How to “initiate”

[Biscuitsneaker]

So after a lengthy talk about our lack of connection and intimacy we have came to the conclusion that I don’t initiate enough. This was enlightening! Basically as a man I am too afraid to try and start things and she doesn’t feel desired in that way enough. She hates me asking outright and it’s a big turn off so I am looking for tips on ways to initiate sex without directly asking for sex.
Please note we have two young kids and our evenings aren’t our own until 8:30 at least. The kids are up before us in the morning and the few times we have alone time during the day is a big no no from her. We have almost zero support network and the kids never sleep out.

Just keep giving them and don't wait / expect a response. If she struggles with then sounds like her whole confidential has taken a hit at this point

Thanks yes I fully listen to her and engage and in the last 15 years I can even pick up on her cues.
oh and they aren’t little dirty notes or anything like that just pictures or compliments or musings and she admits she quite likes them. They aren’t a sexy thing just something to show I care and make an effort

She isn’t a confident person and anxiety has taken its toll

Thanks and I would certainly stand up and say I do my share. I think she relies on me on lots of ways and maybe she is leaning on me for this. I want to be loved and desired too but it feels I need to take the first steps.

Well I am going to try!

What does her anxiety stop her doing? Other than having sex?

Give her a bottle of wine, put Luther on and let Idris Elba do the work.

Small talk, driving new places, trying new things, if there is animosity at work or an issue with the kids she is on tenterhooks. The sex is probably the only physical outlet she stops because of it but I fully believe it’s there.

I know who she likes but that hasn’t done the trick yet

Is she saying that she will initiate sex if you have done the correct things during the day? Or will it be a mutual thing? Or you initiating some more? Because surely if it’s you then she’ll be put off?

It sounds like she’s taking the piss to be honest. Why are you doing all the work with dinner and kids while she lies around reading?

It’s not very sexy to be a walkover. She might respect and fancy you more if you stand up for yourself a bit more. Or it could backfire of course! But it does sound like she’s hoping you will take charge more.

For initiating things, is there a part of her that she loves you touching when you’re having sex? Could you initiate by touching her there to begin with, earlier than you normally would? Along with some intense eye contact and a compliment that makes it clear that looking at her is turning you on.

The most important thing is to make her feel like you want her, rather than you just want sex. That’s why the running a bath and snuggling etc doesn’t work, those things will all get on her nerves because it’s just obviously you trying to get her to have sex with you. You need to make her want it.

I heard recently a very good quote "foreplay is everything that happens all of that day" - my (soon to be) ex partner started the day with a cup of a tea for me and barely before I had drank it was making vile winking gestures or making a grab for a body part.
Then I had to refuse him, he then felt rejected as he had made the effort and brought me a cup of tea. Next, he'd argue with me over something really trivial but for me, the ever emotional female, it hurt - and that lingers on a while.
I then make him a sandwich at lunchtime - but I've used the bread he doesn't like - so instead of saying 'thank you darling' and eating it - he moans at me that I should know by now which bread he likes.
By the afternoon, when a dog walk is suggested - which for most couples would be calm, serene and an opportunity for some wonderful together time - I am so wound up by this bloody man that when he goes for a snog in the bird hide and manhandles me, I could just punch him. And if I did, he would have no idea why.

He just doesn't get it, never will and never wants to. I'm not high maintenance - I deserve respect, gentleness, understanding, his interest, his attentiveness. Get that right and the rest follows.

This relationship is over - because I am a woman that needs the emotional connection before sharing body parts and he is a man that just needs a physical connection - we were so out of sync with each other and no longer communicating (there was much more too).

Sit with her one evening when its quiet, pour her a glass of wine, lift her legs onto your lap and rub her feet, tell her how amazing she is and how much you love her and ask her to share her feelings with you. Have no expectations, make no sleazy gestures - just listen and show that you are listening. We really don't need grand gestures. Flowers are nice, a meal cooked for us is great but your time and attention is better.

I will say that we are strange creatures at times - sometimes even we don't know what we want. Then we think we have it figured out and it changes the next day. And yet, we expect you to get it right.

All I can advise is to communicate, perfect those listening skills and good luck.

No because I think I am doing all the right things during the day. She says she wants me to initiate more.

I think she’s purposely making it difficult because she doesn’t want to and you should have an open conversation about sex and your marriage generally.

I ask my DH to initiate sex more (he likes having sex but he can be quite passive) but for me that looks obvious — kisses that feel sexy, coming up behind me in the kitchen and kissing my neck etc. I think it’s confusing that she’s asking you to ‘initiate’ sex but doesn’t want it to be obvious. Perhaps she just means she wants more affection, in a sexual way?

What if he starts the shower, sits on your slippers to warm them and looms over you with a robe and croissant? Would that be sexy?

I couldn’t think of anything worse tbh 😆

This!

I don’t believe a grown married man doesn’t know how to initiate sex with his wife. Nor that he really thinks a bunch of strange women on the internet will have more idea than he does.

Just flirt. If she’s completely closed off, that’s a different issue.

Yep.

Doesn't like the direct approach, doesn't like the "subtle" approach of romantic gestures, doesn't like approaches that started from something else, can't or won't explain what would be a good approach, wants OP to magically sense when she might be open to sex.

Basically she's probably not into it or him.

This sounds like to much hard work .She don’t like any approach.

It is all rather cryptic and hard work. It is possible that she likes you as a husband and doesn’t want to upset you or drive you away, so is wary of saying she just isn’t very interested right now. Lack of interest could be caused by all sorts of things. Possibly low confidence, hormones, the pill, low mood or many other things.

It shouldn't be this difficult - if she likes you, loves you, fancies you, respects you, enjoys being around you, all that good stuff (and you her of course) ... then really initiating sex can be as easy as a smile or a touch or a kiss, or a cheeky text message when she's on the train home or just saying 'god you're bloody gorgeous, fancy a shag?'

You have to have that good, fun, loving, reciprocal relationship as a basis though, I am wondering whether you have that? If you do then don't overthink it!

"I want you to initiate sex more but I won't tell you how (except when you get it wrong)" is a headfuck. It may or may not be deliberate but I'm a bit amazed that you've got 15 years in without learning what each other likes. How did you initiate at the start? What did she respond to?

It's tough to advise as everyone is so individual but maybe it might be helpful to establish how often she ideally wants sex. Like... once a week, or twice a week, or once a fortnight, or what? Then you don't have to have anything as unromantic as scheduled sex but you kind of know what timeframe you'll both be more up for it in. (If DP and I go more than a week, we're both actively looking for an opportunity, and we know the other is thinking that too.)

Having said that I think you need a really open, direct conversation because there's clearly something deeper going on with her. Name the problem - say that you want to initiate more but her refusal to tell you how, and shooting down your attempts, is a headfuck. She should be able to say what she wants - no one is going to intuit your sexual desires telepathically.

From his previous post- I think once every 5 years!