How to “initiate”

[Biscuitsneaker]

So after a lengthy talk about our lack of connection and intimacy we have came to the conclusion that I don’t initiate enough. This was enlightening! Basically as a man I am too afraid to try and start things and she doesn’t feel desired in that way enough. She hates me asking outright and it’s a big turn off so I am looking for tips on ways to initiate sex without directly asking for sex.
Please note we have two young kids and our evenings aren’t our own until 8:30 at least. The kids are up before us in the morning and the few times we have alone time during the day is a big no no from her. We have almost zero support network and the kids never sleep out.

Not really barring a peck on the cheek. I would she pulls away

Agreed

Thanks for the input but god no! Smacking her bum? Instant death stare. Last time I tried to hug her in bed spontaneously she acted like I was a stranger. I appreciate some women want this approach and to “be fucked” but I really can’t imagine it with her. Everything in our sex life has to be slow, cautious, measured and fair.

You might be nearer the mark but it’s been years since I even considered sulking because I wasn’t getting some. I have learned to be resilient.

You are probably going to be flogging a dead horse with this. She has managed to lay the blame at your door.

That’s true and that’s maybe where we were but as per the title I really wanted tips on what to do now!

I am starting to agree. There has been a lot of comments showing how a more normal relationship functions and I am starting to think this has maybe went too far.

No such thing as a normal relationship.
It is what is right for you both - but without communication there is no relationship - just two people sharing a house full of resentment, hurt, unmet needs.
Talk all night if you have to but get to the root of the problem together.

Try… ‘darling would you like to play hide the sausage this evening…’

@Biscuitsneaker You sound like a supportive, thoughtful partner who consistently puts your wife’s needs above your own. Yet for whatever reason—her anxiety, hormones, or maybe she’s no longer in love with you —her behaviour and poor communication have left you feeling unloved, lonely, sexually frustrated, and stressed. And somehow, she’s made it all your fault.

Bluntly, it doesn’t sound like she wants to have sex with you, and the relationship seems entirely dictated by her anxieties and needs. You go out of your way to show love, but she keeps you at a distance. You deserve to feel loved and desired - that shouldn’t be conditional.

How can she expect you to initiate when she constantly rejects you and also sets impossible conditions? Don’t ask, don’t show desire, don’t touch, don’t kiss—just in case it leads to sex?

Her anxiety isn’t just limiting her life, it’s limiting yours too. I’d seriously question how happy this relationship makes you and start demanding more from her—more effort, better communication, and real help for her anxiety.

There are time when I would admit that I don’t feel happy with the relationship and that I am catering to her anxiety. I don’t feel my wants are met and barely any of my needs. I would say that I am determined to make it work and scared of failure probably due to my own upbringing. I can’t see a way forward at this time and I’m not willing to take the way out of the relationship either.

You can only make a marriage work if both of you are willing to put the work in. If only one person is fulfilled, that’s not a properly functioning relationship. It’s not your failure if you’ve tried everything but the other person is unwilling / unable to also try. Have you suggested couples counselling? It might help her to see the impact her behaviour is having, and for you to find a way to really understand what’s really going on here with her. You’d make someone a wonderful partner by the sounds of it - she might value you more and look to do the work on herself if she knew what she stood to loose.

Thanks but she is a very private person in a lot of ways and would never go for counselling. She has thought about it for her anxiety in the past but I doubt she would get over the embarrassment factor of talking to someone like that. I think if we did split I don’t know if she would see it as her fault or just me being unhappy because I wasn’t getting any.

The focus of your conversations should perhaps should be less on sex then and more about how lonely and unhappy you feel at her rejecting you and the lack of showing love and affection broadly, and the impact her anxiety is having on you (and no doubt your DC). Sex l think is a bit of a red herring here. It’s the lack of physical and emotional connection- and her unwillingness to address her anxiety (I’m assuming, if she won’t have counselling) that’s making you unhappy. Ultimately if she can’t see the part she’s playing in making you unhappy then that’s on her, and isn’t something that you can resolve.

I actually agree with @Epilepsystrugglethat I think she is wanting you to be more assertive, more in-charge, more responsible for initiating. With an equal partner that kind of sex where a guy dominates is very hot. I think that previously she has initiated in your relationship so you haven’t really done that before but her anxiety means she’s not confident doing that.

One thing which I think you could try that is along those lines but still gentle would be kissing her more forcefully.
Choose a day when she isn’t too tired, sit with her on the sofa and kiss her properly - you’re aiming for confident and in charge, on top, but not scaring her or pinning her down.
Or come up behind her and kiss her neck. Have your hands on her firmly but not so firmly that she can’t move.
Or push her up against a wall or door frame so that you’re looking down at her. Look into her eyes and kiss her. Put your knee between her legs and push your body against her so she’s between you and the wall.

If she responds great, if she doesn’t break off the kiss to give her a minute to catch up and whisper in her ear something like “Mmmm this feels good”. Then go back to kissing her.

If you do get as far as the bedroom, however much you want sex I would really recommend holding off. Go down on her and keep going until she comes and then whisper in her ear something like “I’d forgotten how hot you look when you come”. If she wants to stop there then stop there.

Then a couple of weeks later do the same thing again, each time making 100 percent sure that she comes.

Maybe do relationship counselling together, partly with a view to her feeling emboldened to try individual counselling.

Not about the sex issue, but because your communication as a couple is poor, so maybe it would help to have a safe space with someone else to mediate and help things along.

It can't always be barriers like she won't do this, she won't do that - it's painting you into a corner where the only way out is divorce.

Just looking at some of the replies on here, it’s not surprising that men in the modern world are ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’.
OP’s dw says her dh doesn’t initiate enough but doesn’t want his approach unless it’s done in a certain way??????
Here’s the best idea - agree that all the initiating should be left to her - but she mustn’t be too direct! - and make sure it’s frequent enough to meet your needs.

Seriously - nobody needs this high maintenance , hard work, bullshit, game playing in their life.

I am not sure if it has been suggested but maybe a few days away on your own could give you both a fresh perspective and get these issues resolved.

Could grandparents look after the children?

You would appear to simply going round in circles.

Thing Is, asking for ‘things to try’ is already getting manipulative.

Haven’t read every reply so this may have been asked but have you looked into what your love languages are? There are quizzes you can take online to help.

She may be a person who appreciates acts of service. So you doing something like running the hoover round without her having to ask may be something that makes her feel loved!

You say you’re doing all the little love gestures like leaving notes etc which is great but it may be something else she needs to tick her boxes!

But she has asked me to try and initiate and I don’t know how?

No unfortunately our support network doesn’t extend beyond the odd bit of help with the school run. Lack of couples time that’s getting less and less as kids are getting older is probably a contributing factor here

Thanks that’s maybe a gentle start to working on this problem.

Thanks, her claim was that if I never initiate then she doesn’t feel like I want to. Telling her I am almost always up for it and that it’s her decision doesn’t help. I need to go about it the right way but I have no clue. The way things are we don’t have sex, I try and talk about why, she says I should try more, I do try but that doesn’t lead to any improvement

The reason you don’t know how to initiate is because you don’t kiss- that’s how sex starts! Not always but sometimes when you both sense the subtle signals.

I stand by what I commented on your original post. You haven’t spent any time as a couple together for more than 5 years. You are purely mum and dad. It’s really not surprising that’s how she sees you. I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. But you really do need to address that before you can even think about sex.

and as others said- your options may include accepting this if you don’t want to leave