’s fobbing you off! One year down the line you’ll still be trying!

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:07

Xiaoxiong · 17/04/2025 23:03

I know it's cheesy but you need to figure out her love language and "speak it" throughout the days and weeks. They say foreplay starts at breakfast - not literally, but by making your partner feel loved and supported and appreciated from the moment she wakes up.

The official "love languages" are acts of service, physical touch, gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation. Remember you need to speak HER love language, even if it's not your cup of tea. You say you have two young kids and no support network - are you pulling your weight? And I don't just mean round the house but everything. Do you each have the same amount of free time without kids around? Check out the Fair Play cards and assess for yourself - or even better, suggest to her that you do the Fair Play cards together to make sure you both feel the family teamwork is happening fairly.

Once she is feeling loved and appreciated and supported, then all that stuff about initiation happens naturally - work on your connection and everything will follow.

Yes to be honest she has been off work with the kids this week and I still cooked every night when I got in. Tonight she spent two hours reading in her pjs while I managed both bedtimes and this is not abnormal for us. Homelife is at least split 50/50 and I often edge ahead without question or complaint.

I do struggle with her particular love language and I don’t think I know what it is yet!

OP posts:
NorthernGirlie · 17/04/2025 23:08

We hit this phase. I think lots do. It's rhe little things - the brush past, the cheesy side eye etc, the snuggle on the settee that sets you apart from mates.

We agreed to sleep naked with no expectation - meant that the bed time kiss and cuddle could lead somewhere or not.

I like a random text saying "you looked gorgeous this morning" even when I didn't!

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:09

Epilepsystruggle · 17/04/2025 23:06

When you say struggle do you mean you want more sex and she doesn't or she wants more sex but finds you too passive?

When we had a talk detailing that I want happy with our intimate life she admitted she wasn’t happy either and wants to know I want it more and would like me to show her

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:10

NorthernGirlie · 17/04/2025 23:08

We hit this phase. I think lots do. It's rhe little things - the brush past, the cheesy side eye etc, the snuggle on the settee that sets you apart from mates.

We agreed to sleep naked with no expectation - meant that the bed time kiss and cuddle could lead somewhere or not.

I like a random text saying "you looked gorgeous this morning" even when I didn't!

Can’t imagine she would agree to sleep naked in case the kids shouted but I appreciate the spirit!

OP posts:
NorthernGirlie · 17/04/2025 23:12

Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:10

Can’t imagine she would agree to sleep naked in case the kids shouted but I appreciate the spirit!

Show quote history

You can have a dressing gown on the end of the bed! 😍

Beastiesandthebeauty · 17/04/2025 23:13
  1. Find her love language- act on it wayyy before the act. Even do a get to know you date night night with some wine / snacks and there is plenty of online rss to find out.
  2. Is probably person dependent but for me every night we cuddle and kiss if the kisses increase in passion it's a clear signal.
  3. Make sure to compliment her at random, it sounds like she may also be desiring being desired.
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 17/04/2025 23:13

Gymbunny2025 · 17/04/2025 23:07

She’s asked you to initiate sex without being direct and isn’t giving you any clues as to how to do this?! I think she’s fobbing you off! One year down the line you’ll still be trying!

I agree, I don't think she's that keen, and it's been framed in a way that it'll always be your fault for not getting it right.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:14

NorthernGirlie · 17/04/2025 23:12

You can have a dressing gown on the end of the bed! 😍

Show quote history

Still not sure she would agree but it’s something to work towards!

OP posts:
ChickenBananas · 17/04/2025 23:14

She doesn't want to fuck so has set you up to fail by sounds of it I'm sorry to say

YourWinter · 17/04/2025 23:15

Do you listen to her in any conversation? Actually making her feel you’re interested in whatever she is saying about ANYTHING? Engaging in that conversation? It’s a start. I wouldn’t want little notes in my lunch box, too pushy and obvious, but it’s pretty gloomy if the person I’m talking to seems to have their mind elsewhere.

category12 · 17/04/2025 23:15

You need to have another talk because it's ridiculous that she can't tell you what a nice way to initiate sex looks like to her.

You're both adults. Talk more.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:16

Beastiesandthebeauty · 17/04/2025 23:13

  1. Find her love language- act on it wayyy before the act. Even do a get to know you date night night with some wine / snacks and there is plenty of online rss to find out.
  2. Is probably person dependent but for me every night we cuddle and kiss if the kisses increase in passion it's a clear signal.
  3. Make sure to compliment her at random, it sounds like she may also be desiring being desired.

Thanks I will try and figure out her love language.
I do offer random compliments but she is awkward and not often open to receiving them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:17

category12 · 17/04/2025 23:15

You need to have another talk because it's ridiculous that she can't tell you what a nice way to initiate sex looks like to her.

You're both adults. Talk more.

She feels when we have this talk it’s all on her. As a man I am almost always happy to go but she feels I should sense when she is ready or get her ready

OP posts:
Mom2K · 17/04/2025 23:20

Biscuitsneaker · 17/04/2025 23:04

Exactly!
if it comes across as me trying to get sex she is OUT! I need ways to start things going without it necessarily being a precursor to sex. Showing her I care and am open to it without asking or begging

Show quote history

From your other posts, it sounds like you are a good and equal partner in terms of your contribution to the kids and household, and that you do also show her care.

She then says that she feels undesired if you don't initiate sex, but if you try anything that coud be a lead up to sex (i.e., snuggling, kissing?), she's not interested (and also won't specify exactly what it is she wants you to do)?

If that is correct, she is being absolutely ridiculous. She is a grown up who should be able to properly express what she's asking for. If she can't, then maybe counseling would be a good next step to get to the bottom of it.

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